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-   -   decreased libido with multiple partners (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64109)

PolyLifePartners4 11-16-2013 08:14 PM

decreased libido with multiple partners
I was in a monogomous relationship for 10 years to my husband, the father of my children. We went on a website for swingers and met a few people to fill our desires. Our plans were to only do it a few times to fill those desires and boost our sex life. One couple we met we had an instant attraction to and over time became lovers. It wasn't planned but was a very pleasant surprise. I learned I was bisexual so I played with her and her husband and my husband and she played with hers, me and mine. The men were never involved together, as they are both straight but we've had mindblowing lesbian time, 3 somes and 4 somes. We've been together for 5 years and got emotionally married, not legally since we are all already married.

Here's where I need help. We all have jobs, live under 10 miles apart and our kids get along great. Like siblings. Because we all work and have families our times together are limited. I started a new job and I find myself exhausted daily. I get up very early and go to bed very late. We all have different schedules. Ive noticed my libido has dropped dramatically since the job change. My husband and I don't get alone time like we used to and it's tough for us. They don't get alone time like they used to either due to the job changes for her husband. I'm so tired all the time I find that, even though I do want to emotionallly, I don't have energy to get together like I used to, I just want to stay home in my pajamas or try and get house work done or just be alone with my family. Yet I desire to be with them as well. My love for them hasn't changed at all. We still love them deeply, my libido has just dropped so much I can't seem to control it and my sleepiness. I need help and ideas on how to increase my libido. I talked to a therapist and my dr (they don't know about my multiple partners) and they both said it sounds like I am just tired. To try to make a date night. I'm so tired that it's hard for me to find or make time to please my husband without having a quickie. I'm so tired of quickies. I need more...I've tried to masterbate to increase it but meeting with them during the week seems to take all my desire then I feel I have nothing left for my husband. I really need your help on ideas as I am all out of them. Please give me ideas on how to improve my desire. It's hard to please 3 people when I barely have it in me to please one. I'm sexually frustrated and would appreciate any help.:confused:

Norwegianpoly 11-16-2013 08:34 PM

Get new jobs, or start eating better/working out/improving your life as to get more energy.

LovingRadiance 11-16-2013 09:59 PM

I havent had sex with my partner in over two months because out schedules are a disaster and we are too exhausted when time allows. But we cuddle, snuggle and accept that its temporary.

Dirtclustit 11-16-2013 11:13 PM

being tired is one thing
but whose idea was it that you need a boost in libido? Unless your partners are communicating frustration is it really that big of a deal? So long as you haven't lost it completely and it isn't affecting the sex you do have, I wouldn't worry about cyclic variation.

However if someone is complaining other than your own mind, maybe they could help you get some chores done or do them for you so that you get enough rest or come home to the house the way you want it, after those distractions and energy zappers are not part of the equation and you still think there is a problem, then there might be a solution to fix it

make sure that there is an actual problem and it isn't the typical cause which is mis-communication (close second to a partner behaving like an asshole)

If there is a actual problem, you might need to figure out if it is necessary. If you too tired and don't have the energy, do you really need to work that much? Sometimes we do have to suffer through struggling times, but if you don't have to, make sure that the cause of the problem is worth it.

Remember to evaluate whether or not the benefits are worth it, sometimes creating problems such as having no energy -- because you are working too many hours -- sometimes it's not worth it.

Magdlyn 11-17-2013 02:47 PM

It just sounds like your work schedule is killing your sex drive. How many hours a day do you work and commute? Are these long hours temporary or permanent?

I had 3 children in 5 years and they were not good at sleeping through the night, and also were constantly crawling all over my lap when they were awake. I was a full time mom. I spent years being tired and feeling touched out. And nearly sexless. Things changed when my youngest child turned 5 though. LR has kids and grandkids living with her, so her saying she hasn't had sex in 2 months does not surprise me.

Can you make changes to get more sleep? As Dirt said, get more help with chores around the house? Our bodies require rest more than sex, so when your physical stores are depleted, the sex drive is naturally going to plummet.

Dana 12-08-2013 05:39 PM

Stress and fatigue are libido killers. What if you scheduled a day off for yourself every couple of months that included time with partners instead? You could get a good night's sleep ahead of time. Then, you may not "feel" like it right away, but once things get going, you may. Libido can be a bit self-perpetuating.

Oldpolyman 12-17-2013 01:32 AM

Our Dr. says that sex will someday be a fond memory, but if I can be so bold, we haven't slowed down at all, but sometimes snuggling and cuddles are better than sex.
Hugs :p

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 247909)
I havent had sex with my partner in over two months because out schedules are a disaster and we are too exhausted when time allows. But we cuddle, snuggle and accept that its temporary.

medicrene 01-04-2014 08:04 PM

Life is a lesson that is all about priorities. Once we learn that we cannot have everything we want, we then have to learn what is most important to us and make that happen. For some things, huge wealth, for example, you will need to work so many hours (unless it just falls into your lap) and you will have to sacrifice family and fun to obtain it.

If people are your priority, then perhaps you need to sacrifice a certain amount of wealth. But the key to happiness in life is not to take one or the other, but to find an all encompassing balance between the many aspects of our life that we want.

For me, I have kept my ownership of "stuff" to a minimum. I have a nice home, but it is not a palace. I work the hours I want to work and socialize the hours I want to socialize.

nycindie 01-04-2014 08:24 PM

Hire someone to come once a week to clean the house, do laundry, etc., to free up more time for yourself. See what other ways others can help you with your responsibilities now that your work schedule has increased. You can't be expected to keep doing what you always did along with longer hours at work. Also, perhaps, visit a health-food store and look in the aisle for supplements that boost energy.

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