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-   -   Love Language: Gifts (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6314)

Lemondrop 02-04-2011 09:33 PM

Love Language: Gifts
I could use a little bit of brainstorming if anyone is willing. Asha seems to be feeling unloved, to the point where she's pushing us away. The best I can figure, without actually having the ability to see her in person, is that we've not been speaking her love language enough lately, which is gifts. Now, Easy and I are riding that poverty line, and we can't afford a heck of a lot. We typically do a lot of acts of service, and it's not so easy to think of gifts that we can afford with everything else we've got going on. Asha wants to go away for Valentine's weekend, which means we have to save our spare cash to make that happen for us--it's not horribly expensive, we just don't have a lot of extra.

So, if people are willing, can you help me think of some things we can give Asha to make her feel more loved? I can crochet, I can sew (but hate it), I'm going to do some china painting for her but it takes a while to complete (weeks). I'm a little worried that if I make it, though, that she won't feel like Easy loves her, just me. Kudos for me, but I don't want him hurt because I'm crafty and he's not. So, ideas? Please? Anything, even if you think it sounds stupid, might spark an idea in my head. Thank you in advance.

redpepper 02-04-2011 10:22 PM

Acts of service are sometimes a gift no? Depends on how they are seen. I see them as a gift sometimes, depending. I see massages, coffee given to me in bed, time to sit and watch the birds at the feeder when I could be naking supper as gifts because they are nit usual. Doing dishes, sweeping, doing lunches are all acts of service to me. There are differences because one is needing to happen by someone and the other is extra.

SNeacail 02-04-2011 10:36 PM

Homemade decadent gifts (ice cream toppings, deserts, etc)
Dinner in a box, waiting for her when she gets home
Something special just for her

Accompany the gift with a card that says that you were thinking about her the entire time you were making whatever it is.

Lemondrop 02-04-2011 10:45 PM

The problem is that I don't think the acts of service are being seen as gifts. Easy makes breakfast for everyone every Sunday--when we're there. We don't all live together, so household chores are more something we do when we're there. :/ I will get everyone to sit down and talk, but the soonest that we can do it is tomorrow evening, and I'm feeling like Asha doesn't feel valued at the moment, and I'd like to do something to alleviate that sooner than tomorrow.

I like the massage idea, though. Easy is good at giving massages, and it's something he can do. And now that I think about it, they haven't had an awful lot of dedicated time together lately--it's all been family time.

Coffee is Sunday's realm, and thank you for that reminder that it's an act of service that he performs for me as well.

Asha and Sunday live in a different house, 30 miles away, so dinner in a box would be difficult to achieve, in addition to the fact that it would have to be dinner for the entire family. But, I'll put it on the list because Easy might have an idea about what to do in that regard...he likes to cook, and he might have an idea of something he can do just for her that won't leave the rest of her family out.

SNeacail 02-04-2011 10:52 PM

Just a card (especially if the words come from you or Easy) with a single balloon or flower.

I'm not a "gift person", but just a simple text that says "I miss you", "Thinking of you", or "I love you" can make all the difference in my day.

Rarechild 02-04-2011 11:00 PM

I wouldn't go crazy overdoing this gift thing in terms of money or time you don't have. I understand the love language idea, and love gifts, don't get me wrong, but they must be freely and joyfully given to be emotionally fulfilling. Like everything.

I actually tend to get annoyed with gifts when they're given for a serious "reason".

A letter in which you speak your heart is an amazing gift. I like origami too when pressed for $ and feeling crafty. There's tons of awesome how-tos on youtube.

I am guessing there is more to the pulling away than not having received enough gifts lately, though. Possibly she needs to push away a minute to feel loved all on her own without needing the gifts.

(random observer disclaimer)

Lemondrop 02-05-2011 12:22 AM

@SNeacail--I like the card idea. I know that she spends a ridiculous amount of time picking Valentine's cards because they have to say the right thing. (I'm feeling smug because I already went against my natural inclination to run away from mush screaming and found one that was simple but said what an amazing woman I think she is.) Cards are going on the list.

@Rarechild--well, I hate feeling helpless, so at the very least, if I don't accomplish anything else, I can build a list of low-cost or no-cost things to do when I/Easy/we want to show Asha some love. It's entirely possible that she just needed some time alone, and I'm willing to give her that. We will work very hard on not giving more than we have--one of the lessons we're working on for ourselves (we both need to learn this) is making priorities and setting reasonable boundaries on our time, energy, and money. :)

SNeacail 02-05-2011 12:26 AM


Originally Posted by Lemondrop (Post 64844)
I'm feeling smug because I already went against my natural inclination to run away from mush screaming

HeHe, I'm glad I'm not the only one that does this :). My husband loves picking out cards and he is also very good at writing mush, me not so much.

alwaysdancing 02-05-2011 12:29 AM

One of my favorite (cheaper!) gifts is a photo in a frame. I've gotten some nice ones at the dollar store, and you can glitz or personalize them yourself for an added touch.For the photo itself, it could be anything! I generally go with a photo of myself and the person I'm gifting it too, or a group of friends, or occasionally a piece of art of landscape I'd know they'd appreciate.

My other standby is goodies! Depending on the eating habits of the person you're gifting, you can make sweets or something savory.
Sweets, I'd recommend: http://www.kraftrecipes.com/recipes/...les-95085.aspx
You can make these with pretty much ANY kind of sandwich cookies. I like to use Newman's Own brand, the chocolate cream kind, because they are organic and taste amazing. I'll also swap out half the cream cheese for some of the cheesecake filling you can buy in the store now.
After you've made some, pick up some cute wrapping thing. People that like "gifts", I've found, are more about the experience of being given something unknown and unwrapping it, then just being given an object. After all, how lame a gift would it be if someone just handed you a gift card?

Best of luck!

LovingRadiance 02-05-2011 01:07 AM

I found a poem that said what I felt for Maca and copied it on special paper-then framed it-gave it to Maca.
That's something Easy could do.
Or create (printer?) gift certificates for special date nights.

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