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-   -   Need help getting started (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=63006)

geminigirl69 11-08-2013 06:39 PM

Need help getting started
 
I have been seeing a guy for the last year and a half and he has been in a 7 year relationship with another girl who has been living with him for the past 4 years. I know about her but she does not know about me. We want to involve her and introduce the idea of polyamory to her. What is the best way for us to introduce the idea to her since she is unaware of us and the whole idea?

Dagferi 11-08-2013 07:23 PM

This has unethical written all over it.

Why have you been the other woman for 18 months. How would you feel if you were her?

PolyinPractice 11-08-2013 08:12 PM

Warnings
 
Be prepared to ask for a lot of forgiveness from her. He's been cheating with you, which is a bad place to start poly. But very possible, lots of people have done so. Still, a core of poly is trust. .... and you and he have a lot to do to rebuild that.

Also be prepared for her to make him choose between you and him. Given the guilt he's likely to feel, he may very well cut you out of his life.

geminigirl69 11-08-2013 08:22 PM

We know it will be challenging as any introduction to polyamory I'm sure is. Especially for those who are not familiar. Though we have not been up front and honest with her from the beginning it is our full intention to be truthful going forward.

Dagferi 11-08-2013 08:24 PM

You should have been honest from day one.

geminigirl69 11-08-2013 08:30 PM

I understand that I do. It was never intended for our relationship to progress the way it did or to start out with dishonesty. There were several times that things were going to end because of the situation. I was just recently introduced to the idea and concept of polyamory and am looking forward to embracing it. I love him and he loves her and I both so what better way to enjoy life than to all be together. Isn't that the idea? Just looking for helpful ways to go about it.

Dagferi 11-08-2013 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geminigirl69 (Post 245684)
I understand that I do. It was never intended for our relationship to progress the way it did or to start out with dishonesty. There were several times that things were going to end because of the situation. I was just recently introduced to the idea and concept of polyamory and am looking forward to embracing it. I love him and he loves her and I both so what better way to enjoy life than to all be together. Isn't that the idea? Just looking for helpful ways to go about it.

Ummm.... Polyamory is based upon ETHICAL non monogamy. Not banging your friends boyfriend then saying hey why don't we have a threesome or triad

No my husbands don't do anything together except holidays and kid events. There's no threesomes no group sex.. They do not love each other or etc.

I love it when people want others to forgive their cheating by trying to lessen the blow by saying but oh I am poly so I couldn't help myself. No you are a CHEATER.

Before I ever started down this path. There was honesty and discussion between Butch and I a long time before I dated anyone else. Murf knew from the get go that I was in a relationship with Butch and what our situation was. He was then able to make a informed choice for himself not get blind sided.

Being poly does not equal being promiscuous.

westVan 11-08-2013 08:47 PM

Other
 
I know you hope that she accepts that has gone on for the last year and a half and moves towards being with you both, but have you thought of what your prepared to do if she says no, shes not interested and wants him to end it with you? will you keep seeing him behind her back?
will you be able to end it gracefully with him because that is what she needs? will you stop seeing each other while she rebuilds her relationship with him and learns to trust him again before opening up to poly?
what if she ends it with him and askes him to leave? what plan have you come up with to that end?
this isnt going to easy but I wish you luck.

geminigirl69 11-08-2013 08:55 PM

She is not a friend of mine. I have met her and hung out with the same group of friends less than a hand full of times but I'm not sleeping with my friends boyfriend. We are not using poly as an excuse. We haven't even been poly before. This is a brand new concept. We want to be truthful and that's why we are looking for the best way to go about it. We want to turn this into a positive experience for everyone involved. I'm just looking for helpful advice moving forward. I can't change the past.

geminigirl69 11-08-2013 09:02 PM

I am trying to stay very positive however those are good questions to consider. I have thought about a couple of them and we have discussed it a little. I just don't want to get too clouded on the non accepting part. When I first heard of the idea of poly I thought it was the craziest thing I had ever heard of and wanted nothing to do with it. After it was explained to me and I watched how happy couples were and all the benefits it was a huge eye opener.


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