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-   -   Newbie -- need some advice!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=62184)

Drummerboy74 10-30-2013 09:59 PM

Newbie -- need some advice!!
Hey everyone -- newbie to this site, and this subject in general. This posting is gonna be pretty lengthy, but I am just looking for some general advice. Here goes:

I am a 39 year old gay male, legally married to my 37 year old husband. We have been together for 15 years now -- married for 7 of those. We own a great little house on the water in Southeastern MA, and we really have a great life. We get along really well most of the time, and love each other very much. Still have sex about once a week (on average -- sometimes more, sometimes less), which I hear is pretty decent for a couple that has been together that long. Ha. Our families/friends are a huge part of our lives, and we are the luckiest people alive as they have 100%, fully accepted us and love us. As a matter of fact, we've never had one issue with being gay from anyone. We're just a couple of regular guys, really.

He and I know with 100% certainty that neither of us has cheated on the other. Our relationship is not 'open', but we do have a third over sometimes. We only play together. Over the last 5 years, we've had quite a few -- maybe every 2 to 3 months (though we have done this as far back as 13 years ago). We've never really had a bad experience, or at least never had any crazies. Most of these guy were younger (20-28 generally) and most ended up spending the night - usually with breakfast the following morning. We both feel that the "screw and leave" thing was a bit too informal to us and generally enjoyed the company of this new person. There were a few of these young men that stood out above the rest, and were people we could see being friendly with. Well, we recently met this 23 year old guy that lives about an hour away from us. He is not out yet, has a good new job, he is very cute, and he had only been with one guy before meeting my hubby and I. He had every opportunity to meet people, but had never gone through with it. He wanted to meet us because we actually had a conversation with him instead of the "you looking??" responses you get from a lot of the guys online (which is how we met). Also, he found us both very attractive, and got a good vibe from us.

We've since had this guy over 3 out of the past 5 weekends, and again in a couple of weeks. We've gone out to sports bars, had beers, took our small boat out, went hiking -- all together. Laying in bed with these two handsome guys is unbelievably hot to me. We've had some pretty passionate sex together, to be honest. There is something about the dynamic of the 3 of us that is really exciting to me. I love hanging out as a trio, I love seeing my hubby interacting with him, and the goofing around between the 3 of us. I know there is an age difference here, but it truly doesn't seem like it when we hang out - in any way. He's a mature 23 (or we are an immature 39/37). Ha. And I know he likes us, and loves hanging out with us. It just kinda clicks well.

All of this (finally) brings me to my question. Is this normal?? I know my hubby has really little to no interest in having a "boyfriend". He's called our new friend more of a "friend with benefits" kind of relationship. He has a much easier time with keeping sex and emotions separate than I do, anyways. He doesn't want to lead this guy on at all, and I know that this young man is really new to this whole thing anyways. But the thought of the 3 of us together, even once in a while, is very exciting to me. I think I've come to realize after hanging out with our new friend that I wasn't necessarily looking for random hookups when we played with a third, but a potential "boyfriend" of sorts -- or some one person that we could have a sort of relationship with, as strange and illogical as that seems to me - or whatever you want to call it. Am I a jerk for feeling this way?? Am I poly? I've always found monogamy to be unnatural and not all that realistic (though I know it works for some). Should I just kinda let this play out for a while? Is this completely ridiculous? I sorta feel almost guilty for feeling this way. Not sure how I would even discuss this with my hubby. Any advice or input on this, without judging? :)

Thank you for reading.

GalaGirl 10-30-2013 10:47 PM

Yes, you are normal. There is nothing new under the sun. ;)

To me? In my vocab? You are married and have a BF you and husband hang out with and share sex with.
  • Your hubby is happiest calling him a "friend with benefits" and doesn't seem to want to make any further commitment. He could be polysexual and monoamorous. (share sex with more than one, but love only one -- you.)
  • You seem to want to call him "BF" and possible have more commitment -- even if just the change in name for how you refer to him.
  • You are also dealing in emotional management with your feelings about you practicing an open relationship model and the fact that you find you can love both these people and share sex with both. (Polysexual and polyamorous. Share sex with more than one, love more than one.) I don't know if love theory helps give you more "love words" to describe what love you have for each.
  • What does the BF person want to be called and be recognized as? Does the BF want to date other people at some point or is the BF happy with you two? How does the BF describe self? For certain polysexual since he's sharing sex with both of you. What is his "amorous" -- monoamorous or polyamorous?
  • Last -- are all 3 ok with however it is each of the 3 identify as at this time?

