Triads, Unicorns, Unicorn Hunters, sexual 3somes, etc
Due to a closed thread... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=59714
...starting a new one.
We get lots and lots of people here, couples looking for a unicorn, self styled Unicorns looking for couples. Sometimes it's 2 gay men looking for another guy, sometimes it's lesbians looking for another woman, but usually it's a bi woman/straight guy couple looking for a bi woman, or a bi woman looking for a couple consisting of a bi woman and straight guy.
Usually these unicorns and unicorn hunters want 3way sex. They think 3way sex is hot and they do not see its pitfalls. Maybe they've swung before and found 3way sex hot, and now want to add "feelings" to the mix.
So, they often jump into bed in short order. All 3 of them. Maybe the couple even thinks all the sex they have with their shared gf will be with just the 3 of them. Maybe, just maybe, eventually, they will allow one on one sex for their unicorn.
Then when they start threads here, they get piled on with negative comments from other poly here who, single or coupled, date and (usually) have sex one on one. Feelings get hurt.
Then they complain, mods get involved, threads get locked, infractions get handed out behind the scenes.
And the next day, another couple of unicorn hunters join the board and it all repeats. Or a unicorn posts, how her new couple won't do one on one sex, dates, even texts and she's hurt, and can't bond with her partners individually, she ends up feeling like a toy to spice up their relationship. And she is commiserated with, by former unicorns who had been in her shoes, by former unicorn hunters (like myself) who feel guilty for being stupid in the past and, basically, having used a woman as a sex toy in the past for their own benefit.
So the former post was my overview of the problem here. There are a couple regulars who always defend triads, and there is confusion about triads growing organically as opposed to being forced, as a prescribed "box" for a unicorn to fit in.
I hope we can discuss this, use this space for venting for those of us who are tired of the same old issues with forced triads and unicorn hunting that we see day after day.
Triads, an established couple looking for a single woman for a poly fidelitous 3way, we all share sex together thing, is NOT the only way to do poly. Why do so many people think that is THE way to do poly? It's odd, really.
This is why I despise the Showtime/sensationalist stuff - it only reinforces this hawt3waysex stereotype. I personally don't want more of this type of "awareness". It just makes things more difficult when all I want is a damned relationship with the guy.
I have no problem with triads/quads/etc. Find them to be the most stable relationship structure, even more so than monogamy (I know four is supposed to be the "most" stable number, at least in numerology, not sure where it comes from, really). So a quad would be the most stable? Maybe? Not important.
I do think that so many couples do group relationships very poorly, which makes it all the more frustrating for those of us who very much consider the needs of all involved.
People assume triad is the only configuration for a polyamorus relationship because that is all that gets exposure in the media. The showtime show has just reinforced that stereotype.
When people find out my true relationship status one of the first things people assume is we must all sleep together. Do everything together and are quite shocked that nothing of the sort happens. They assume my life is full of drama and etc. They seem disappointed when they find out otherwise. I have a rather boring life. I divide my life equally between two homes. I cook, clean, and make household decisions in both.
I don't have a problem with triads. I have a problem with people trying to force anyone into a box to meet their needs at the expense of the other persons needs. Couples looking for their third seem especially guilty.
Being in something that's starting to look like a triad (three couples within a group of 3 people...) and also part of what I call an N (long distance relationship with a married woman), I suppose I could talk about either side of this conversation.
So far, the replies here say "I have nothing against triads," which I believe. At the same time, in the contentious/closed threads, people who write in talking about their personal circumstances (say, starting married and perhaps opening things up in small steps, or enjoying being with couples because they like the dynamic of joining something established) and get pounced on with questions that others seem to not get asked. Have you thought of THIS, have you considered THAT, and so on. Many of the questions imply that the member of the couple or the person joining a couple is a dumb-ass, or self-centered, or rude to the others in the relationship, or lacking in the wisdom that is this forum. Which may be true. Yeah, people opening up don't know what people who have lived this way for a while know. But the pouncing is what looks different.
