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-   -   what's "normal" in poly? ? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=64100)

JadeDoor 11-16-2013 06:02 PM

what's "normal" in poly? ?
 
my thread about my husband's gf breaking up with him and him wanting to be mono again can be found here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=58188

Brief synopsis is that we worked that out and are still practicing poly but he has a huge issue with me dating his brother, which I've been doing since July. Today it came to a head again and he told me I have to choose. He said it's a taboo he just can't get past and that I'm having an incestuous affair.

On Thursday my counselor saw just me and we discussed all this. She said what many of you said, that I shouldn't break up with Mark because I will be resentful. She said I need to work on being a thermostat and not a thermometer. With my anxiety and codependency I get really stressed out by others moods and issues.

So my question is a difficult one. ... What's "too strange" "too much of a taboo" "crossing boundaries" in poly? Neverwhere suggested talking to more seasoned poly people to see if maybe it's just a hang up of his. Personally I think he and his brother have issues from the past they need to work out. I got the impression that our kind of made up family unit is unique but not dysfunctional in poly life. Am I wrong? Have I crossed a line and this is just too much for my husband to deal with? Do I let him keep trying or do I give up? ?

alibabe_muse 11-16-2013 07:06 PM

I'm a newbie since July to the concept of poly but the term incestuous would be "blood" relations having intimate encounters. You and his brother are not blood related so there is zero incest happening.

The dynamics of your relationships may seem strange to the outside world but in my opinion, it seems no different than any other V, only your men are brothers.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband's wishiwashness except to stand your ground and hopefully he'll work out his issues with the relationship. Goodluck.

Norwegianpoly 11-16-2013 07:07 PM

Ok, so your husband dated his ex-wife under your roof and still think you dating his brother is a little bit over the top? Seems you both have a preferance for what is close at hand and he is not one to judge you. Anyhow, I know some family poly relationships may work, like some mormon-related families I have seen. Personally, I would not like it at all if my husband dated one of my sisters - but he knows that and we would never engage in that in the first place. Now that you are in the relationship, you already have a responsability towards your boyfriend. I think it is fair to be able to veto a new/potentional lover in the very beginning (like I veto'ed a girl who totally behaved like she would take my place, acting jealous in public and what not), but not a clear-cut relationship. There you stay, and deal with the problems as they come along. Hopefully your husband will find ways to deal with it. Best of luck :)

JadeDoor 11-16-2013 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alibabe_muse (Post 247880)

The dynamics of your relationships may seem strange to the outside world but in my opinion, it seems no different than any other V, only your men are brothers.

I don't know what to tell you about your husband's wishiwashness except to stand your ground and hopefully he'll work out his issues with the relationship. Goodluck.

Thank you. The tension in the house gets to be a lot sometimes.

JadeDoor 11-16-2013 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Norwegianpoly (Post 247881)
Ok, so your husband dated his ex-wife under your roof and still think you dating his brother is a little bit over the top? Seems you both have a preferance for what is close at hand and he is not one to judge you. Anyhow, I know some family poly relationships may work, like some mormon-related families I have seen. Personally, I would not like it at all if my husband dated one of my sisters - but he knows that and we would never engage in that in the first place. Now that you are in the relationship, you already have a responsability towards your boyfriend. I think it is fair to be able to veto a new/potentional lover in the very beginning (like I veto'ed a girl who totally behaved like she would take my place, acting jealous in public and what not), but not a clear-cut relationship. There you stay, and deal with the problems as they come along. Hopefully your husband will find ways to deal with it. Best of luck :)

so the ex wife thing, .... I have brought that up, but he says that was my idea. He's right that I suggested it. I knew she still had feelings for him and I figured the reverse could be true. Doesn't mean it was easy for me. Just like with his new gf.. She is mono and has a lot of insecurities so I let him break a lot of our rules with her at first because I knew he really liked her and I wanted it to work out.

I guess he say he tried to do the same with Mark and failed so now we should just stop because my husband tried and can't do it. At first he said no to Mark and I dating, much like your veto, but then rescinded and said we could.

At the end of the day we both want the other to be happy and that seems an impossibility right now because of whatever hang up he has with Mark.

LovingRadiance 11-16-2013 10:17 PM

At the end of the day there is no normal. There are social norms and poly isnt one.
As for the rest-it is a matter of addressing what each person is capable of handling.
Each person has a right to define their own boundaries of what they will or wont accept in their life.

Spock 11-16-2013 10:56 PM

I'm not sure it's so strange for there to be sibling rivalry and antagonism going on. I'm not sure I agree that this isn't incestuous. It certainly feels like it.

JadeDoor 11-17-2013 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 247912)
At the end of the day there is no normal. There are social norms and poly isnt one.
As for the rest-it is a matter of addressing what each person is capable of handling.
Each person has a right to define their own boundaries of what they will or wont accept in their life.

I feel like he had many chances to definitively say no and instead he said yes while secretly wishing I would say I don't really want to.

Now I have choices to make as well because Mark and I have been dating a few months and really care about each other. We dated before Neverwhere and I even met actually. Lol. kind of a funny story. That's how my husband and I met was through a failed dating experience with his brother

I want Neverwhere to be happy but I feel like I'm saying I don't care about mark if I break up with him because I'm told to.

JadeDoor 11-17-2013 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spock (Post 247921)
I'm not sure it's so strange for there to be sibling rivalry and antagonism going on. I'm not sure I agree that this isn't incestuous. It certainly feels like it.

well I'd like opposing view points. Could you explain to me why you feel that way and what you would do in my situation?

Spock 11-17-2013 12:46 AM

Myself, I remember being raised specifically to not pursue specific hobbies in order to give my brother a space to grow outside my shadow.

Now clearly you know both brothers and you clearly understand their sibling dynamic, yes? That they can both love you and each other without any problems, right? Or is there any unresolved jealousy that needs to be addressed? Because you've mentioned Mark is afraid of being kicked out, which while unfortunate is a real threat? I'm not saying Neverwhere is in the right, just that he already has an existing relationship with Mark that is stronger than yours with either of them.

That aside, about the incest: Mark and Neverwhere cannot have sex simultaneously with you without there being an incestuous atmosphere. Perhaps you've never considered that as a possibility? I know I'm not interested in my brother's sex life.


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