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-   -   Please Help! Boundary Issue (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64122)

bofish 11-16-2013 11:25 PM

Please Help! Boundary Issue
The short story is been married 15 year. Husband has GF who he sees once a week.

Sex parties are "big" part of GF life. About a year ago my husband and I nogoiated that he would not go to sex parties because they make me really uncomfortable.

We tonight is their night together. I asked were they were going (just casually) and he said a "play party." We decided that was cool because I am fine with SM..but it turns out it IS a sex party.

A couple of things:

1. I feel once again devistated because the GF went behind my back and invited him when she knows it's part of our boundaries. He went along with it, by just saying yes and not finding out where they were going.

2. She says that I am being controling but from reading 100s of posts here, it was my understanding that the primary partner is perfectly in their rights to nogiate what their partner can and can't do. For example, many people don't want their partner to KISS someone before meeting them...are my standards too high? Am I being controling?

3. They invited me (after it all came out) to attend the sex party. I am thinking of doing it so i know what it's like in reality versus my imagination. I am curious and very slightly turned on, but I have had bad experiences with friends doing meth and having orgies. I am also pretty sexually conservative. Frankly, I'm scared and grossed out to go...should I go?

4. GF says she feels secondary. But she wants him to herslef. Doesn't want to be friends with me or our kids...I guess she wants him once a week and as if he's single ie no boundaries or calls from me...

Any advice? The other issue is there is no communication between her and I .. only "she said" from husband. She doesn't WANT to communicate with me. I told husband why didn't they just come to me and talk. Even if I said no, at least we were communicating. But, she prefers to sneak...

Please help for a confused friend!

SouthernGal 11-17-2013 12:13 AM

You can't set boundaries on her, but you can definitely talk to your husband. If you set these boundaries as part of your negotiations with him, he should abide by them or re-negotiate with you regardless of her desires. Their relationship is not yours and your relationship is not hers. You can't tell them how to run their relationship and she can't invalidate your negotiations with him. I doubt the sex parties include meth, so I would encourage you to check one out for yourself, but only if you are ready. Leave out she said stuff. His relationship with you is between you and the two of you need to discuss this. Trust is very important, and you need to trust him to hold to your negotiations regardless of outside influence. He needs to trust that he can come to you and have a rational discussion if he wants to renegotiate. I suggest you talk to him about how important this is and how you feel so you can work it out between you.

Emm 11-17-2013 12:14 AM

On points 2 and 4, yes, in my opinion you're sticking your nose in where it's not needed.

Originally Posted by bofish (Post 247924)
2. She says that I am being controling but from reading 100s of posts here, it was my understanding that the primary partner is perfectly in their rights to nogiate what their partner can and can't do

You are perfectly within your rights to ask, but he is within his to say no and you certainly don't get to dictate what she should find acceptable.

Originally Posted by bofish (Post 247924)
4. GF says she feels secondary. But she wants him to herslef. Doesn't want to be friends with me or our kids...I guess she wants him once a week and as if he's single ie no boundaries or calls from me...

Why can't you allow them one night per week without interference? Do you interrupt their dates often? If so, why on earth would you expect her to find such behaviour reasonable? Would you, if the situation were reversed?

bofish 11-17-2013 12:27 AM

sex parties
I asked him not to go...he agreed to that. He told her he didn't want to go. She persisted. She went behind my back asking him to another "sex party" he assumed it was a SM party.

I don't interrupt their dates. Of course that is 100 percent fair. What she means is that she doesn't want me to ask him not to go to sex party because she feels that is controlling her time. However, it is something I requested and he agreed to.

Emm 11-17-2013 12:38 AM

In that case it needs to be between her and your husband, who may be exacerbating the problem by the way he explains things.

Once the two of you have agreed to something he needs to take equal ownership of it. Does he say "I won't go to sex parties with you", or "My wife says I can't go to sex parties with you"? The former makes it something that is what he will or won't do by his own volition. The latter sets you up as a controlling bad guy by sidestepping the fact that he agreed to the situation himself. If he's taking the second option he needs to re-think his wording.

Norwegianpoly 11-17-2013 01:19 AM

Stop the focus on her. Focus on him, and what he is doing. It is responsability to convey to anyone he is with what HE, as an adult, has decided not to do.

Talk to you husband. Get him to initiate some kind of contact between the two of you. Metamours should be able to at least talk to each other. also, communication is so much easier when your husband does not have to to all this message-carrrying.

Go to at least one sex party, just as someone watching. See for yourself what it is like. You can take your husband with you if you like, or someone else you trust. Be curious; it you don't like it, why? This may help you with your arguments should you contiue to veto him not freqnenting these parties.

Consider how your husband's girlfriend can be included in your life. Is that what she wants? Or does she want more time with him alone? How can it be arranged? What are you willing to do to open up your heart and home to her - and vice verca?

Dagferi 11-17-2013 01:31 AM


He has no say about what we do, what we do, and so on.

IMO butt out of their relationship.

Norwegianpoly 11-17-2013 01:56 AM

She as the primary has the right to negotiate with him things she does not want him to to, generally. It is not like she goes to sexparties with him herself, but does not want his girlfriend to go with him! :cool: He as an adult have the right to say; I don't agree with that. In this case he has agreed to something, then by defoult (not checking which party they would attend) breaking the rules. It is clear that he in reality does not value the agreement he himself made :o. That is problematic in itself! Maybe he breaks the rule because it is not fair, or because it was hard to keep. Then it is his own responsablity to go to her and say; Ok. I broke the rule, I am sorry. Things seem to not work smoothly, should we go over our rules again? How can we make rules that are workable when I am with girlfriend? And - if ever - girlfriend is moving towards being more than secondary; what rules can apply then? With two primary girls, who would make the rules? would there be rules? :rolleyes:

ps; I am in the process of getting a second primary, and that is not easy. It is like stepping into unknown waters. I have been used to having a sor-of-secondary for years and I imagined I would find another, I could not imagine even wanting to live with anyone but my husband. Life is scary, sometimes, it gives out challenges. The best of luck with yours :)

bofish 11-17-2013 02:02 AM


Butch and Murf sound like two equal relationships...so you don't agree with boundaries, fluid-bonding, and other such stuff for secondary relationships? I liken going sex parties to this.

I maybe should go to the party, But I feel very sex negative, not positive. My experiences of sex in my life have largely been tied to parents abandoning me for lovers, friends dying of hIV, a best friend being a domestic abuse victim... I have had no role models for 'healthy' sex.

My husband going to a sex party makes me feel bad and alienated from him and not wanting to fuck him in a relationship that already is sexually tentative at best. I don't really want people who hang out at sex parties around my kids.

I WANT to view sex parites as OK, but i just don't. It's not a moral reaction, it's a visceral one.

Also, the primary issue is WE made an agreemnt, they both disrespected it. I feel worthless.

bofish 11-17-2013 02:05 AM

Doesn't want to be a primary
she doesn't want to be a primary. She has made it clear that she only wants to be "friendly" with me, and have no relationship with our kids. She wants her own partner and to keep seeing my husband once a week indefinitely.

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