Open relationship, no sexual attraction from one part
Hello everybody. I will try to keep my long story short:
Met this guy I went crazy in love with. He is definitely my type, in all senses, plus (this is important) he is a long time leatherman which is something I have been attracted since my teens (I'm 26, he is 51) and had decided I wanted to explore after ending my previous, 5 years vanilla relationship.
Everything went fine and we started dating. There was just one thing. First times while having sex he would not cum. Then later he would not even look for sex. He was definitely not wanting to share his kinky side with me. After four months in the relationship, sex if ever existed was trying to make me cum without him even having an erection. I did not want to put pressure on him because I know how harsh can be on a man to have your sex capability questioned.
On the other hand, he was actually having some weird reactions with me: he was kind of a cold person sometimes, was very protective of his cellphone and intimacy and would for example not want to sleep with me after 7 days without seeing each other because "he was tired" (we live in separate houses).
First crash: i'm not dumb so i assumed he was cheating. And i wanted to explore an open relationship. So i proposed him that and he was relieved and happy. He just told me he did not want to know anything and I told him I wanted to know everything. He just told me he had played while being with me but we decided we should not discuss events before that conversation.
Second crash: after several months (4?) he was apparently not having sex with anybody. I have asked him, nothing, he says he was having no sex. But there were too many signs around telling me that was not truth. So i did something awful, in front of him when he asked me to help him downloading an app on his phone, i checked his whatsapp and found not one, but at least the last 4 conversations were with guys agreeing to meet and fuck with him. I fought back, told him about it, he said it was just a mental trip, not sex, just the desire of meeting people online. If they would ask for sex he would stop them there. The stupid thing is... He did not have to stop them! It is an open-relationship! But then he told me that.
Third crash: my mind kept running for some more months under these doubts, especially because sex among us was almost non existent. To make it clear, in one year and a half of relationship I have seen him cumming 3 times. That started becoming an issue so one day I exploded and told him I was getting depressed by all this and I wanted to know the whole truth of what was going on in our relationship. After some hard talking he confessed to me I was not the kind of guy that gets him horny. He even confessed he knew that from the first day we met. I was destroyed by this. He said it was not my looks but the fact I'm not as confident and free in bed as other guys with more experience. He said he believes that might change some day. Then I realized this was a hell of a place to be, felt totally humilliated, self-esteem to the ground. He then started crying, apparently so sad. He loves me, he said. Seemed truth to me. In fact, he acts in a lot of ways like he would love me. Decided it to give a try, after all we were in an open relationship so if we were not sexually compatible we could both look elsewhere without giving up the love we felt for each other.
Fourth crash: after some time, i discovered again some nasty things. He was not being open about his sexual life, as it was intended in our relationship. He had told me he has never fucked with a friend of him who he sometimes sees, which was not true (they fuck at least a couple of times a year, one of them very recently), he had told me he stopped guys who wanted real sex, lie, he has told me he did not looked up for guys in our city, lie.... This time i decided to end our relationship. I did it. Then I feel so bad. And he came back to me, asking me to help him change and overcome whatever defect he may have. i am so in love with him that I accept that. I just asked him to open and be sincere, that is all i need.
Thing is... Since this last episode (a few weeks ago) he has actually opened to me in a very nice way. He has also been very romantic. But we are still missing on the sex... i have been exploring my kinky side with other people... I love it, really love it. It is a shame knowing he has similar interests but he does not want to share them with me because i am "not that piggy" (his words) in bed, he recently told me I have improved myself. I think that might be truth. But he now does not get erections with me.... He is still tries to get me satisfy by making me cum, though (bare hands, nothing kinky at all)... Oh... I think it's hard to accept and not the type of the guy I'm in love with... And who says to be in love with me. So I wanted to ventilate those things and heard some advice or thoughts from the people who may know first-hand.
Sorry for the long post
As someone who is into BDSM and has several friends involved in the leather scene, for most people involved in the scene kink and sex go hand and hand, so the fact that he had no interest in kink with you, let alone sex, would have been a sign to me early on that the two of you may not be compatible in the bedroom.
Regardless, he seems to really struggle with honesty and communication. I think you need to figure out long term what you want from this guy.
He obviously doesn't feel the chemistry between the two of you and, in my experience- you can not create chemistry when it is not there. Bummer....but hey- it happens!
I see... My question is... Why does he want to be with me if there is no chemistry? Does he really love me? For me love passes through sexual chemistry... I might be wrong... On the other hand I'm having a very poor sexual life because it's hard to find other leathermen/kinky guys in my area... If I'd found one with whom I could live my sexuality then probably I would not be maddening about our relationship. For a brief time it was like that and it was amazing (even our sex life together had a brief lift since probably was not worrying anymore and it came on its own).
Thank you for your time and advice! Will focus on appreciating his love under other areas while I look for the man who gives me what he cannot currently give me. Also let him space to work on his honesty thing...
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