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-   -   How do you have time to be poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64499)

Spock 11-22-2013 02:39 AM

How do you have time to be poly?
Maybe I have an oversubscribed life; married with two kids under 8 and in school. We barely have time for each other after work, homework, and family time, sometimes.

Is it that the poly with kids actually share the kids and so the parents can take a break in order to strengthen their relationship? Not quite poly, but I have a sister in law who helps to watch the kids several times a month just so wife and I can have date nights, which makes it even harder to find time for other people, as well. My wife has considered a 'work-boyfriend' a possibility because then she would have an excuse to spend time with someone without losing time for the kids and me.

Me, I don't have a clue how I'll find time for anyone at all. How do you guys and girls manage?

WhatToDo 11-22-2013 03:53 AM

I don't know either. Both me and my gf are married, she has children we both have jobs. Finding the time to establish a new relationship with the texting, the emailing, the trying to go out and share new experiences together. I'm starting to come to the realization that I'm never going to have the full relationship with her that I want. It's going to be more of a fwb type thing even though finding time for for the benefits portion of that is hard even.

GalaGirl 11-22-2013 03:57 AM

Me? Be closed while parenting.

Kids take up a lot of time/energy and if partners weren't established already before kids? I just don't want to launch something new right now. Seems easier to wait until my next phase of life when kids are grown.


AnnabelMore 11-22-2013 04:05 AM

My gf and I do something like you describe with your sister in law. She and her husband have a two year old, I don't have kids or a primary partner. On an average month, I:
- watch her son two evenings and occasionally a weekend day
- hang out at their house for dinner two evenings
- go out with her on a just-us date once
- spend time with her at social events (dance parties, kink parties, etc.) where we get some quality time once or twice

I feel like the time I spend babysitting makes up for the time I take her away from her husband. However, the only reason this works for me is because I genuinely love her son and want to spend lots of time with him. I've known him since the day after he was born. If it weren't for the fact that I genuinely wanted to bond with him, I probably wouldn't be up for watching him nearly as much.

Also, even with that, the limited just-us time we spend together places our relationship strictly in the "secondary" category -- it's not a central aspect of our lives, even though it's important to us.

For context, I also see a couple of other people, and this all balances for me quite well.

InsaneMystic 11-22-2013 04:55 AM

In my case... no kids (ever, period), no job (highly likely to remain a case of "ever", too). Too little time is just about the least of my concerns - it's an abundant and renewable resource to me. ;)

JaneQSmythe 11-22-2013 05:16 AM

I live with both of mine (as does Phy and LR...and others here) so a lot of our time is amongst the three of us. We (Me, MrS, and Dude) carve out "us two" time from "all together" time. (No kids in our case...but LR has kids and Phy is trying.)

Inyourendo 11-22-2013 05:40 AM

I have a decent work schedule and only do classes Mon/wed so I have weekends off. That is when I have Time

LovingRadiance 11-22-2013 06:20 AM

We live together and raise the kids together.
When Maca had a girlfriend who didn't live here, we traded off babysitting (she had a child too).

Cleo 11-22-2013 07:01 AM

I don't have kids, and if I did, I don't think I would be able to live the poly life I'm living now.

That said - even now, with all my time besides working hours my own, I find scheduling a challenge. I always seem to be able to find the time to see lovers and new interests, it's old friends, established relationships, and most importantly my relationship with myself, that suffers from being too busy.
a couple of things:
I try to never say 'I'm sooo busy'. I find it's a kind of self fulfilling thing. If I don't have time for something or someone I just say: I can't then, but I could do it then.

I try to say no every now and then. Very difficult especially with new and interesting and shiny relationships happening, but necessary.

I have lots of friends with kids who 'give' each other a certain amount of nights, evenings, days per month to do as they please while the other stays home with the kids. Could be anything from hanging out with friends to sitting alone in the library. For poly people this could be going on dates.

london 11-22-2013 07:39 AM

I have a son with autism. He is 7. I have one partner at the moment, I broke up with my last partner at the end of August. We don't live together. He doesn't see me with my son though they did meet once.

My son stays with his dad at weekends or my mum or sister babysit for one of the days. I also see my partner in the day when my son is at school. I saw my last partner every weekend. He lived too far to see during the school day.

Since August, I've been so busy that I don't have time to really start anything new. Maybe in the New Year.

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