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-   -   Newbies looking for a triad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62425)

Misticbleu 11-02-2013 12:08 AM

Newbies looking for a triad
 
Hello!
Just a little intro and background on us. We are a married m/f couple, been married almost 3 years and together 6. We have two children ages 17 and 13, mine from a previous relationship obviously :)

We have been swingers since meeting but are now searching out more. We have had many, detailed conversations about wht we both want and having another woman in our relationship, our life and what it all means. We're moving forward with the search even though we have no idea where to start!!! We are educated, live in Central PA, just bought a house and love starting projects and renovating things in the house to make it 'ours'.
We like to go out, dance, have some drinks and just let loose. Road trips are FUN! I, the female am more outgoing, funny and crazy.. lol He is more reserved, quiet and a thinker :) The best match!

I'm enjoying the boards here and we are learning lots! Thanks for having this here for Newbies to read and learn!

Peace & Love,

Bleu- me

kdt26417 11-02-2013 05:55 AM

Greetings Bleu,
Welcome to our forum.

Keep looking around on our various threads and boards, see what interests you, and post sometimes with your thoughts, questions, or concerns. At some point you might want to check out our Dating & Friendships subforum.

And just to be safe, invest a bit of time the excellent article on unicorn hunting we often recommend. Just things you should know so that when you find the right woman for you, you'll be able to welcome her into your lives in the most loving way possible.

Sounds like you are a fun couple and a good match. I wish you the very best in your search and learnings.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

PolyinPractice 11-02-2013 06:04 PM

Best of luck
 
Wish you the best. However, be warned that you are going to get a LOT of flak. I'm sure you aren't like this, but there are a lot of couples who treat additions to the relationship very poorly.

I'd suggest you read up on some bad experiences from other "unicorns," so as to be able to reassure any potential when she brings up worries and concerns (things like, If the wife/husband gets jealous, will I get kicked out? Will I have to love both equally and at the same rate? Will I be forbidden from having other relationships, especially when ours is still new?).

:)

Misticbleu 11-02-2013 07:25 PM

Thank you KDT, we will def have to read up on that and check out the subforum :)
PolyinPractice, thanks for the heads up and advice.. Having been in the 'lifestyle' of swining that is, we are very aware of the flak couples get. Too be honest I'm not all to fond of the term 'unicorn' but understand the mysterical significance of it.

We aren't looking for a 'third' for us or a 'third' wheel. Looking for someone to BE with us in all aspects. I can imagine there are going to be issues, hurt feelings and MANY things we will have to navigate through. Def not naive.

Thanks again for any advice. We welcome it all!!

Much happiness

Misticbleu

Magdlyn 11-02-2013 09:21 PM

Welcome.

Most polyamorous people in couples do not dates as a unit, did you know that? Finding a "third" to "share" or "add" hardly ever works out. You 2 have a longstanding relationship. This hypothetical woman would have a big learning curve. You two already have couple privileges in place. History. House. Kids. In-laws, nieces, nephews, etc.

Would she be allowed to date and have sex with each of you separately or only 3somes? Or is one on one bonding time allowed?

Some couples don't even want their third to text or email one of the partners individually.

Would your woman be able to express affection in public with either of you? Would she be able to go to family events, or work parties? Be introduced as your girlfriend?

What if she also has a partner already in place, or another couple? Could you share her with them the way she has to share you with your partner? Or is she expected to be single and then immediately fidelitous?

Can she be a mother? Can she have her own kids, or get pregnant by the man of your unit?

And it goes on... Again, being poly does not mean being a couple that shares one woman.

By the way, it is against our user guidelines for a couple to share an account. The least that is expected is for the poster to identify themselves when posting. Is one of you Mistic and the other Bleu?

kdt26417 11-03-2013 04:45 AM

Be sure to give all the above questions a think ... so as not to stumble into the trap of "privileged original couple plus a 'hot bi babe' to 'complete us.'" Stay right on top of the new person's wants/needs as well.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Magdlyn 11-03-2013 02:06 PM

Here is the ever popular article by David Noble, "So somebody called you a unicorn hunter." A must read for newly poly couples. Wish it had been available back in 1999 when my ex-h and I first made the mistake of getting into poly by searching for our HBB (hot bi babe). Which was a disaster.

