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-   -   Adjusting to a new change (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6263)

dub1h 02-03-2011 04:36 AM

Adjusting to a new change
 
My girlfriend has recently started dating a second guy, pretty soon into our relationship (maybe known her for about 3 months when they started). There is a new change that is occurring now, which is that I won't get to chance to spend the night with her this week. I haven't asked, but if anyone does it will be the other guy (and I feel like it'd be rude to ask and actually know for sure).

I've sort of gotten into a mental space where I am okay with whatever happens, and don't feel jealous, but I feel some sort of emotion I can't quite put my finger on.

Maybe I'm not completely over my insecurities...changing yourself is hard. I want to be happy no matter how much or how little I see her, but is that really a way to live?

redpepper 02-03-2011 05:48 AM

Maybe its that you don't know. Why not just ask? In my poly life everything is above board. Everyone knows where I am, how long I will be there and when I will be with them. That way there are no expectations, no assumptions and everyone can rest easy that the time will come that I will see them again. Part of poly is the honesty and consideration (empathy) component... is she lacking in these departments?

dub1h 02-03-2011 06:06 AM

I hate to say it but kind of. She's really great at being caring and kind, but when it comes to the polyamorous aspect of the whole relationship, she just gets worried and chooses to not tell me certain things rather than be upfront. Like to get information about her dates with the other guy, I kind of have to ask when I think she might not be telling me.

We had a discussion and now she knows I want to know when she is seeing him, so we'll see how this pans out. I just feel like she may not take polyamory as a change in perspective that takes a kind of serious approach...I think she feels polyamorous, but hasn't yet shifted her entire stance on what that really entails when forming a relationship.

I sound overly critical, but that is how I see things...I guess I'm willing to play the waiting game and let her change at her own pace.

Sometimes I get feelings that I am in something that isn't for me, but I really like her a lot. I feel terrible to even THINK that thought, but it occurs to me.....could this be a bad sign?:(

Derbylicious 02-03-2011 08:20 PM

I'd encourage you to ask. I don't always ask enough questions and earlier this week that caught up with me. It's always better to know what's going on than to let things slide.

dub1h 02-11-2011 11:23 PM

Well... things are still going with everyone, but not without a hitch. It's like every time the other spends time with the girl, there is a bout of jealousy that we have to deal with and get under control. Seems like every single time...

So I had a discussion with her today about how everything is going (I woke up this morning feeling very jealous, thinking of HIM waking up with her while I was home alone....insecurity. Why SHOULDN'T i feel great waking up alone!?)
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another. Maybe it could be an exercise in conquering our insecurities. How would I feel SEEING him kiss her in front of me, rather than THINKING about him kissing her when she is out seeing him?

A bit of a rant, but I'd like to get a perspective on the whole meeting idea. I feel like it could be beneficial, but there are also risks of us really being uncomfortable, or hating each other, or ruining the relationship with the girl.

nycindie 02-11-2011 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 66034)
We talked for a while, and thought about the idea of all three of us meeting for the first time. We thought this might put a face on the phantoms that the we two males have become to one another.

Oh! You might want to read TruckerPete's blog. Some of the stuff she writes about there could be very relevant to you, especially where she talks about bringing her two men together to meet.

dub1h 02-12-2011 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 66038)
Oh! You might want to read TruckerPete's blog. Some of the stuff she writes about there could be very relevant to you, especially where she talks about bringing her two men together to meet.

wow thank you so much. This is a great successful version of what's going on. And it seems Indigo, the husband is dealing with jealousy too! It's not like it's unheard of to have issues with this whole process. Thanks for the link

dub1h 02-15-2011 10:05 PM

Oh man. So what do you do when you are in a poly relationship with the other guy really not being very conducive to a poly relationship to begin with? I'm trying my hardest to adapt and quell the jealousy inside me, but I can only go so far on my own. It sucks to feel like you're at the mercy of the other party, and that they aren't really willing to be invested in this fully. And it sucks even more to feel like the only way through this is by leaving it completely behind. I think I will gird my patience for one last chance, and see what happens. It's just very taxing emotionally.

I'm going to hope for some light to appear at the end of the tunnel soon. If not, I'm going to have to just leave it as a painful lesson learned.

Sorry to just vent here. I hope it's okay to share my frustration/difficulty with this new experience. I want things to work, I really do. It's just like that question one is faced with, that only the self can answer, "is this worth it?" And I guess this is the first relationship I've ever really had so it's so tough to know the answer in my heart of hearts.

Poly without everyone on the same page and open to communication = DIFFICULT!!!!

River 02-15-2011 11:00 PM

I had to go rummaging 'round to find out what the deal is with you, Dub. Here's some of what I found. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...04&postcount=4 I don't think you have a Personal Summary. (Was that what I called it?) But folks might find that helpful to catch up with you without having to search through all your posts.

Are you clear about what you'd like to have with this gal? Does she know what that is? Is she okay with that? Is she unwilling to talk about it? What's up?

River 02-15-2011 11:22 PM

This source says Friends With Benefits (FWB) isn't about feelings. And so it's not really about "friends" at all -- since friends do have feelings for one another.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...+with+benefits

See: "fuckbuddy".

Also see:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friends_with_benefits


===

I looked at other www.google.com hits on "Friends With Benefits" and they say stuff like ... "no strings attached" ... "no chocolate, no roses" .... It's all about SEX.

Sex is a powerful human drive, no doubt about it -- but if we want friends, real friends, they aren't going to be FWB. And if we want our friend also to be our lover, in the TRUE sense of that word, there has got to be some real loving with the sexing!


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