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-   -   Does it offer the same support? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63397)

Hmm 11-12-2013 01:13 AM

Does it offer the same support?
This question is half personal, half theoretical, so please bear with me.

My only real relationship was 1.5 years long with my first love. The breakup is still pretty fresh (3 or 4 months ago) and it was a mess. Horribly stressful time for us both, she lashed out at me with tons of anger, bottled up rage. But after the fact, it was clear we were both still in love.

We handled it different ways. She repressed her love for me by saying I "didn't love her, because..." and then convincing herself I didn't love her. I don't have that same ability to deny feelings...I loved her, and I knew I did, very deeply. The only way I could reconcile that with feeling remotely okay was that I could love her and love others. Thus my initial turn to polyamory as an idea.

In practice it has been a stumble stumble fall kind of struggle and I don't know whether this is right. Long story short, basically the more I let people in, the more alone I felt. I had no "one"...no unconditional lover. No one who really wanted to be there for me above all others. A few of the girls I've explained it to have said, love "can't be" between more than just one person on one person...but I know it can be done, it's been done! So it must work...but is it the same? Does it offer the same emotional support? The idea of "one true love" is very compelling and I don't know what exactly I'm feeling.

Just tonight a friend told me it took her over a year to get over her last breakup...mine was just a few months ago. I've had days where I felt totally okay, and then sometimes, especially when I'm getting close to a friend it seems, I just feel so empty and especially alone and especially missing her again. Just talking to her gives me such a feeling of bliss and okayness I can't seem to feel with other people. Even people who say they love me, who are there for me, who support me and have sex with me. Did I fuck up? Or am I just having a bad day? And how does polyamory really compare to that feeling of being someone's one and only? What are everyone's thoughts and experiences with this?

PolyinPractice 11-12-2013 01:28 AM


Originally Posted by Hmm (Post 246455)
The idea of "one true love" is very compelling

I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out. To the point where I couldn't enter a relationship without already having an exit strategy in place.

Now, in my first poly relationship, I feel comfortable and secure. I have no intention of going anywhere :)

Hmm 11-12-2013 01:59 AM


Originally Posted by PolyinPractice (Post 246459)
I dunno. The idea of "one true love" freaks me out.

That's an interesting contrast. Could you go into it more? What's your history with lovers and feeling love. Heartbreaks? Anxieties? What kind of things were you raised believing or being into? Shows, movies, books....I don't know.

It's weird to think I might not be suited for polyamory despite having such a personal fascination and attraction to it. But I sort of feel like that whenever I get close to someone? (emotions are confusing, basically....)

Dirtclustit 11-12-2013 02:12 AM

one of "the ones"
of course you can love many, sex is not the most involved way to be a part of a person's life. However you feel relationships and their exact dynamics leave you content is how it is. I would be careful defining how your relationship dynamic works by contrasting it with someone else's ideas.

Some people have a one and only, and some people have several ones that they feel are their "onlys" and however it works for you is the way it works. The problem with defining your relationships to not be what works for someone if you make it a point to let every one of your partners know that they definitely are not one of your "ones".

Most people don't like being made to feel that they are not special, and if one of your girlfriends doesn't like being made to feel not special, you might want to focus on how much they mean to you rather than focusing on the fact that they are not any more important than some random person.

And don't ever treat them worse then some random person (for example some people read through their lovers email without their permission, if it would piss off some stranger to read their private email and then post trying to "teach" them lessons, don't do it to your girlfriends or metamours without their permission) Some people like being fucked, some people like more loving enter actions

In a perfect world, a well adjusted partner won't ever need you treating them special ever, and they will understand you love them just as much as some random person. But realistically people like to be treated like they matter, which unfortunately means like they matter most.

So remember there is a world of difference between feeling just as important as your metamour and feeling second most important. If you find yourself behaving in ways that teach them they aren't any more important than someone else as opposed to showing each of them they are important, your might want to rethink your strategy or get advice from someone else because those are two different things completely -- even though the difference is extremely subtle and technically just semantics -- things could go south fast.

