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-   -   Monos Who Claim to be Poly - Why Do I Care? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62504)

Arius 11-02-2013 07:20 PM

Monos Who Claim to be Poly - Why Do I Care?
I keep bumping into people who use the term "polyamorous" as if it is synonymous with 1950s - style dating. They seem to think that it means dating a bunch of people casually until they end up in a "real" / "serious" relationship, and then they become monogamous.

This really irritates me, but I have no idea why. I don't own the word polyamory. Their relationships generally having nothing to do with me - although I have been burned twice before when I started building a relationship with one of these "polyamorous" folks and then they went mono with someone else. (This has taught me to have conversations with people about what polyamory means to them.)

Maybe I am invested in the term after all. I work really hard to challenge conventional scripts and unlearn jealousy, I risked coming out to my family, etc. Perhaps I feel that I've earned the right to use the term "polyamorous" and it annoys me when people who haven't done that work use that word so lightly. I don't know.

Has anybody else experienced this? Does anybody else feel that same anger? Does anybody know why?

bookbug 11-02-2013 09:23 PM

Perhaps you are instead angry at the miscommunication that occurs due to incorrect use of the term? Words represent specific things, actions, and concepts. When one uses a term incorrectly, such as polyamory, it leads to thoughts and action based on the assumption that an idea is being communicated accurately. I can see being annoyed by this with the situations you described.

That said, I often find myself annoyed when inaccurate communication of any kind occurs - not just that which concerns the use of the term polyamory.

In any case, there are so many ways to practice polyamory, it probably would behoove all new acquaintances to take the time to spell out his or her particular version.

LovingRadiance 11-03-2013 03:17 AM

Yes. I have had that struggle.

Also-Redpepper had a thread on here about the "different types of poly" and her issues with it. That was a few years ago-and I suck at searching. But I know it existed.

I find myself very frustrated with people using any term to mean something that is not what I understand it to be *if they don't specify their alternative chosen meaning*.

Now-that said, I try to understand in myself that this is a controlling attitude. So I try to manage myself and not allow myself to hold others accountable to my definitions. But my natural instinct is frustration.

Inyourendo 11-03-2013 03:18 AM

I think sometimes poly people get wrapped up in nre and just want to focus on that one person. Im poly but I haven't been with anyone else inn over 2 years. Not for not trying though can't find anyone that I want to spend time with.

crackedpleasures 11-03-2013 04:19 AM

I had a big problem with this years ago when my husband and I were mono-poly because so many people who were simply cheating were attempting to ID as mono-poly. *sigh* Words mean things.

london 11-03-2013 06:59 AM

It might be because you don't want people to think that's what you are doing.

Spock 11-19-2013 10:13 PM

As I am thinking this through, there is really little difference between mono and poly except mono are poly in time (one partner at a time) where poly can be mono in space (dedicated to multiple partners in different places since it is physically impossible to be two places at once, or for two people to be in the same space as once).

Then there is the quantum aspect where you share time and space the closer the members of a poly family are at any one time.

Okay, I'm done being flippant.

Having now been married for nearly 9 years, even had I identified as poly (or my wife) I don't think either of us would have had the time nor energy to have been so, given how much work it is to create one single relationship, ours, to the quality we wanted to.

There's phrase in the tech industry I think applies; More wood behind fewer arrows.

No matter how many poly relationships you want, you are always going to be limited by time and energy. On top of that you have the long, intricate, delicate, and time consuming process of forging the relationship. If you are lucky you 'work out' perfectly with very little effort, and so both of the time and energy for more relationships.

Statistics work against you, however, because each additional relationship is unlikely to be as perfect. I distinctly recall 'loving' multiple girls as a teen, and later a young adult, but didn't think I could manage multiple relationships even a year ago, especially a year ago, after having the experience of being married to my wife for so long.

Norwegianpoly 11-20-2013 01:19 AM

There is not neccesarily a bridge between mono and poly. I don't neccesarily think that I would HAVE to live poly - I lived mono quite happily for years. Then I happend to really fall this this guy after had met my husband and then I discovered that I liked the idea of having two men. I know some people who have transitioned from having multiple partners to having just one, I don't really think that is neccesarily any different from going, let's say from dating just girls to dating boys (been there, too). Sometimes life pulls you in a different direction. That is not to say your life before was not meaningful. But then again, folks tend to regard whatever relationship(s) they are having at any given time as the best, and therefore downplaying the value of the past.

Cheating is of course not poly.

Poly comes in many shapes and sizes. I think polyfidelity comes closest to what I consider my thing

PatG 11-22-2013 02:55 PM

Words (often) mean things.

Words (often) mean different things to different people, and different contexts.

Presuming that the OP is primarily concered about smooth potential relationships , rather than primarily being a Vocabulary Activist , he already answered his own question. Have discussion about "what to you think of as (whatever) ? " .

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