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-   -   Attachment Styles & poly differences (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63224)

LovingRadiance 11-10-2013 07:16 PM

Attachment Styles & poly differences
 
Several posters have commented that they found this blog post very enlightening and helpful in seeing a broader picture, understanding people who are not like them etc.

So I figured I would share it, in it's own thread for more people to reference and comment on.

I find it helpful in understanding that the bottom line is-we are all different. There are aspects to each others lives we simply don't understand, can't understand (especially on a message board). These differences affect how we carry on relationships, how we are CAPABLE of carrying on relationships.

Not all people are capable of living the Hub style poly.
Not all people are capable of living the Family style poly.
Not all people are capable of living the Mono lifestyle.
Etc.

http://much-ado.livejournal.com/2367604.html

london 11-10-2013 07:40 PM

Quote:

I became aware of a growing trend among the "popular" poly writers to adopt what was coming across to me, at least, as a kind of dismissiveness or denigrative attitude toward those people in the poly community who apparently aren't doin' it right: the people who do need hierarchy or who do need security based in rules and predictable expectations because trust (for whatever reason) isn't solid enough or communications practices aren't robust enough, to more fluidly and gracefully adapt-on-the-fly to the inevitable relational issues that pop up no matter what kind of relationships we h
This sums it up, for me. You see, when you tell someone that you feel a certain configuration like a closed triad or a family style dynamic raises "lack of trust/insecurity/fear based controlling rules" red flags, they become defensive. I totally understand why a lot of people need these type of things and, as the author acknowledges, it is because "trust isn't solid enough" and I dont always think that it is always an unfounded lack of trust but it exists all the same. We all know the risks of getting involved with someone in one or more existing relationships that lack trust and the like, so I don't understand why there would be surprise that people are wary of poly networks where the are signs that a lack of trust exists.

Dirtclustit 11-11-2013 12:57 PM

wasn't this the article mentioned
 
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=59389

SNeacail 11-11-2013 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 246119)
This sums it up, for me. You see, when you tell someone that you feel a certain configuration like a closed triad or a family style dynamic raises "lack of trust/insecurity/fear based controlling rules" red flags, they become defensive. I totally understand why a lot of people need these type of things and, as the author acknowledges, it is because "trust isn't solid enough" and I dont always think that it is always an unfounded lack of trust but it exists all the same. We all know the risks of getting involved with someone in one or more existing relationships that lack trust and the like, so I don't understand why there would be surprise that people are wary of poly networks where the are signs that a lack of trust exists.

The need for a "family dynamic" does NOT stem from a lack of trust. It usually stems from an existing life! Not everyone likes keeping their relationships separate from their family, as it takes away from their family. I find it sad that London make a point of putting people down who don't like or have the time and energy to keep all their relationships completely separate form each other. Must be nice to live London's life, where all partners can communicate extraordinarily effectively and have complete trust in each other in all aspects - they must have some special mind reading ability.

london 11-11-2013 06:26 PM

Raising red flags doesn't mean that it definitely exists, it means that there is a warning sign it might. But yeah, me and any partners I've had believe in trust unless proven otherwise.

northhome 11-11-2013 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 246362)
Not everyone likes keeping their relationships separate from their family, as it takes away from their family.

Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.

london 11-11-2013 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by northhome (Post 246370)
Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.

And honestly, the kid thing is another thing for me. I'm very aware that my lifestyle choices impact on my son and try to minimise that at all costs. I try to uphold the same standards for other people's kids as I do my own. Eg. I dont do dates coming round after bedtime and wouldn't go around to a guys house whilst his kid is in bed. It doesn't matter if it's a norm for him. It's just not something I endorse.

LovingRadiance 11-11-2013 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by northhome (Post 246370)
Exactly. Personally I like the extended family model, and it works for us. Sort of.

Turns out that not all the children want the extended family, but that's another story.

Not all of our children do either. :) of the 3 who are out of the house now, only one prefers that model. But that is A-ok. The other two have a lot less contact, primarily via fb.
But-the people who want to be involved more than peripherally know exactly where to find everyone. :)

LovingRadiance 11-11-2013 09:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dirtclustit (Post 246296)

Yes. Why do you ask? I did link it, in both places... Did the link not show up?

northhome 11-11-2013 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 246405)
But - the people who want to be involved more than peripherally know exactly where to find everyone. :)

Good point. We don't hide who we are, but we don't push it either. We simply act as if it's "normal", and that in itself gives a level of security even to those who are not comfortable with the situation.

If nothing else, they know exactly where they have us (and who to call if need be).


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