Could talk to these people about what's on your mind to sort it out the stuff above out so that you can relax about the BF's place in your life. Also relax that all is out in the open and everyone understands each other and where each one is at.

Could sit down and talk to yourself about your emotions over discovering that you can love more than one. Could ask either/both for support as you do that internal work.

But other than that? It seems like it is working out fine. Again -- you are normal and there's nothing new under the sun.


london 10-31-2013 11:25 AM

The only problem I see is if your husband and/or the other guy isn't happy with him in a boyfriend role with you. I think you need to see how the guy feels and if he feels the same as you, see how your husband feels about you taking this to the next level. I think its super important you don't put any pressure on your husbands relationship with the guy to change.

Magdlyn 10-31-2013 12:13 PM

So, I guess it's pretty common for gay men in committed relationships (even when married) to have casual NSA sex with others from time to time? Do you have any gay male friends who also play like this? Have you talked to them about what happens when you fall in love with your fuck buddy?

Here in poly land, where we can be male, female, trans, poly, mono partnered with a poly, bi, gay, straight, pansexual, we usually call having casual NSA sex "swinging." In that configuration, steps are taken to NOT become emotionally attached, and love is a bad word.

You and your h did not take steps to prevent emotional attachment to another. Spending the night, having breakfast, hanging out and enjoying friendly non-sexual time of chatting or going out on a date of sorts, easily leads to love.

Love is not a dirty word! Love is beautiful. Now, some couples who "share" a "third" seem to think this love should be equal between all 3, as if both members of the couple are clones of each other. Of course, this is not the case. Your new "bf" might be more interested in YOU emotionally, but just kinda like and lust for your h.

Think long and hard how this will work out. Will your h be jealous? Will the bf be jealous? Jealousy is not something to be avoided in poly relationships, but faced and worked through until "compersion" (happiness for your partner when they are in love with another) develops.

Keep in mind, in triads, there are several relationships. You and bf, you and husband, husband and bf, and all 3 of you together. Is 2way sex allowed? Are you allowed to go out on a date with just bf? Is your h allowed to go out with bf just the 2 of them? All things need to be discussed and worked out. This takes time, and patience, and courage.

It is important to stop thinking of you and your h as "we," in this case, since he and you both have different views of what new guy means to you. To your h, he's a friend with benefits. To you, he's boyfriend material. And that's OK! You're individuals, with your own tastes and preferences. There's no need to force you to think like your h, or for him to share your views exactly. :)

Drummerboy74 10-31-2013 12:56 PM

Thanks for your replies!! I really have no interest in having this guy as a separate "boyfriend". My interest lies only with US as a three person unit of some sort. And I am under no illusions - I know this guy is young, has very limited experience, etc. Still, when the 3 of us have spent time together, it ha been very, very enjoyable. But I am also aware that my hubby isn't really interested in having a "boyfriend". He has problems with labels, I think. Ha. He def wants to limit emotional attachment because I think he's both not very interested in it, and also feels it's odd and not 'right'. So I guess I am just seeking some advice and maybe an outside person to tell me what is going on here? I'm ok with just letting things go where they go. It's WAY too early to call him anything, anyways. Thanks again for listening.

GalaGirl 10-31-2013 01:26 PM


He def wants to limit emotional attachment because I think he's both not very interested in it, and also feels it's odd and not 'right'.
So why is hubby engaging in this behavior and going against his own grain? :confused:

You think is not you KNOW. Have you asked him if he's going against his own grain?


So I guess I am just seeking some advice and maybe an outside person to tell me what is going on here?
  • BF -- no data given.
  • DH -- possibly going against his own limits and engaging in behavior he's not really into and isn't "right."
  • You -- Crushing hard, wanting more clarity and reassurance this is all ok with all the other players in the group and you aren't weird for being in a 3 people thing.

