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phoenix522 08-12-2009 10:46 PM

Hello one and all,
I'm not real sure today if a poly lifestyle is what is going to work for me or not. Of course, feedback is always welcome but I have some issues to work out in my own mind.

Here's the deal, wife found a boyfriend last November. He dumped her in January and she came clean to me about it. (She had no idea I knew about the affair)

Now here we are in August with an understanding that we are free to do as we want. I have a wonderful new girlfriend and wife is back with the guy she originally cheated on me with. It gets better!

Her boyfriend is married and cheating on his wife with my wife! She cannot see him more than two nights a week and they don't get to do anything together like dinner or dancing. She has openly admitted to me that she is very jealous of my relationship with my girlfriend because she's single and has her own place. We go do things together both sexually and non-sexually so wife isn't happy because she can't do those same things with boyfriend.

Now here is the delima I am facing. I promised she could live here until she is out of school and has a job. Two years minimum. I made this promise before I had girlfriend, I had feelings of worthlessness and figured I'd die a lonely old man so what the heck? I was also holding on to the last threads of a failed marriage.

Wife said last time we talked that she wanted five or six years because, "I really like the house". This is no reason to stay married in my mind. We do things together but we are more friends who share a bed more than anything else.

When I tried to gauge our relationship, I mentioned sex and she said that her body was no longer mine to play with and I could not touch.

I know sex doesn't make a relationship but dammit it does help to show that we do love one another and it is affection and more. I get all the sex I want from girlfriend but when I'm paying the bills, mortgage, tuition, etc. while wife goes to school, I just want to chuck her out on her @$$.

Now I'm wondering, if she and I can work out an understanding on the issue of sex, if maybe a poly lifestyle might suite us better. She's been cheating on me off and on since we were first married. It has, however, been with guys that she has known for a long time, old boyfriends, etc. so I know it isn't a sexual thing so much as an attempt to relive her past failed relationships.

Now that we are both dating, our marriage is actually improving. She treats me better than ever before but again, the whole sex thing needs to be worked out. (or, am I way out in left field?)

Thanks for taking the time to listen and again, I can't stop you from voicing your opinions! (nor would I want to)

AutumnalTone 08-13-2009 12:27 AM

Welcome to the boards.

It sounds to me that your marriage is broken and not likely to be fixable. Your wife isn't expanding her life by adding a boyfriend--she's replacing you by having a boyfriend. That her boyfriend is married and cheating on his wife means she can't run off with him and simply leave you, so it appears she's wanting to use you for basic support until she can support herself (or she thinks thel boyfriend will leave his wife).

You can try counseling. The whole "hands off" thing suggests that won't do much good, though. If it were me, I'd visit my attorney and file for divorce.

River 08-13-2009 03:51 PM


I pretty much agree with SeventhCrow on this ... mainly because your post provides ever so little reason to believe that you love her -- or that she loves you.

Sex is no substitue for real love and affection. Sex with these is great! But sex without them is ... ho-hum.

Was there real love between the two of you at one time?

Rarechild 08-13-2009 04:06 PM

man, it sounds like you're really getting shafted here. 5 years of keeping someone financially when she has repeatedly taken advantage and told you hands-off sounds like a prison sentence.

What do you get out of this? Your needs are the most important thing for you to evaluate as you make this decision. What you have described is not poly- just sounds like you're being scammed.

I suggest you erase her manipulative ideas from your mind and think about what you would like to see happen in your own life. If you don't think she will love you and help you get there, then you are holding yourself back from the opportunity for happiness outside this confusing relationship.

I have been guilty of cheating and lying myself- so I'm not on my high horse about that- but if there is no desire to make amends, work through it, and find happiness together- connection, deepening of love, true concern for one another's well being and growth- than it's just time to move on, and believe that if you do the right thing for yourself, others will do right by you.

foxflame88 08-14-2009 01:49 AM

I also think it sounds like time to file for divorce. She is using you for financial support and nothing more.

Mark1npt 08-14-2009 05:19 PM

If she's cheated on you right from the start of the marriage, something is very askew here. Why has she cheated? Maybe she never loved you in the first place? Was this a marriage of convenience at the time? How old are you both now?
I love solving problems that no one else can, it's my forte. While I would personally divorce her in a NY minute, rather than hang with her for 5 more years, maybe there's more here than we know and maybe it's salvageable for you two?

Who knows? Sounds like you two have some figuring out to do.....

MonoVCPHG 08-14-2009 06:13 PM

You don't even have a relationship to lose IMO. This is not a poly situation in any way. You are being used. You both need to move on and out.
What has kept you there this long I wonder.
Take care.

redpepper 08-14-2009 09:24 PM

Everyone so far has given great advice and I agree with all of it. If I were you I would say this to her,

"sweetheart, I'm changing the locks tomorrow so you better get what you need and leave. I will be filing for divorce as soon as possible and will not support you one moment longer. Tonight you can sleep on the couch and I will have the bed. Further more I suggest that you take a long hard look at your relationships with people as I think your cheating ways will catch up with you and you will die a bitter old woman who has never given in order to receive love."

I would take the time to be sure you know what your rights are before hand and be very sure you are ready as she sounds like a fighter who figures the world owes her something.

I am sorry you have experienced this kind of abuse, it is abuse to me, but you had a part to play in letting her walk all over you. Don't do it again! No one should ever let anyone for one second feel they aren't worthy of love and respect. Once started on that path it is hard to come back from it.

Make sure that this next woman treats you with respect and that you do the same. If she doesn't then get out fast. You will be sad, but it is so worth what it does to your self esteem. Hopefully you will see that as you blind side your wife and upturn the hurtful, self centered, selfish, cruel and self righteous world she has been living in.

I would love to be there to smack her up side the head personally, not to mention the man she calls hers and has the gaul to call her boyfriend. What is that? It degrades the word! It discusts me to no end the pain people cause one another. Really it does!

XYZ123 08-14-2009 10:28 PM

It just sounds like you're being used. She is going to get everything she can from you for as long as you'll give it to her, or until she finds someone else to actually move on to fully. Not only do you no longer have what I'd consider a marriage, but she is destroying her bf's marriage as well with cheating rather than honesty with his wife. Poly is about love, trust, honesty, and mutual respect for needs/desires. She doesn't seem to know what "mutual" means. Please don't put yourself through this any longer.

Quath 08-15-2009 02:23 AM

It sounds like she has moved the relationship from lovers to roommates. You are trying to see if it can move back to being lovers.

I think you should decide if you enjoy her as a friend and as a roommate. If so, is it worth supporting her? If it is, then maybe long term, it could turn back into lovers again. But it doesn't really sound like this would be good for you. She cheated on you before and it doesn't really sound like she has changed. So you would have a hard time trusting her.

I think she is just biding her time until she find another relationship to go to. I have been in a similar circumstance. However, I was ok giving money to help my ex-girlfriend move out and be with her new boyfriend. I even gave her $500 a month for half a year to help out. I still cared for her, but we were not getting along.

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