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-   -   Is this arousal normal? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64673)

mialush 11-23-2013 09:58 AM

Is this arousal normal?
My husband has started seein this girl for about 4 months. She knew that he was married and is ok with that. He has fallen in love with her and she has moved in with us.

He has always been honest with his feelings and would talk to me about how he feels about her and how it is to make love to her. He says that they have incredible sex and that he's totally satisfied. Now that she lives with us, I see them kissing and witness them having sex. I find myself very aroused watching them together.

Is this a normal reaction? Does this happen to others too? We are new to this.

And what should I do?

Natja 11-23-2013 10:08 AM

Just....enjoy the feeling?

I don't know what exactly you want to hear, you're aroused and not to be dismissive but, so? Lots of people get aroused when they see physical intimacy, that is why there is a porn industry, of course it's normal.
Some people would consider it a plus, you are not feeling jealous but instead feel aroused...huzzah!! Result, enjoy it, go off and masturbate!

london 11-23-2013 10:11 AM

I think that people are either turned off, Indifferent or turned on by their partner having sex with other people. Being indifferent or turned on can only support a polyamorous relationship.

nycindie 11-23-2013 12:37 PM

Eh, what's normal, really? Doesn't sound weird to me. A scientist recently released results of a study she conducted in which it was found that most women get turned on by images that suggest the promise of sex. So, enjoy it.

My only question about your situation is, why did the gf move in with you? And why after dating your husband for only four months? That is the part that strikes me as rather odd, premature, perhaps a bit foolhardy, and where I would wave a yellow flag, just to be cautious. You hardly know someone at that early stage, even if he is "in love" with her. You say you're new to poly - were you under the mistaken impression that poly relationships mean everyone all has to live together? Do you have another relationship yourself? Hope you don't mind my asking - I'm just curious.

Magdlyn 11-23-2013 02:17 PM

Hi again, mialush. You posted almost the same thing in May of 2012.


I can't believe how excited I get thinking about him falling in love with her again. Making deep passionate love to her. Letting him know that I would support him in following his heart.

Is this normal?
People said, yes, that is compersion. Or what you might call vicarious pleasure.

I gather from your posts, you don't want another lover, male or female, and are just content with your compersion for your h's loves. That is fine, as long as your needs are being met from just your husband.

But I also wonder, like NYCindie, why you both decided moving a new person in only 4 months into the relationship was a good idea. Could be very awkward if things go bad after the new relationship energy wears off. After all, sounds like that last relationship he tried in May 2012 didn't work out...

Dirtclustit 11-23-2013 10:05 PM

It's only a problem if they are not aware you are watching
Leaving the door open is one thing, if you're walking down a hallway and they obviously aren't trying to hide anything, I believe it cold definitely be labeled healthy,normal arousal. If you are watching from some tiny hidden video than no, it isn't healthy at all unless they are aware and desire or at least willing to not care whether you watch.

Otherwise it is violating your other people's privacy, and out of all the private activities for you to violate -- sex if probably the worst one to be violated -- but that's my system /belief on severity of privacy violation, the only thing worse would be to then further violate by sharing or inviting others.

But honestly that's a moot point because that is not what you are asking, and even if you were, it would be their call as to whether or not they are offended.

Just make sure you don't interupt, and ask before you approach

Norwegianpoly 11-23-2013 10:41 PM

I take it that they are aware of and ok with you watching/hearing them having sex.

Yes, it normal to become aroused by witnessing/hearing others have sex (I myself sometimes get turned on by listeing to the neighbours! And...this is the reason porn exists). Specifically, becoming aroused by your partner having sex with another can be part of compersion. Some are indifferent to the sex, others think it is kind of nice/cozy/sweet, others are turned on, like yourself. I think all three reactions can be part of compersion.

If you are ok, and they are ok, there is no problem, just enjoy :)

pulliman 11-24-2013 04:27 AM

I love seeing WI and AM aroused and alive and immersed. Totally turns me on. WI experiences the same with AM and me. And AM with WI and me.

I think your experience is awesome -- if it's what you're feeling, feel it! You love it when your husband is in love and making love. That is incredible. You're an amazing human being.

What should you do? Enjoy it. What's about this: Join it? And if that has no appeal and you are at peace being the watcher and enjoyer, then feel safe. You sound happy. Don't second guess. Just be happy!

JustUs 11-24-2013 09:24 PM

I have to admit, I also get very aroused hearing/seeing my wife have sex with her boyfriend..Very much so. And she knows I do (and he does also) and we are very open with each other about that.
It's also a good tool to use if I ever get that occasional tinge of jealousy, I just remind myself the pleasure I get from it as well, and needless to say that jealousy disperses pretty quick. It's just another form of compersion for me.

Is it normal? I guess it depends on what each person finds normal. I find it normal, but that's me. Others may think its strange but that's their opinion, which they are free to have.

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