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-   -   First Date, (sort of) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=640)

LadyMacbeth 08-16-2009 02:03 PM

First Date, (sort of)
 
I have a close friend that I've known for about two years, and have only recently been able to accept my feelings of attraction for him since my husband Macbeth and I have been talking about opening up our relationship. Yesterday, I had a "first date" in a way. This friend and I had recently been on a play date to the park with friends and were discussing favorite movies (he's a film school graduate). After getting consent from Macbeth, I texted my friend to see if he wanted to hang out and watch a movie together. I had interesting butterflies and excitement, although decided in advance that I would make no advances whatsoever and simply enjoy the time and be completely aware of my feelings.

I had an unexpected set of emotions, and would love to hear other's experience. I found myself feeling worried about Macbeth before I went over, really needing his reassurance that he was comfortable with this. I also realized I felt protective of my "other," that I wouldn't want to lead him on and then later have Macbeth feel uncomfortable and ask me to back out. Thus, I am keeping things quite platonic, enjoying the building friendship. But oh, the sexual tension was there! Macbeth and I discussed this, he reassured me that he is comfortable, and supportive of my continued pursuit and does not have jealousy. He and I made an agreement that I would feel comfortable asking about anything, and would accept his answer the first time without going into a needy litany of "are you sure you're okay with this." Vice versa, he absolutely promised to let me know immediately if there were any reservations.

In terms of the time with my potential, it was lovely and enjoyable with a perfect "lead in" to a conversation, that I let go for this time. He stated he was "really impressed that my husband feels comfortable letting me spend time alone" with him. It would have been a perfect opportunity to say, "we're comfortable with a lot of things," but I know I'm not QUITE ready for that, but almost!

I would love any advice or comments.

Lady Macbeth

Quath 08-16-2009 02:14 PM

I am happy for you. Good first platonic date overall.

I think your husband is right that you just need to accept his answer that he is alright. It is his responsibility to state when he is not. Or to tell you later if something did bother him. He can also say that something is alright, but later not feel like it is ok. It may be after something has happened, but that can be worked out as long as you two keep talking.

I say that you should enjoy this time and the build up of NRE. Keep doing what you have been doing (communication) and I think you are in for some good experiences.

LadyMacbeth 08-17-2009 05:37 AM

First date has transitioned now to first kiss! After my movie date, and a long discussion with Macbeth, I spent some time with my potential this afternoon and informed him of my attraction, and of our marital agreement. He confessed to having a long term "crush" on me, that he had been repressing for months due to being friends with Macbeth and central to our social circle. After going home and having a long conversation with Macbeth, we agreed that if it was right, it would be okay to kiss. So, went on a jog this evening with my potential, and the time was right, and it was lovely!

Macbeth 08-17-2009 04:19 PM

I wanted to chime in here with my comments on this situation.

I was actually very excited for Lady Macbeth to pursue things with this gentleman. After their outing (as in date, not public declaration) the other day, and the following conversation they had, I felt very pleased that they were able to have this openness with each other.

I was also quite happy she had someone to jog with in the evenings, since I don't jog and I've always been nervous of her jogging alone at night. When she got back and told me about the kiss, I was happy for her, and glad that they had such a nice encounter.

Now, that's not to say I didn't have a whole package of emotions. I felt a great deal of ambivalence later in the evening, but after I allowed myself to feel it, and then took a look at what it was, I realized it had more to do with the permanent change in relationship that this is, and not with any specific action. I wasn't jealous, or even envious, but rather wondering how all of this was going to play out over time. I was considering it something akin to buying a new car. You've made a decision, and an investment, and there's no going back on it. Was it the right decision? Can you afford the payment? Was it an impulsive purchase, should you have shopped around more? All of those thoughts. I'm feeling more comfortable again this morning, but some of the uncertainty still lingers. And that's fine. You can't expect total giddy joy about the whole thing at all times.

I'm still excited about the path ahead. I'm just ready to accept ALL the feelings that go with it.


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