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-   -   Uncertain about Poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6426)

crazyshela 02-07-2011 05:47 PM

Uncertain about Poly
I knew this man for three years, but actually long distance relationship the whole time. He knew other woman which I been unaware the whole time until last month. He came and we agreed to get preggy even before he told me about him being poly and in love with me and her. I met his other woman and we hit it off as friends, but she was upset about the whole thing too..

Any opinion about this?


Ariakas 02-07-2011 06:13 PM

Relationships built on deceit are really difficult...

But they are possible. With lots of hard work and communication

crazyshela 02-07-2011 07:25 PM

Thanks! Poly is interesting to me, but it's just that my bf haven't told me about it for 3 yrs and that he been seeing someone else at the same time. I know that its common for people to date varies of people before they decide to be committed to. I hope he is true poly as his other woman and I are both monos- and if he knew he would have looked for poly friendly women- but i know that he happen to fell in love with us. He met her a year before me.

sage 02-07-2011 08:20 PM

eeek! Is it too late to put the preggy plans on hold until you sort this out?

his other woman and I are both monos- and if he knew he would have looked for poly friendly women-

Sorry but this is rubbish. If he thought you were poly friendly he wouldn't have kept the other woman a secret. He is being cowardly and now he's trying to justify his actions.

Check out my blog (link in signature), It's all about I dealt with being a mono in a poly relationship. I now consider myself poly friendly but you can only get to that place with honesty and your man needs to find some in a hurry.

crazyshela 02-07-2011 08:28 PM

I will check your blog.


redpepper 02-08-2011 05:19 AM

agree with Sage "rubbish" (okay I just wanted to say rubbish, we don't say that here ;)). He fell for who he fell for and lied about it. He was cheating. That is not poly. Poly is built from a set of foundations. At least in my life anyway. One of which is honesty. The others are open communication, empathy/consideration of others I am involved with, integrity and respect. These threads might help http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755

To me, when someone cheats they are not acting out of any from a place that indicates they value the four things I listed above. I suggest he look long and hard here and elsewhere and get his acted together. You and the other woman should do the same thing I think.

This is totally salvagable and could work, but you all have a shit load of work to do, starting with the pain he has caused by being deceitful. That trust is extremely hard to get back... in fact I highly doubt that it ever comes back entirely. It lasts from one relationship to the next and tarnishes everything.... I speak from experience with this one. My own.

If I were in your situation I think I would be getting my own life together and planning on my own, in case he doesn't work out. It's you and baby now. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him... I would not want to be starting a life time of parenting with a man who has lied to me for three years. Ya, he would be a good baby daddy, but I would expect nothing of the truth to come from his mouth from here on in and move on to someone who is willing to rise to the occasion and be a stand up man and dad. Speaking as a mum, you will benefit more and so will your baby.

Good luck. :) I know this is hard to hear. Take it or leave it... its your choice, its just my opinion.

sage 02-08-2011 09:04 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 65243)
agree with Sage "rubbish" (okay I just wanted to say rubbish, we don't say that here ;)).

:p I think I do very well to keep my unAmericanisms or should it be unAmericanizms at bay? Either way that word comes up as nonexsitant. I realized after I wrote "rubbish" that you probably wouldn't get it, I should have changed it to "that's garbage" but at the time the only rubbishy word I could think of was "trash" which didn't fit. Either way this guy is a "nong".

crazyshela 02-08-2011 05:48 PM

Thanks for the word of the day! "Nong" in Australian slang, nong is used as a pretty mild and/or endearing insult. a bit of a twit, or idiot. nothing too mean or horrid is meant by calling someone a nong. from Urban Dictionary lol :p

Indeed, when a man not letting me know he is polyamory himself, and even had another woman all along when we date really piss me off slowly- at first I was in shock- because I was in "Love" and did not know what to say or feel- and it slowly releases and caught up with me everytime I think about it. If I see it on other people it is different cuz I can see it from there, but someone in my face it is totally hard. I felt it isnt fair when someone got u in love with them first- then discuss about many things being together- buying a house- having kids- etc.. etc.. then he slowly pulls you into something, like hint, hint, hints. I asked him if he is thinking about poly he said yes- later I asked him if he had someone on his mind, he said no. I thought he was nice guy all along- innocent and all.. now I have to deal with sorting things out, deciding if we should work it out or ditch him which is not that simple for me.
By the way, I'm not preggy, yes it is good thing! I can't go on birth control pills because they seem to make me very cranky :mad:

Thanks for your advices and links I will check 'em :-)

redpepper 02-08-2011 09:44 PM

@ sage- I live in canada, with british parents. Garbage works for me as does rubbish. ;)

Um, crazyshela, isn't it better toi use condoms at this point and get tested? He has not been faithful. Fluid bonding could mean all kinds of diseases. He hasn't been honest, will he really be honest about who he has had sex with without protection!?

crazyshela 02-08-2011 09:47 PM

Had tests done. I'm ok. But I know what you mean, it is very scary. I was stupid.

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