I wouldn't be too worried over whether or not you fucked up, things always seem magnified when they are happening it's not unusual for break ups to feel like a mistake. Years from now with the benefit of hindsight, you may even feel lucky that you aren't still in the relationship or friendship with that person. Sometimes relationships can be poisonous due to the dynamic of no boundaries and lack of respect, sometimes even from those you aren't directly connected to, but indirectly connected through her. Poly dynamics are like that sometimes

LondonGuy 11-12-2013 02:16 AM


Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
The idea of "one true love" is very compelling
See I'm still pretty new to this so I'm probably only half a step ahead of you in my thinking here... however 6 months ago I probably would have agreed completely.

What I have learned is that I am very possessive and protective over the relationship I have with someone, but that doesn't mean I need to be possessive over the person themselves. It just means I value what I have with them.

What's more is I've come to realise those partners can be more fulfilled by their multiple relationships than if they were just with me. That's not a bad thing either and I shouldn't look at it as a negative on me!! They choose to stay with me because they value the unique qualities which I bring to them.

I'm not saying it's easy to settle into this lifestyle, it forces you (and your partner(s)) to question everything society has ever told you and relearn what you personally want from life. But for me - it fits!!

EDIT - Just to answer your second question - I know lots of people actually dislike the pressure of wanting to meet all of one persons needs, I guess this is possibly what was being referred to?

LovingRadiance 11-12-2013 02:37 AM

Definitely can be that much support-and more-if it's managed in a manner that promotes that.
I have two deeply committed, full-time, live in relationships. We are raising a family together.
When I was hospitalized-both were at my side.
We're a family. Not-I'm dating multiple people in different places and can't get "as close" to any as you are describing.

Norwegianpoly 11-14-2013 12:36 AM

The point of love to me is to treat and be treated as a special person. That is true in friendships, but even more so in a comitted sexual/romantic relationship. I am in a V, I want my two boys to treat my like their "beautiful woman" :D and make me feel really, really special. If I did not have that there would be no point at all. I don't like the version of poly where you have lots of people that you date/fuck/love, that would not work for me. to me, poly is as comitted and safe as mono if not more! :p

Magdlyn 11-14-2013 12:56 AM

I'm in a committed relationship with another woman, with whom I share a house. I also have a bf who is married to another woman, but I see him several times a week. Yes, it's just as warm and yummy as when I was in a mono marriage, only better, because I never really felt mono deep inside. I always wanted more variety than that one man.

Being poly ain't easy though, and I would say, especially since you must be very young and still getting to know yourself. Plus, there's no rush to get into another deep relationship now, when you're still not over your ex and comparing everyone you meet to her.

Have fun, get to know people, have lots of sex and adventures. Know thyself, ask hard questions, be courageous, if you feel jealousy, learn to deal with it.

Dagferi 11-14-2013 01:44 AM

I love both my guys very much and deeply.

For the first time in my life my life feels filled.

My the one happens to be two very special men

Hmm 11-14-2013 03:18 AM

I'm really pleasantly surprised about the support and sense of happiness and camaraderie in the posts I've read. I've had a very, very rough weekend and this is nice and reassuring to hear from everyone. Alas, I've decided if poly has to keep me from my ex, then I'd gladly give up that opportunity. I am still young and for my age, especially so, it feels like. It's a godsend that after the breakup, my ex and I still agreed to be best friends and are willing to make an effort to talk this out. I'm a mess of a man, but am doing my best keeping it together right now. I feel like a pathetic, spineless little jellyfish but am counting my blessings and taking one step at a time, staying positive and keeping cool. I could try and make objective judgments about us where I put ourselves down, but I'm not going to. This is how it's going to be, damn it, it feels right and I can't deny it. Today, right now, the structure of the relationship I couldn't give a damn about, she's the one. Maybe, maybe, not counting on it, but perhaps someday in our improved confidence and trust this kind of discussion can emerge. But I'm not going to get ahead of myself. I want to spend my days thankful I have any of her at all, and not take the love I have for granted, ever if I can.

Thank you all for your caring, genuine responses. I appreciate them all.

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