My husband Macbeth and I are one week into serious conversations about opening our relationship to others. It has been the most intimate week of our marriage in my opinion. It began with a weekend away without our 11 year old daughter (something we haven't done in about two years). We had several intimate conversations, and while making love asked each other about fantasies. We had talked about fantasies of threesomes before. I told him (for the first time, although I had thought about it many times) that I fantasized about him receiving pleasure from another woman. It was very exciting and erotic.
We have been married for 15 years, and neither of us have ever had another sexual partner. We have a solid, loving relationship. We were married young (I 20 and he 23) and were very religious at the time, thus did not have sex before we were married, with each other or with anyone else. We have liberated ourselves from religion, and did so openly about two years ago although we realize we were "done" with conventional morality long before that. We both admitted that we are curious, interested, and desire knowing what it would be like to be with someone else. We originally thought we would be interested in swinging. I realized though that I didn't want just casual sex with someone, but that I wanted the open opportunity to carry deep friendships to a sexual level if we both felt inclined to do so, so long as the other realized that I would tell my husband, and that my marriage would always be "primary." I would never entertain the thought of being with someone that didn't know upfront that my family comes first. So, we aren't interested in adding marital partners, but deep friendships with benefits if we are so inclined.
After these conversations, my eyes were opened to a close friend that I have, who is single. I have mentioned to my husband that I am feeling the chemistry and excitement. He doesn't have any real prospects yet. I am planning on moving very slowly, checking in with my husband every step of the way but the whole concept is leading to a rich, open, wonderful feeling within me, that love cannot be limited but only expanded by adding intimacy with others.
We are discussing parameters, which so far have involved always asking/informing before taking steps, not becoming so involved that it takes time away from each other or our daughter, and being sure any "prospects" have full knowledge in advance of the entire situation. We are still discussing other parameters such as whether or not we would want to allow "sleeping over" with the others, or if we want to preserve that as sacred in our marriage.
We both do not, in theory, believe we will be terribly jealous although action is different than theory. We have discussed more the danger of feeling "envious" of each other if one of us has an easier time finding someone than the other. I am curious if any more experienced members have advice regarding both the envy component, and jealousy component. I would feel really bad if either of us suddenly felt intense jealousy and desired to "pull the rug out," particularly if the other had become emotionally connected.
Thanks for listening and reading to the end of this long message!
Sounds like you're off to a good start. If you haven't done so already there's a lot of resources on the net and in print to help you on the way. Taking a bit of time to look at those should help you with your discussions. I've found them good for bringing up questions that I might have otherwise not thought of until an issue had already come up.
Keep the lines of communication open....and don't panic.
It sounds like you two are doing well. The most common advise you will hear from the poly community is to communicate well with each other. Beyond that, set bounaries that you feel comfortable with for now with the idea that they may change over time as you two experience and learn more.
Making sure everyone is informed is a great key to keeping drama and other issues from getting out of control.
If you start dating someone and your husband starts to get envious, you could try to help set him up. The biggest thing is to learn what your feelings are and communicate them. That works through a whole lot of issues.
I am glad you were able to shake off a religion that did not work well for you. One of the saddest things I see is someone tied to a belief system that makes them sad, miserable or unnecessarily confused.
I wish you well.
It sounds like you two are taking a good approach to life in general and your marriage in particular. I am impressed and at the same time not surprised. It would seem to me to be a natural progression of a healthy, trusting and mature relationship. Wanting to be happy and explore options in your life is always a good thing, IMO. It's wonderful that your spouse is on the same page! I wish you both all the luck in the world as you travel this path.
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