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-   -   Can you co-parent a newborn baby with a lover and live separately? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63731)

Zsuzsanna 11-14-2013 02:46 AM

Can you co-parent a newborn baby with a lover and live separately?
I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?

peabean 11-14-2013 03:45 AM

In my experience, it is unrealistic to expect you can live separately while co-parenting. Newborns require an incredible amount of time and energy. If you intend to nurse it won't be easy to leave the baby with a different person for a number of months.

Is there some benefit to putting this person on the birth certificate? How much involvement is this person expecting to have with the child?

Zsuzsanna 11-14-2013 04:28 AM

Hmm, thanks so much for your thoughts.
I am just wondering about being able to maintain independence/solo poly/space (without becoming financially entwined, co dependent) but also being able to share co-parenting joys/responsibilities with someone..
Sharing baby without the coupledom (and everything associated), I suppose.

Zsuzsanna 11-14-2013 04:40 AM

Our houses are close by...

LovingRadiance 11-14-2013 04:56 AM

Breastfeeding would be damn near impossible-at least for the first 3-6 months while co-parenting separate, because they need to eat every 2-4 hours and if breastfeeding-that requires mom. Period.

BUT-it is absolutely possible to co-parent while living separately if you aren't breastfeeding or after you finish breastfeeding.

Furthermore-there is nothing stopping a lover who lives separately from being there part time to care for the baby. Just not likely to be able to manage equal split if you are breastfeeding. Due to the feeding constraints.

Many courts give parents split time who divorce (and yes, this often happens before the birth of an already conceived child).

With under school age, it's common for them to do a 3 day/4 day split. Meaning, child lives with one parent 3 days one week, 4 days with the other parent, then the following week, 4 days with the first parent and 3 days with the other. This (in my experience as we did it by court order with my stepson) SUCKS if you don't get along.
But-if you get along well and live near each other-that wouldn't be so bad.

We lived separately for a year and a half with 4 kids who went back and forth whenever they wanted to. It was no big deal. We were dating, weren't able to function sharing a home at the time-but were definitely wanting to continue co-parenting and seeing each other.
It was really-not a big deal BECAUSE we worked together and got along. So for example, whoever's home the child was sleeping at, the other one went over to tuck them in at night (we were only 1/2 a mile apart).

Short answer=yes it can be done.
But it requires you to be very well connected in working together and possibly need to be creative.

london 11-14-2013 06:13 AM

You can absolutely breastfeed and co parent in this way. When you are away from your baby, express milk and someone else can feed that expressed milk to the baby via bottle or cup. True, it's advisable to make sure baby is breastfeeding efficiently before you get bottles involved but cup feeding is a good alternative in the meantime. Plenty of babies are breast and bottle fed from day 1 though and don't have any issues.

SchrodingersCat 11-14-2013 08:52 AM

People raise babies without anyone to help, so it "can" be done... it just depends how determined you are and how much burden you figure you can cope with.

Also, what do you mean by co-parent? As in, split the kid's time? Or one parent has primary care and the other comes over to help out?

My bff's sperm donor for her two youngest is a useless twat. Ok, he's actually considered their father, but he really is a useless twat. When he was living with her, it was more like having an extra child to care for. Now she has full custody, he has visitation rights, but his bachelor pad really isn't child-friendly. They've worked out that it's easier for him to just visit at her place, which gives her a chance to get stuff done while someone else watches the kids, without her actually having to leave them in his care out of her sight.

Auto has a complicated looking arrangement, but it really isn't. Her husband is trans, but they wanted more kids than just her first daughter from a previous relationship. They have a gay friend who also wanted to start a family, but lacked the requisite uterus. So they turkey-basted (literally) two kids. The older lives with Auto and her husband, the younger lives with their biodad, but they each take all three kids for one day a week. That way, all the kids get to be together on weekends, and all the parents get one day free from children. Win-win-win. Well, the 15 year old may not think so anymore, because toddlers are totally, like, so annoying...

Gralson also attempted to co-parent his daughter, but her mother was ...unpleasant... so he didn't get much time with her, and zero say in what happened in her life. He did, however, get the privilege of monthly support payments. I don't recommend this arrangement. They now have a tenuous relationship. He's convinced that she hates him, I chalk it up to her being 20 and just wanting to explore life on her own.

PolyinPractice 11-14-2013 03:33 PM


Originally Posted by Zsuzsanna (Post 247154)
I live alone in my own property and want to have a baby.
I have a lover who is not a partner nor in defacto relationship, but there is an option to put them on the birth certificate as the other parent.
Is it unrealistic to expect we can live separately whilst co-parenting a new born?

Of course you can. But are you sure you won't resent your other partner for not being there for you enough? And are you sure you can care for a newborn alone, without neglecting the child? You have to put the child's needs first.

Magdlyn 11-14-2013 04:25 PM

It really does take a village.

Plan it out.

When are you going back to paid work outside the home?

Who will come and hold the baby every night because she hasnt let you put her down all day and youre still in your nightgown, no shower and have barely eaten? This "dont put me down" need can happen at any age, newborn, teething time, when she has a cold, etc.

Do you have other relatives or friends or paid babysitters or daycare of some kind to fill in when your sperm donor isnt around?

As above, do you plan to breastfeed (at least a year of breastfeeding is every baby's birthright)? Pumping and giving the milk to your co-parent or other caregiver to feed to baby is HARD WORK, but doable. So, if bio-dad wants overnights with the baby before one year, know you are taking on a challenge. And many breastfed babies need/want more than one year of snuggly nighttime breastfeedings.

How involved in parenting does your lover want to be? Would there be an option to live together for a while, or at least do lots of overnights in the early months?

london 11-14-2013 05:52 PM

You know, lots of the things people are saying will make this hard are performed by thousands of women who have children in a limited support network. The fact that she will have a co-parent at all would be considered a bonus by the many women who have a partner who is the biological father of the child but doesn't co parent.

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