But I don't want to make too big a deal of it. Someone just posted about the distinction between family-style and hub-and-spoke style poly, and the critiques that both sides get. Maybe it's just that more family-style attempts at triad life are showing up here, and people don't typically write in or seek advice when they're looking for a V? Or Z/N/longer chain? I don't know.
Whatever the case may be, I know that it's been really helpful to have people's perspectives from when their relationships have worked - no matter what kinds of relationships they have! I come here to celebrate success and learn from it, and I don't care if that's about triads or not.
Don't know if this response helps, but those are my thoughts on the issue, for now.
And the terminology they use just bugs me, it all seems so very....objectifying.
"Looking for our third/ our girl/our special Unicorn" To share/enjoy/add to our relationship/marriage. Sometimes it is cringeworthy....at least it is to me and then I have to stand back and realise....wait...most of these people have not been exposed to the same amount of stuff I have. To them it is entirely new, entirely reasonable and in some cases hot, sexy and/or romantic...
Like the couple who were 'Looking for their "Other half" No need to mention the Math Fail there.....
Or the handful or so of single men who turn up both here and other places looking for two bisexual women specifically..... It is so pervasive because it is supposed to be so fulfilling but most of those people have never done it.
And out of those who have, it is almost entirely the OR (original couple) who want to give it another go...because the first Unicorn was "not right for us" but the next one will be perfect. Because, of course it just needs to be the "right people" and we know what we are doing, we have thought of all the variables and we know it will be hard but we are in no rush to find exactly what we want.....
It is so..repetitive.
I don't blame Showtime because, let's face it, this was a problem before that show came about, it is Porn. The threesome in porn is such a staple, especially the FMF threesome, with all eyes focused on penis at the end...why else the single men looking for it if not for this pornified ideal? It's not like there is a bisexual wife to satisfy is there?
I think the reason the male-female couple with a bisexual gf thing is the most, I don't know, socially acceptable? triad formation is because, sadly, the world is dominated by hetero men. In the gaze of the Old White Male, it's ok for a female to sleep with another female but not another male, its ok for a woman to be bi, but not a man.
Sometimes the couple/gf triad occurs organically,and sometimes, yes, people seek it out. A couple seeking a girlfriend is no less ridiculous than a single woman with kids seeking out a single man of a certain age and income bracket who will love her kids and has qualities like good sense of humor and must love dogs...Will she get exactly that guy, and even if she does, will he be the right guy for her? Who knows. They say the universe gives us what we need, not what we want. Relationships take on a life of their own, and those couple/gf triads either fall apart or evolve, just like any relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous.
But why wouldn't people on this forum, especially those who have gone through it on one side or the other, not want to help these people in this situation? No one gets frustrated dealing with the same issues over and over again from mono partners dealing with jealousy for their poly partners, or people trying to move from cheating to polyamory. Why not show the couple/gf triads the same empathy and compassion? They're at a place in their journey.
As for the labels, they bug me. "Unicorn hunters" and "swingers" are looked down on, who gets to decide this? I remember when I first came on the boards, I described the woman I was sleeping with outside of my marriage as my "mistress. " People on the board promptly "corrected" me. "She's your girlfriend," (well, no, she wanted no responsibility or attachment.) "Call her your paramour." (What is this, Versailles circa 1809?)
We all come here because we want relationship advice for the kind of relationships we likely didn't ever see growing up. We are all trying to figure out how to make this work for us, and have more love/sex/passion/companionship in our lives. Let's embrace the full spectrum of that.
The thing that really, truly makes me feel sick is when a straight woman is trying to make herself bi and force herself to feel sexually and romantically towards a woman.
LB... People with all sorts of configurations get called on their shit all the time.
Gorgeouskitten got called on the the carpet on her jealousy at the prospect that her ND wanted to date someone else.
I have been called on the carpet about an issue with my husband Butch and his getting involved with a couple.
There are many many more if you look.
I have a problem with anyone applying rules to someone rises relationships without the effected party getting a say. For an example a wife or husband saying no overnights with the gf or bf or you can only spend x amount of time with so and so cause I say so. I call these people on issues too.
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