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-   -   Opinions please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6210)

BaconWrappedCupcakes 02-02-2011 01:27 AM

Opinions please
 
Ok I am mono. I met my partner who is poly. I am fine with this. Really I promise :) However recently (we've been seeing each other for about 6 months) his gf would like to meet me. She is poly, has been for a long time, and is actually very nice. I knew from the very beginning they were together, and have respected that, so it wasn't an issue. I didn't ask about them and frankly expected the same.

I don't want to meet her. Not because I don't like her (we spoke in early stages of this relationship), but I feel blind sided almost. I'm not poly, I don't want to be poly. I have never asked him to be mono with only me. Up until this point I didn't even bring her up. I almost feel like I'm being forced to be ok with this meeting.

Ugh I don't know. I'm trying to be open minded about things. I feel like it will be harder for me to handle if say I see them kiss or embrace I don't know this is all new and I don't feel like I am being heard when I express my concerns.

brainfreezy 02-02-2011 01:43 AM

Disclaimer: I'm hella new at this, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Shooting from the hip, I think you have every right not to meet her, but only if he gets that. Being that you don't think your voice is being heard, you and the bf need to talk again, because there is a hitch somewhere in your communication together. Assuming you told him that you like the V the way that it is, I think he has to respect your wishes.

From his perspective, I would imagine that he's happy with her and wants to share that with you. Its only natural for him to want the two loves in his life to be friends, especially if she wants to meet you too! It almost seems rude to deny meeting someone that enthusiastically wants to get to know you, so you'll need to reassert that it is nothing against her personally, just that you're not comfortable with that (and may never be).

I'm guessing that having the PDA shoved in your face is different in a V than in a triad, especially since you're mono and she is poly and is probably more comfortable with it. Ultimately I would talk with the bf again and ask him to please cancel the meeting and respect your boundaries. You may be okay with it in the future, but for right now you feel blindsided, especially after having expressed your wishes.

By the way: flawless screenname. :)

bella123456 02-02-2011 02:08 AM

I've been in a situation similar...except it was me that wanted to meet (also at about the 6 month mark), and his 2 year gf didn't want to meet me.

The reason I wanted to meet her was because I wanted to know she was ok, I really felt I needed to sit with her face to face to be able to feel she was ok with things, and with my relationship with him progressing & continuing...

So, her wanting to meet you is very likely coming from a positive place. At the 6 month mark in your relationship with him, see's probably starting to see you as part of his life, and she's interested in his life - and therefore you :)

I probably wouldn't have felt comfortable seeing them being affectionate initially...no, not at that early point, so had we had the chance to meet I would have discussed that prior to the meeting.

Do you think communicating with her via email or letter to get an idea of where she's coming from may help ? perhaps it may break the ice...

If the communication regarding the potential meeting is coming from him - It's a bit difficult to assess her tone...She's more than likely very warm and considerate of how you may be feeling.

And you are trying to be open minded - good for you !

You're not poly and that's fine but you'll need to deal with poly type issues and dynamics as you are dating a poly person.
Talking about how you are trying to be open minded and you find the idea of meeting a bit scary and confronting is great...I hope you begin to feel heard !

nycindie 02-02-2011 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BaconWrappedCupcakes (Post 64381)
I almost feel like I'm being forced to be ok with this meeting.

Well, I hope they didn't just set it up already and expect you to be there!

Just keep expressing your reservation about it and ask for time to process the request. Make it clear that you're uncomfortable with it not because you're a cowgirl or anything like that, but because it's just not in your mono makeup to have such a meeting and see him being affectionate with someone else.

Maybe you'll be willing to meet her someday, maybe not, but I don't think you should feel coerced into doing something before you are ready.

MonoVCPHG 02-02-2011 02:46 AM

I'm all for partners meeting when there is depth forming and any sense of commitment to multiple relationships but....

I wonder if there is any consideration for the "bursting bubble potential" forcing a meeting might cause. I'm not saying this is the case but if the boat isn't rocking, perhaps it might be better to stay in calm seas.

What happens if a new vision of your reality crashes down when you see her? Is he prepared for the possible negatives of you meeting?

It might be very hard for them both to understand that this could be a negative event for you because perhaps they are caught up in poly-euphoria that won't be shared by a mono person.

What sounds like closeness, fun and exciting to them could be the exact opposite for you. You need to express yourself firmly.

All this being said...are you living in a bubble? I'm not judging..bubbles look really fucking tempting sometimes LOL!

LovingRadiance 02-02-2011 02:56 AM

I'm poly-so take this with a grain of salt. ;)

But-you say that SHE wants to meet you. You didn't say that THEY wanted to meet with you.

I understand not being up to seeing the affection. No problem.


But-why can't you meet HER alone for coffee/tea whatever?

Furthermore-it sounds as though you are unsure why she wants to meet. Why not call her and ask her directly, tell her honestly that you are nervous about "rocking the boat" and that you totally want to respect her position and whatever in his life. That in light of the nervousness-you wanted to just ask her yourself what she's hoping for in meeting...........

BaconWrappedCupcakes 02-02-2011 03:00 AM

I don't think I am living in a bubble, lol. I knew for 5 months they were seeing each other. In the last month she has been app very forward about HAVING to meet me.

I, as a submissive, have tried to hear, Dom out yet he has said "it's really not that big of a deal". to me it is.

I want to do this 'for me' but I feel like if I do it will completely ruined everything we had.

LovingRadiance 02-02-2011 03:04 AM

NO disrespect here, seriously just looking to understand more clearly in case I do have a good suggestion...


Why do you feel that it would be a bad thing to meet her?

MonoVCPHG 02-02-2011 03:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BaconWrappedCupcakes (Post 64406)

I want to do this 'for me' but I feel like if I do it will completely ruined everything we had.

Explain the risks...make sure everyone accepts the possible consequences and don't make any definite promises about your response. In theory we can handle almost anything..put that to the test and often emotion over-rides choice, logic and reason.

LovingRadiance 02-02-2011 03:05 AM

(I'm a switch. Submissive in one relationship and Dominant in the other. I understand the difficulty of having differing opinions on something so serious to oneself from your Dom.)


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