Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   How to.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6432)

mikey411 02-08-2011 12:32 AM

How to....
 
Wondering how to bring up poly with our swinger unicorn. My wife and I love her and I feel my wife wants a poly relationship. I know I must go about this carefully or I may loose our unicorn. I think our unicorn may be thinking the same thing, but I think we are all afraid of pushing each other away.

Comments?
Suggestions?


Just to add... My wife and I are in a VERY secure marrage. we have children.
I have expressed my feelings for our unicorn, and my wife is open to it. She enjoys the idea of sharing our life with another.
our unicorn is a experienced bi-sexual swinger, who is currently single and has not been able to find a mate. She has dropped ambigous hints, but nothing solid. But I do know she is very attracted to both of us.

MonoVCPHG 02-08-2011 03:45 AM

I would ask yourselves one question first. What are you hoping to gain from transitioning from swinging to poly?

I can see where this might scare her off...perhaps she will see it as you want her to stop exploring sexual relationships of any kind with others to create a safe sexual triad. What will you really be able to offer her? What does she want out of life that this dynamic could hold her back from....kids, marriage, freedom to introduce her hubby to her parents and co-workers with the knowledge he has a wife?

Just things to ask yourself.

Peace
Mono

greeneyes 02-08-2011 04:34 AM

I think it's important to be honest and open with her about your feelings. You said that your wife is open to the idea... if you all approach her gently and sincerely, she might really be happy about it. If you and your wife give off the vibe that you are talking about "what to do with your unicorn" behind her back, that might chase her away more quickly than being honest.

I'm not super-experienced with poly, but this issue seems to be more about open communication in general and not specific to poly-ness.

redpepper 02-08-2011 05:36 AM

Poly offers a whole other gammot of things to a relationship. Commiting to something like "love" is HUGE. Especially to swingers. You say she might already be into this, and that would be great if she is, but make sure that you know for sure what your boundaries are before setting out... then tell her your thoughts... give her time to think and then set boundaries together. She might still want to look for a partner that is mono, she might still want to swing. She might want to move in. These are all things to discuss and take slowly. At least consider taking slowly. NRE is also HUGE and can make people do stuff they later regret. You know this woman as someone you like to have over and fuck (totally assuming here), there is a big difference between this scenario and taking out the garbage, deciding what to do on the weekend, who will pick the kids up, who gets to have a date next tuesday... blah blah blah... it isn't all wine, chocs and fucking. Just saying ;) Lots to think about and lots to take in. It could go swimmingly or bottom out... it could be great for a time and fall on it's face. You are going to learn tons, and sometimes feel bliss and sometimes extreme pain.... but you will be living as big as you can :) its your choice.

mikey411 02-08-2011 10:51 AM

Wow, all really great responses!

There is alot to think about...

First off, just to be clear, my wife first suggested the idea of poly.... and this would be our first!

Its really not about sex (at least with me), I really do love her, we have a ton in common. I know my wife is very attracted to her.. but to what extent I will have to explore more before going on...

I know my unicorn, wants a mate who is into swinging as well. But I feel that is because she wants to explore her bi-sexual side as well and figures swinging is the only way. I'm not sure if she even knows about the poly life. But I do have to wonder if she will give that up to be with us.!

As far as blending into the family, I dont know how far... Personally I wouldnt mind opening my home to my unicorn. But again as pointed out what will she think...


I still need an idea how to talk to my unicorn, if and when we feel the time is appropriate. I still have a deep down gut feeling we are all thinking the same thing... and I don't want to be wrong because I don't want to loose her.

All the posts are food for thought... thank you... I will probaly re read them later and re-post.. but till then keep them coming!

Thanks all!

angeleyes 02-08-2011 04:18 PM

I agree with greeneyes on this (no surprise, heh): if I was a single bisexual womon, I think I would find it flattering to think that this couple was talking about their deep feelings of affection for me when I wasn't even around, whereas I would find it creepy if I found out they were making plans for "what to do with me." I wouldn't want to be thought of as a sexual resource to be managed, if that makes sense.

mikey411 02-08-2011 07:29 PM

Angeleyes... you make perfect sense....

Well, first I (we) never thought "what will our unicorn do for us", that never crossed our minds... She is a great person not an endentured servant.

Before anything else (sexually or otherwise) she is our friend, thats why I (we) are nervous about approaching the topic.. I don't want to loose a friend in the process...

We have a ton to think about... only time will tell..

redpepper 02-08-2011 10:41 PM

You might want to do a search on here for unicorns. A tag search will bring up all the threads tagged as such. A lot has been discussed and written here that might be helpful in order to give you a heads up on what could come up for all of you.

mikey411 02-09-2011 01:35 AM

thank you redpepper, i will!

Ariakas 02-09-2011 02:34 AM

I didn't read the rest...

but why? Why bring in a label that might throw her. Let the emotions and attachment grow on its own. Throwing this in the way might get in the way.

Sometimes...just falling into poly is the best bet...


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:35 PM.