Hello, I'm confused.
I'm the husband in a loving relationship. My wife has recently confessed she wants more, a lover, a boyfriend, and a second husband.
How is everyone? I'm struggling because, as a man, it is a lot more difficult for me to find other partners than she can, and so have to deal with staying home alone while she is out on dates. There is some jealousy there, but she has offered to help me review my OKC profile to see if that helps.
The current person she is starting to date has offered to find us/me a fourth to make it easier, but I'm worried its temporary and I'll be back to trying to find a date while she is having fun.
Of course she has mentioned I'm totally invited to the dates because she really wants to be with two men at once, so there is that.
The difficulty really is really that she is driving this, so is more motivated than I am. Can anyone just talk me through this if you've been there and done that?
Could you clarify a few things?
- You say your wife "confessed she wants more." How much did you talk about what "more" might look like? Did you actually, explicitly agree that she could date other guys? Or did she just dive in and start, just because it's what she wanted?
(You say she is "driving this" . . . but you are involved in it, and your wants and needs and -most important - judgment and choice should matter, too.)
- Do you really want or need or choose to pursue another relationship on your own account, or are you doing it just so you won't be on your own while your wife is out with other guys?
- Being with two men may be your wife's fantasy, but is being with a man and a woman - or any two other people - your fantasy? Do you consider yourself bound to fulfilling your wife's fantasy?
It's hard to say much without knowing your answers to these - and other! - questions, but I have to say my first instinct is to say that, even though she's driving, the emergency brake is in reach. At the very least, you may need to slow the heck down and really talk through the implications of what's happening now.
As for whether it's really more difficult for men or for women to find other partners, well, that's a matter of some debate on the forum. You'll find whole, long threads about it. I'm agnostic on the question, myself.
Yeah, I'm starting to read around the forum, but I also just needed to talk to someone too. I don't feel comfortable bringing this up with friends so I've been feeling isolated.
She just kind of dived in and started several months ago under the pretext of going out for drinks with co-workers, and then being terribly upset when they wouldn't reciprocate her flirting (she was married, after all!)
We've talked about it and have both read the Ethical Slut after that; she has since then clarified and brought up that she misses the feeling, the rush, of falling in love, and that she really wants two cocks at once, and that she is in love with a co-worker who explicitly told her to:
1) Read the Ethical Slut
2) Talk to me
3) Said he just wanted to be friends
On my part I understand that I have clung to her entirely too much; that I had assumed as part of marriage that I was supposed to dedicate all of my attention towards her and that she is exhausted from it. I think part of the fun of dating is just getting a break from me. That still leaves me with unmet needs however since I had chosen to dedicate all of my attention to her, then now I need to find others to spend time with.
Short answer, no, I don't really need a second relationship except that my wife is unable to sustain/support the amount of attention and affection I ask of her sometimes.
And, yes, we have been taking it slow, insofar as she is concerned. I could probably say no outright and that would make her very unhappy.
The thing is though that I think I do need another relationship because I need people to talk to. I feel so much better just being on this forum, already, because I'm talking to someone about this. Outside of these past few posts there has been no one I can talk to except my wife, who already feels overburdened by how much I monopolize her time and energy.
It isn't fair that I take all of her time and energy; as a human she has the right to reserve some for herself and allocate to whom she wants, just like I have to right to ask her for time too.
It's just hard because I will be in starvation mode if I don't find other people to talk to, because there is no one else to meet my needs. The idea of poly isn't anathema to me, having additional partners, friends, lovers, etc, sounds good.
The hard part is actually finding them.
Not sure what you're confused about
it sounds like you are saying you are disappointed that it seems harder for you to find dates than your wife.
If you are sure that that is honestly the problem you are having, then it shouldn't be difficult to deal with a little bit of frustration from dating not being as successful as you want it to be.
the only time such a benign frustration will cause problems is when that isn't really what is going on.
I'm glad to hear you're finding the place useful. Your descriptions of you monopolizing your wife's time and energy or being in starvation mode if you're not with other people make it sound like you're a hard-core extrovert, so this may not work for you, but can you try being a little happier with and by yourself rather than relying on external validation? The "must meet new people" thing may be coming across as desperation in your dating life.
Disclaimer: I'm over on the introverted side of the fence, and having someone want to spend every waking moment with me would have me heading for the hills faster than you can say "psychic vampire".
You might want to settle down and figure out if you really are OK with this. Sometimes people only feel they have unmet needs because their spouse does. And that is a very normal reaction to have.
Sometimes it is less about the sex and the feeling of falling in love, and more about craving some time without having to be responsible.
Being a parent is an awful lot of responsibility that if you two don't find healthy ways to relieve that pressure and get a "vacation" from those responsibilities you will find yourselves filled with resentment and bitter
and it is something all parents have to deal with, I guess you need to take a moment to honestly figure out whether or not you will be able to handle this. It would really help of your wife chimed in too, as it almost sounds as if both of you are having trouble being getting relief from the pressure of life
Was she honestly upset that the flirting was returned?
that is being respectful until they understand that you are OK with that.
It sounds like your wife is in such a need to get a break from being responsible, that she is about to pop
might want to take some deep breathes, you really need to figure out what is really going on and how you are going to deal with it
It seems you are quite a social person. Well so am I so I understand :)
Childcare hinders my opportunity to socialise much also so we are in quite a similar position so feel free to talk to me. Having a friend to talk to and offload on might take some of the pressure off of your partner......
I'm not really an extrovert not a social person, ironically. I'm intensely attached and an introvert, meaning I pick very few close friends and dedicate a lot of attention to them. I don't want to misrepresent the situation.
Part of the issue is I/we thought it was supposed to be like this when we got married; that we were supposed to dedicate all of ourselves to each other. Another issue was the passing of my dad. I would normally spend an hour or so a day chatting with him, and switched my attention to my wife when he died.
So therein lies my disappointment; I have no one to share any of this with, and I can't really talk to my wife:
1) That would be monopolizing her time
2) She would feel attacked
3) She can't help because the times I need to talk, she is already out
Just being on this board, reading about others dealing with their emotions, getting people talking to me, and knowing I'm not alone has lifted a tremendous amount if the burden from my shoulders.
She has every intention of joining this board too, so I think it right I don't misconstrue her actions or motivations, and squarely couch things in the way I feel, I see, I am.
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