Could your crush be coloring your POV? Because hubby going against his own grain doesn't sound like "everything is awesome" as first described.

That still points to the same advice I gave before -- you all could talk, and get on the same page for what it is you have here and what you can expect from each other and what it is you each want/need/have as boundaries.

We could guess til the cows come home, but the answers are within your group. Could go talk to your people and sort it out.

I am sorry you feel confused. :( But it's on you to sort it out and ask your people for the clarity/reassurance you seem to need.


Drummerboy74 10-31-2013 01:37 PM

Ok, let me clarify a bit. The "bf" truly likes both of us equally. There is no favoritism at all. I think he LIKES the fact that we're a committed married couple. He met us because he was attracted to both. He keeps in touch with us regularly by text. Nothing deep or personal, just "shooting the shit" and what not. I don't know what his expectations are in this, but I DO know he loves being with us. As for my hubby, he is def not having him over against his will. He enjoys spending time with this guy - he's said so. I just don't think that he wants an emotional relationship. He said (at one point) "He's a friend with benefits" that we have over and hang out with. So maybe I should be cool with this? This guy wants to go skiing with us in Jan and wants to take us up to a lodge in NH for a weekend. I would love this, and I think my hubby wants to as well, but will prob say "I think he's getting too attached to us" - which I like, but he is afraid of.

Magdlyn 10-31-2013 01:56 PM

Well with this added info, you're heading for trouble with your husband, if you don't sort things out.

I, personally, think fucking without emotions is way less fun that fucking someone you are deeply fond of, or love. Why keep another divine human being at arm's length? Why feel one's own emotions are "wrong?" Feelings are feelings. I know many men will do almost anything to avoid acknowledging their feelings though! Feelings are for girls and sissies. Fucking is what MEN do!

This is the 21st century. I think men are allowed to feel now.

Labels aren't important.

I don't get the whole couple dating a single thing. From either end. But that's just me. My bf would love to have a deeper sexual relationship with my gf, but she's resistant to the idea, and keeps him as just a friend. (We had 3way sex a few times over a year ago, but it hasn't happened again.) I'd be down with more 3way sex, but I'm not seeking it. So, each of us in this V have slightly different views, and we are fine with it.

BTW, the age difference doesn't bother me. My gf is 22 years younger than me. We have a ton in common, and on the other hand, love learning about each others' age group culture.

I know queers of any gender can be very anti-polyamory, and I always find that a strange wall to hit. You're already queer/gay. Why be against the other alternative sex/love culture of polyamory? Why all the pearl clutching and judgment?

GalaGirl 10-31-2013 04:50 PM

You seem hesitant to have the conversations with your people that could start with this:


I want to talk about what we have and what it could be. I would love to build toward a polyship with 3 people -- a triad. Or, a "V" with me as the shared hinge person. Explore what other love there could be here -- romantic love, consummate love, etc.

What do you guys want it to be? Could you be willing and able to explore that conversation with me?

Or are you happy with what it is -- friends who sometimes share sex but nothing beyond companion/friend type love? So I could know and I could begin to let go of the want for it to be more than that? Could you be willing and able to tell me where you stand?
What stops you from up front communication with your people so you can gain the clarity you seek?


Drummerboy74 10-31-2013 05:24 PM

Thanks again everyone for giving your 2 cents and opinions. It is greatly appreciated. The thing that is really stopping me from asking these questions to both of them (especially my hubby) is that I think it may be too early for it. Like I said, we have only had him overnight 3 times (with a 4th time coming up in a couple of weeks). Maybe after that it'd be something to consider. I also feel that I'd be convincing my hubby to give this a try, when I know that it isn't what he wants. Obviously, there's an issue there. The things I DO know however, are that he IS attracted to this guy and he def DOES like hanging and spending time with him. He does feel affection towards him when we have sex too. My hubby and I have always kinda differed on our views of monogamy. I personally think it is unnatural. He agrees to a point, but is much more close minded when it comes to thinking "outside the box". My best bet at the point is to prob just see how it goes from here on out, naturally and organically. Thoughts?

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