Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Crash Course in Doing the Right Thing (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6178)

dearprudence 02-01-2011 03:48 AM

Crash Course in Doing the Right Thing
 
This weekend, my husband and I participated in something that we have talked about doing before, but had never actually done it.

After a strange and uncomfortable few hours with my new boyfriend, his wife, another couple and another guy, in the couple's house, involving kinky play and such, we interrupted them and asked to leave, as we had driven there with boyfriend and wife. When we got home, my husband and I were both upset and needed to process what the hell had just happened. We talked, and I was feeling hurt, and I didn't really understand why we were invited in the first place. We didn't really feel welcome, and that kind of group play is not our thing, either together or separately.

I wasn't able able to connect with boyfriend online, and it was late, so I called him in the morning, and we talked about it. I wanted to explain to him how I felt, and he was great and apologetic and he understood what I was saying. He and I texted a little bit. But it was one of those conversations that wasn't really going anywhere. I knew it was all going to be okay, and there really wasn't anything to do to "fix" anything. Just a weird and uncomfortable night. As he and I were texting, his wife said that the four of us should get together that afternoon and talk it through. That we were all there, and we all needed to deal with it together.

My husband wasn't so keen on that, as he preferred to wait a couple of days to process. But it felt right to me, and husband obliged.

They got to our house, and we sat around the dining room table and talked for about an hour. We each took a turn talking about the night before and how we felt about things. We listened to each other. And then we talked very openly and honestly about what is going on with me and boyfriend, how his wife is feeling, how my husband is feeling. Husband and I have a little bit of experience with other relationships, so we shared some of that. We all asked a lot of questions and really heard each other. We talked about expectations and limits and respecting all boundaries.

It felt so grown-up and amazing. It's something that may seem like an ideal way to communicate at the beginning of a new poly relationship, but I doubt it happens as often as it could. It was a little scary, but turned out to be really good for each of us. My husband and boyfriend's wife exchanged phone numbers so they can vent to each other "when these two are texting every 5 minutes."

I'm kind of blown away a day later that we did it right away, and that it worked so well. I think it was courageous on all of our parts, but particularly hers for saying this is what we need to do and do it now.

This is probably the most influential thing I've experienced in my short poly life. It actually motivated me to call my husband's girlfriend and tell her that she has been an influence on my role as secondary relationship. She treats me with respect and kindness and always makes me feel comfortable. I want to be the same way.

Really good stuff.

redpepper 02-01-2011 06:57 AM

Wow, that's really awesome! Good for you :)

Fidelia 02-01-2011 07:46 PM

Congrats!:)

TruckerPete 02-02-2011 11:47 PM

:)


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:28 AM.