Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   forgiving. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6157)

redpepper 01-31-2011 06:22 PM

forgiving.
 
"Oh man. I HATE it when I'm the one who screws up. It's so much easier for me to forgive someone else than to forgive myself. I really beat myself up, too, especially if I should've known better. I mean, I really work myself over. I think it grows out of from holding myself to a high standard. One of the things I'm working on is to extend the same level of compassion and forgiveness to myself that I so freely give to others. I have to remind myself that "nobody's perfect" applies to me too."

I got this in a message from a dear friend to me. It's such a good reminder. Relationships are hard work, and there is no relationship that is harder work than the one that I have with myself.

I forget to be the best primary to myself first. That means forgiving myself for being human. I am but a raw bit of flesh that is full of stuff that I don't understand. The stuffing in me is a mystery. It is constantly unraveling and revealing its true nature. I hate it and love it at the same time... constantly finding a balance.

How do you go about being the best primary?
What are your goals for yourself?
What do you do to forgive yourself and allow yourself to just be who you are, flawed and raw and human?
How do you balance who you are with what is expected and what you have promised?
How do you go about forgiving others for the very same humanness?

NeonKaos 01-31-2011 07:06 PM

.


MonoVCPHG 01-31-2011 07:33 PM

I think it is very important to strive for forgiveness within ourselves but this is hypocritical of me. I am no where near ready to forgive my screw ups. I have instead learned to embrace guilt as an integral part of my being. Yes it's a cop out, like lifting your arms up and sinking into the water but I have found comfort in it's constant presence.

What is the impact of external forgiveness on our internal ability to let go of these negative thoughts? Is it important or a part of the process? If so, what do we do to achieve that?

So many questions that I am curious to hear about from others.

Nice thread Lilo :)

ray 01-31-2011 08:02 PM

I have a hard time with this one. Even when I'm not in the wrong, I usually end up finding something to get down on myself about. I'm working on it. Around this time last year, I got myself in to a scary situation. I had found work as an art model (something I'd done before and it'd been perfectly fine) but this guy was incredibly unprofessional. Ultimately, "nothing" happened but I was still pretty shook up and felt so angry at myself for not protecting myself. I do a martial art which emphasizes self defense and I'm supposed to be this bad-ass woman who's all tough. But I was just really scared and I didn't stick up for myself. It took a long time before I was able to forgive myself. O, actually, really helped me when he compared it to training martial arts. When you train you learn sequences of movement. In asian martial arts, they're called forms. When you learn a form, you practice it and practice it until eventually you know it so well, that it becomes an application. You can pull the movements out on reflex and use them with out thinking about it. I knew the things I was supposed to do to have good boundaries and protect myself but they were still just "forms." Someday, I'll be able to apply what I know without a second thought. And in the last 6 months I have gotten a lot better about drawing boundaries and enforcing them. So relating that to forgiveness... I found that realizing that I couldn't expect myself to do everything right, even if I know what I want to do. I'm going to make mistakes. And I have to take them in stride and know that I learned from the experience. I think that was the first time I really truly internalized that concept. Very important stuff. My only primary right now, is myself. And I've got plenty of work to do on that relationship. :)

Vivien 01-31-2011 08:03 PM

Great topic.

I've been struggling lately with self-care; I have a hard time making time for myself, and I struggle to use my time in the most efficient ways. On forgiveness: something that helped me was becoming a mother, oddly enough. (Obviously I don't recommend having a child just so one can learn self-compassion, but I think you are a parent already, right?) For me, there was this moment of revelation when I realized that my parents loved me (they were gone before my son was born) the same way, with the same depth and unconditional love, as I have for my son. Somehow I was able to take the forgiveness and compassion I have for him and apply it to myself through that understanding of myself as their baby.

Derbylicious 01-31-2011 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 64127)
How do you go about being the best primary?
What are your goals for yourself?
What do you do to forgive yourself and allow yourself to just be who you are, flawed and raw and human?
How do you balance who you are with what is expected and what you have promised?
How do you go about forgiving others for the very same humanness?

