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-   -   It's a thing! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62686)

Triskelle 11-05-2013 05:25 AM

It's a thing!
My husband recently came to me after seeing an article on polyamory and said "hey! It's a thing!" (Meaning this shared love thing he and I and my boyfriend are doing.) I started surfing and found this forum. So so glad I did.

My husband and I have been married 17 years and have 3 sons (16,10,6) We have always had a complicated sex life. I felt so much guilt for YEARS for not being able to surrender to him sexually. I wanted him to have a fulfilling sex life. I went as far as to suggest that he might find another woman to play with.

Then 2 years ago, completely by suprise, it was ME that fell in love with another man. I was complety twitterpated and after 20 years of feeling sexually dysfuntional and even frigid at times, my sex came back to me! I shared my journey with my husband and we have weathered many discussions about jealousy. He has amazed me with his capacity to see nuance where others see none.

So now we three in this V are finding our way. Carefully and Lovingly. There are a few hitches I hope this forum might help me overcome...

1. My wonderful generous husband is having no sex :-( He and I may work it out, but I can never go back to sex the way it was.

2. We have casually talked about having my boyfriend move in. It would be heavenly (for me) to have all my loved ones under the same roof. And there are undeniable benefits to communal living. We could finally fix the bathroom sink, for example ;-)

How do other families navigate this? Who sleeps where? And with whom?

Thank You for being here!

PolyinPractice 11-05-2013 05:31 AM

Curious.....supposing your boyfriend fell in love with another woman, maybe even wanted to get married? Would you be okay with his girlfriend/wife living in the same house? It's tricky having someone move in. .... hard to draw back from that one. ... just be sure it's what you really want.

Triskelle 11-05-2013 05:48 AM

Well so far both my husband and bf identify as mono so I haven't considered that option.. But I will add it to the things we must discuss. Realistically cohabitation would be at least a year away which gives us lots of planning time. I love to escape to my bf's apartment, but I do miss my kids horribly when they don't come along.

(And of course as soon as I posted my post I found a wonderful thread where Redpepper addresses all of this.)

InfinitePossibility 11-05-2013 07:44 AM

So - so far your husband identifies as mono. You won't have sex with him because you don't like the sort of sex that he likes. For the moment, he's celibate by choice?

Is sex just not important to him? Or are you and he waiting until your kids are older before he finds a mono girlfriend of his own and you and he shift your relationship to one of friendship? Or are things just not clear yet?

Wishing you all luck.


Dirtclustit 11-05-2013 10:09 AM

Might be moving a little fast
but I think the best plans for cohabitation are to build. What families do is put several dwellings on one plot. Several taller two story square footage space efficient dwellings can be built to replace any square footage hogging ranch style home if zoning allows.

I have scene some very well designed multi family properties, and not that I have experience blending families, but having more than one dwelling would allow for better separation of space. Things don't have to be going sour to enjoy quiet time off by yourself. In fact it makes more functional sense to me even if you aren't blending families.

How many mono marriages wouldn't have ended in divorce if there had been just a second dwelling for an activity space to for kids of for the adults of any household

Phy 11-05-2013 10:21 AM

For some, moving fast works, for some not. We moved really fast, after everyone was aware that I loved my husband and my boyfriend and moved in together after some months. It worked really well for 2+ years by now and isn't likely to change any time soon ;)

Our journey is on here as well, if you like to have a look (see signature - blog). As you three are already talking, just keep at it. Find out what everyone wants and is comfortable with and you will find the best solution :)

Good luck and welcome to the forum.

Triskelle 11-05-2013 05:59 PM

Well yes, my husband identifies as mono, but I think he could explore girlfriends eventually. He and I are not sexually compatible. We aren't waiting for anything specific really. He has a lot to think about. We have found our life to be much different than we had envisioned.

Dstone 11-05-2013 10:58 PM


Originally Posted by Triskelle (Post 245079)
Well yes, my husband identifies as mono, but I think he could explore girlfriends eventually. He and I are not sexually compatible. We aren't waiting for anything specific really. He has a lot to think about. We have found our life to be much different than we had envisioned.

If he is mono, and you encourage him finding a GF, that's one thing, but what if he falls in love with that GF and decides he wants her to move in as poly?,...I know this is not your situation, but my past is similar,...I was not sexually compatible with my ex, never had sex after the first couple tries, never really 'Connected' in that way, although I am a very lovingly-sexual, cuddly kinda guy. We were actually autonomous room-mates and we actually only married for insurance purposes (bad idea BTW). She encouraged me to find a love one. In the end, when I did find the love of my life, she was excitingly happy for me, but it soon turned ugly. Not because she loved me, not out of jealousy, but simply because she thought she never had to work, or find another place to live again, the rest of her life. She became rotten, vindictive, and even went as far as telling all our neighbours that I had a purchased a Internet slut buy-a-bride. All my neighbours still hate me. I can only be thankful that she was honest to the judge that divorced us about our actual autonomous arrangement, otherwise she probably would have taken me for everything.

My question to you is,...Since it sounds like you aren't 100% compatible with your husband, but you do have children and an OK life together. What would you do, and/or would you hold him back from who he might become to someone else if he does find someone more compatible? Would you be willing to cohabitate with her in this same way?...Watching her move in,...Him love her in front of you?,...The sound of Passionate sex, as you walk by that closed door?

Your first post states that you are asking exactly this of him,...but what if it went the other way in the future as well?

LovingRadiance 11-05-2013 11:59 PM

My boyfriend, husband, and I live together with our kids.
I can't imagine typing out an answer that would be concrete enough to describe accurately right now. But on this board, there is a blog page-and I have a blog on there that explains a lot (as do many other people). ;)

Since things are going ok, and you are curious about long term plans, but not seeking solutions to immediate problems (which is AWESOME!) I woudl HIGHLY suggest checking out the blogs section. You will find a lot of concrete examples of situations that arise in various circumstances and how different people resolve them. There are so many possible solutions to the myriad "problems" that can crop up in any type of relationship; it would probably be more beneficial to dig through there, where you can decide which people seem to be most like what you guys are and may have the best examples of how to work through whatever arises. :)

Congrats on making progress together!

kdt26417 11-06-2013 08:14 AM

Hi Triskelle,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like you're giving things some time and not rushing into anything, which is wise. I'm a little concerned about your husband's currently-celibate state, but I suppose that's for him to work out if you know you're not sexually compatible with him (and can't be).

I'm in an MFM V (basically the same set-up you have) and we all live under one roof. Each of the guys has their own bedroom. I have an attached bath (which is a lifesaver for me). The lady of the household basically alternates (from day to day) which bedroom she'll sleep in.

She and the "other guy" don't have much sex, but some. She and I make a point of having sex once a week, which really works for the (unhurried) speed of our libidos. We have polyfidelitous rules (no sex outside our three person circle, and if we ever add a fourth person it'll be a mighty slow, careful process), but your V may be a little more easygoing about adding people and what can be done on dates. It's all about what works for you.

I hope things go well for the three of you and that having your boyfriend move in will prove to be good for everybody. Please keep us posted and ask us any questions you have along the way.

Kevin T.

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