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/

Misticbleu 11-03-2013 07:57 PM

underdog
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 244524)
Welcome.

Most polyamorous people in couples do not dates as a unit, did you know that? Finding a "third" to "share" or "add" hardly ever works out. You 2 have a longstanding relationship. This hypothetical woman would have a big learning curve. You two already have couple privileges in place. History. House. Kids. In-laws, nieces, nephews, etc.

Would she be allowed to date and have sex with each of you separately or only 3somes? Or is one on one bonding time allowed?

Some couples don't even want their third to text or email one of the partners individually.

Would your woman be able to express affection in public with either of you? Would she be able to go to family events, or work parties? Be introduced as your girlfriend?

What if she also has a partner already in place, or another couple? Could you share her with them the way she has to share you with your partner? Or is she expected to be single and then immediately fidelitous?

Can she be a mother? Can she have her own kids, or get pregnant by the man of your unit?

And it goes on... Again, being poly does not mean being a couple that shares one woman.

By the way, it is against our user guidelines for a couple to share an account. The least that is expected is for the poster to identify themselves when posting. Is one of you Mistic and the other Bleu?


Thanks again for all the advice and since you posted a list of questions... I'm assuming you want me to answer I will try and get to them now. First I would like to say that I ( the female ) am Misticbleu. Both Mistic and Bleu are mine together. We aren't sharing an account.

As we have discussed and already knew how difficult it would be finding that ONE person that would fit into Our already established life and home, we have opened it up for both of us to date separately.
We are not only interested in 3somes ( been there ) and at first would like to keep it the three of us together for sexual encounters since it's all new and we're discovering each other but ultimately our goal is to be separate when the need or want arises for everyone involved. Sexually and for One on One bonding time.
He's free as I am to text and email whom we please.. as long as we communicate what we are doing and to whom. I don't go through his phone and have never felt the need too, nor does he mine.
Yes, she would be able to express affection in public, I don't see why not and would really find it ridiculous to ask her not too. Do I want hands up skirts and tongues down throats while we're shopping in Giant for apples?? Uhhh no, but hugging, holding hands, kissing being affectionate, of course.
Our 'idea' of what we think would work best for us ( not knowing this other person yet or what they would want) is a Poly-Fi Triad. Are we stuck on that, NO.
Can she be a mother, sure. Meaning previous kids. We have two girls 17 and 13 now from my previous relationship. Will she have children with my husband? NO. Do I? NO. He has a genetic connective tissue disorder that we are not willing to chance passing it on. That was an easy question.
We have never thought about Poly as in US sharing a woman. She's not Our Toy nor do we expect her to be or act that way. We've shared woman before... it was purely sexual. That's not what we are looking for currently.
Will she be able to attend functions or family events. Sure. We have discussed this as well. My husband and I are already fairly open with our family. My family knows all to well I live my life how I choose and that's fine with them. I asked my husband about telling his family when we needed too and have a relationship with someone else and he agrees not to keep it a secret. Of course we're not naive in thinking talking about it and the reality of are different, but we'll surely cross that road when we come to it. That being said we have no plans to live in the closet. We don't now.

I hope I made it through the fire fairly unscathed...
Thanks again for your advice, direction and pointers :)

Misticbleu


Misticbleu - bi female
Drexel - my husband

Misticbleu 11-03-2013 07:59 PM

Will also say sorry about the confusion on the name. I did not realize in my original post I shortened my name to Bleu when signing giving confusion. The name is Misticbleu... Bleu for short.


Thanks!

Misticbleu

kdt26417 11-03-2013 08:28 PM

Those all sound like pretty good answers to the questions to me. :)

Sounds to me like you have a pretty sensible visual of how the future might be, and are willing to be flexible to the unique needs of the special person you'll hopefully someday soon meet. If there's anything we can do to help with your search or whatever, let us know.

As Magdlyn indicated, often people's "unicorn concerns" stem from their own "school of hard knocks" lessons, and they just want to help ensure you can have an easier/smoother road to travel. But as far as I can tell, you'll probably be fine.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.


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