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-   -   New and Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64569)

justagirl33 11-22-2013 04:41 PM

New and Confused
 
Hi Everyone,

I am fairly new to the polyamory lifestyle. I've been seeing this guy, K, for almost 7 months now. Originally it started as a long(ish) distance relationship. We lived over an hour away from each other and would get to see each other once a week. I have recently moved closer to him (I'm only 15 minutes away now) and this has helped with some of the distance issues that I had.

K and his wife are still kind of new to this as well. They have had experience with a long time partner for his wife, and then they've been with couples. K had another girlfriend before me, that ended when she found someone else to live a monogamous relationship with. When dating K, I thought that they had it altogether. Haha! Boy was I wrong! They're still struggling to find a balance, and I feel like I have plateaued with where this relationship is going to go.

K and I have grown close very quickly. This is due to health issues that took over me early on in our dating. They were nice enough to take me into their home and help me out this summer as I recovered from 2 surgeries and was on some medication that made me pretty loopy. K and I bonded a lot over this time, quicker than either of us expected. But I see K struggle so much with how to make all of this work.

I don't get to spend a lot of time with K, even being close. He does try though. It seems that his emotions are split between the two of us. He often makes comments about wishing he could split himself in two, so he could be in two places at once. She is his primary, and with the way things are going, even with how hard I know he's trying; I feel like I just get his 'left over' time. He hates leaving me, and often has a frown on his face, but he also makes excuses as to why he can't or shouldn't be with me at a given time.

I recently asked him if I could have one full day a month with him. Just the two of us, from morning to morning. He told me to 'leave it with him'. I don't know why I even felt guilty in asking for this, but I feel it's not too much to ask for, even if this can happen once a month. I mentioned schedules before, but he didn't like the idea of that either. It's just so hard to find that balance that works. Right now I get to see him for an hour or two every other day. Our time always gets interrupted. Do any of you have any suggestions that I could mention to him?

I also have another issue/concern and I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. He was confronted by a couple that they both used to see. This was back in their 'swinging' days. Recently this guy wanted K to go to their place (in another province) to sleep with his wife while he was away at work. K wanted to do this. I don't feel to great about this. I guess there's a bit of insecurity there on my part, but I thought polyamory was more about meaningful relationships and not just sex. He seems to see no problem with the fact that it's 'just sex', he says 'it's not like I love her'. Is this something that is 'normal' for polyamory? Because if it is, I'm not sure I'm going to be cut out for it. It really has me scratching my head. But the problem all comes down to this: I have really deep feelings for K, and I really want things to work out. I just don't know how to go about expressing all of my feelings towards him and finding that balance. Sometimes I feel like because I'm the 'secondary' I really have no right to be asking for these things, or being opposed to anything. I feel like I should be happy with what I get and just go with the flow.

Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. I'm sure I sound like a basket case right now, but I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Dagferi 11-22-2013 04:56 PM

NSA sex is not normal in my poly world, but for others it may be.

As for the other issues.

Speak up be firm about your needs for time alone for more than the short time you are getting. If he can't meet your needs, which to me are not outrageous, then I would end the relationship. You deserve to get your needs met.

Situations like this is why I dislike the primary secondary relationship model.

SNeacail 11-22-2013 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justagirl33 (Post 249019)
I also have another issue/concern and I'm not sure how to wrap my head around it. He was confronted by a couple that they both used to see. This was back in their 'swinging' days. Recently this guy wanted K to go to their place (in another province) to sleep with his wife while he was away at work. K wanted to do this. I don't feel to great about this. I guess there's a bit of insecurity there on my part, but I thought polyamory was more about meaningful relationships and not just sex. He seems to see no problem with the fact that it's 'just sex', he says 'it's not like I love her'. Is this something that is 'normal' for polyamory? Because if it is, I'm not sure I'm going to be cut out for it.

This situation has nothing to do with poly. The man likes random NSA (no strings attached - now I get it :rolleyes:) sex. If you have a problem with that, then you guys need to discuss your concerns and fears in that area.

Do not feel bad about asking for your one day a month. That was a perfectly reasonable request. My husband hates calendars and schedules, however our lives are so crazy, he MUST keep a calendar, even if I have to nag him to keep it updated. It's a hard transition for some people to start keeping a schedule (kinda like the transition from teenager to adult :eek:). Don't be afraid to speak up about what you need. His response sounds like he wants to meet your needs, but just needs the freedom to figure out the details on his own. Baby steps...

london 11-23-2013 08:11 AM

Poly people absolutely do engage in casual sex and I strongly advise you stop worrying about what type of sex he has with other people. Concentrate on your own relationship. You need to have a serious talk about what you need from him. One thing you sound like you need is a scheduled 24 hours every month. You need to know of Ye can do that, and if he will do that. Maybe chat to his wife and get her feelings on it. If he can't or won't give you that, what will you do? Does it mean you can't progress any further? If so, what does that mean?


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