1) I'm very bad at this so I'm not going to say what I do but rather what I would do if I wasn't so wrapped up in myself. I would be honest about what my needs are to myself. Sometimes there's no way to let go of the guilt without stepping back from the situation and those involved and giving yourself the time and space to do something unrelated to take your mind off of what you're not able to forgive yourself for. People are allowed to say that they need space when they are upset with each other but a lot of the time we are reluctant to give ourselves that mental space that we need when we are upset with ourselves.

2) I don't have goals :p Honestly I think I have a goal to treat myself the way I would like others to treat me (yet again I am very bad at putting this into practice...I can beat myself up for months about things that are pretty minor and I would totally let go of if it was a friend).

3) Honestly I try to see what I'm beating myself up about through the eyes of the person who I have wronged. If they have forgiven me and moved forward then it is time for me to do the same. (Or if the friendship/relationship has dissolved and there is no need to hang on to the reasons why).

4) I try not to make promises that don't jive with who I am. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I've had to.

5) The hardest things to forgive in others are the things that we like least about ourselves. I think maybe self forgiveness makes it easier to forgive others.

Good thread!

sage 02-01-2011 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 64136)
I think it is very important to strive for forgiveness within ourselves but this is hypocritical of me. I am no where near ready to forgive my screw ups. I have instead learned to embrace guilt as an integral part of my being. Yes it's a cop out, like lifting your arms up and sinking into the water but I have found comfort in it's constant presence.

What is the impact of external forgiveness on our internal ability to let go of these negative thoughts? Is it important or a part of the process? If so, what do we do to achieve that?

So many questions that I am curious to hear about from others.

Nice thread Lilo :)

As with holding on to anything I think we need to ask ourselves, "how is this serving me and what would I have to face if I let it go?"

I had a naughty cheating past and I think part of me being able to let go of my mono mantel is being able to forgive myself but also trust that I can be freer and still hold onto what I have with Z and my integrity.

Ariakas 02-01-2011 03:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 64127)
How do you go about being the best primary?

I don't, its my biggest weakness. I have a lot of problems with protecting myself, being good to myself or sometimes even loving myself.

Quote:

What are your goals for yourself?
Right now...this instant...

To not drink
To heal my broken heart
To ... well something to do with love. No idea right now, my brain is fried. I am not sure what I expect for the love concept. I just know, I need to figure this shit out.
To become a work a holic so I don't need to think about number 2 or 3. (ok this is sarcasm)

Quote:

What do you do to forgive yourself and allow yourself to just be who you are, flawed and raw and human?
I am perfectly willing to admit I am flawed and human. I rarely forgive myself.

Quote:

How do you balance who you are with what is expected and what you have promised?
....no comment

Quote:

How do you go about forgiving others for the very same humanness?
Forgiving others is easy. They aren't me.

It is really that simple.

MonoVCPHG 02-01-2011 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 64205)
being able to let go of my mono mantel is being able to forgive myself but also trust that I can be freer and still hold onto what I have with Z and my integrity.

I would suggest that perhaps you aren't quite as mono as you think :eek: Mine is not a mantle..it's my nature ;) I still love you though Sage, just not in that way :)

sage 02-01-2011 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 64240)
I would suggest that perhaps you aren't quite as mono as you think :eek: Mine is not a mantle..it's my nature ;) I still love you though Sage, just not in that way :)

'Mono' was always a choice for me. I don't need to be poly either, that's why I'm going to refer to myself as 'poly-friendly' but I wonder how do you know what is nature and what is something we identify with because it suits us, it's comfortable for us and we've had strong social conditioning?

Everyone who has ever met me would say I'm an extrovert by nature. Since I've given up alcohol I'm becoming more and more introverted. Is that just an alcohol thing or does it perhaps say that I wanted to be extrovert and used alcohol to achieve it ?


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:57 PM.