Of being new to poly, BDSM and insecurity
I am 7 months into the first relationship of my life. This relationship is intertwined with poly elements as well as BDSM. My boyfriend/top is poly, and I don't think I am or at least am not yet since I have never been comfortable with anyone before him. Bordering on almost considering myself asexual.
He has another girl that he sees regularly and saw before dating me, it is a friends with benefits arrangement that is treated like dating because she does not wish to have any titles attached to it. So I view her as his other girlfriend. I went into this relationship knowing about her and being alright with her.
My boyfriend plays with whomever he wishes in the BDSM aspect of things; the only thing I asked of him was to keep sex between myself and his other girl. But also to let me know if he was interested in anyone else so that we could talk about it.
There is a different girl he has been seeing regularly to play with. And she progressed in closeness via how he addressed her to me. Basically went from "girl I've been playing with lately" to "insert her name here"
So I prepared myself for when he would bring up wanting to sleep with her. I told myself that I would be fine, that I would see her the way I see his other girl and all would be well. He would get another relationship and be happy.
But when he actually asked about it, I froze. I tried to say that it was fine and everything. But I could not. So I said I was not comfortable and started to tear up. I started to panic. "What if that wasn't o.k. with him?" "What if he is suddenly bored of me?" Evil, pessimistic and irrational thoughts flooding my head.
He was fine, and said he would not do anything I was not comfortable with. And that it did not mean he liked me any less. But brought up that I had mentioned to tell me if he was interested in another.
I went home after that and cried for days, on the brink of hysteria, unable to stop. It interfered with my jobs, it interfered with my sleep. He checked up on me during that time over texts, but did not see me breakdown. And at the moment I have it mostly at bay, but will still cry if I let my thoughts run off.
He is well known and loved among the local BDSM scene and both girls I am talking about are as well. All sweet, friendly extroverts and poly. And I suppose I feel like I don't stack up. I don't talk much, more like I don't know how to in public, if others are talking, I shut up. And everyone else in that scene doesn't really see how I fit in since I wallflower in a corner and am so opposite his personality and energy compared to the other two girls. They are younger and more experienced in all of this than I am.
The only time he does not talk to me is when he is with his other girl. His focus is on her, I imagine. So I fear I will lose more of his time when he gets yet another girl. Or if he meets another....and another. I do know a few people in six committed relationships at once and cannot even fathom it. I fear I'll eventually fall to the wayside since I view myself as least interesting of the girls he has been with that I know.
I tried to tell him it was fine if he slept with her, that I was being irrational and that I didn't have a problem over text. He basically called me out on still being uncomfortable and said he would not proceed until I was comfortable since everything is so new for me.
But I want to be comfortable with it. I want to not panic and think he'll leave me every time a new girl comes along. But I don't know how to be comfortable with it right now.
That is my story, I apologize for the long read. Anyone have any advice they could spare? I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for stopping by.
I think you should really think about whether the benefits of this relationship outweigh the inevitable hardship you'll experience.
Ah, I see.....
I do believe this relationship is very for beneficial for me....I would just like some advice on how to understand better and root out my fears of insecurity. I do apologize if I came off making it sound like a horrible circumstance or that I do not support poly...
My boyfriend is very supportive and understanding and willing to make me comfortable. In turn, I would like to support his feelings and needs regarding poly.
I am sorry for your pain. Crying hysterically for days on end to the point you can't sleep, work, play... it sucks! BTDT years ago.
Your self esteem is low. You seem to feel inferior because you're a bit older and quieter than his other 2 interests. You're a "wallflower." Ever stop to think about how some people are drawn to quieter people? They can be peaceful to be around, and what they say can be pithier than people who are constantly yakking.
It can be hard to believe a poly person can care about/love you to pieces, want to keep you, and still be drawn to another, or others. But that is how poly people are. If he was mono and drawn to another, he'd leave you. But he's poly and can love several. He's still checking in with you and wanting you to express your feelings so he can comfort and reassure you. Let him in! Let him feel your pain and insecurity, while still owning these are your feelings to deal with, maybe with a little help.
In my case, my gf is quiet and shy, my bf is outgoing and extroverted, I love both of them.
I am just curious, since you say this is your first relationship ever, mono or poly, how old are you?
Dealing with all of this for the first time can be overwhelming, especially if you are still getting comfortable learning how relationships can work. It doesn't sound like you have been dating your bf very long, and I wonder if you truly trust him yet. It can be hard to share someone when you are still getting to know them and still building trust.
You also said you aren't sure poly is for you. This is something you need to figure out sooner than later. If poly isn't for you then this relationship is going to be very difficult for you to be comfortable with, but there are other couples on this board where one partner is poly and the other is mono.
@Magdylyn, thank you for your kind words and insight. I really appreciate them. I have since spoken to him and elaborated my feelings to him. Why I believe I am uncomfortable with the situation and then have gained some understanding on his feelings. I know it will take some time to build up my self esteem but I believe I am heading in that direction.
@MsChristy, thank you for your reply and insight as well. I am 25 years old. A little bit of a late bloomer. We haven't been dating too long but he has done nothing to prove himself distrustful, and yet I believe you hit the nail on the head that I did not fully trust him yet. I couldn't say whether I am poly or not yet though, I have been around poly people and seen the relationships for about seven years. Just had never been in one myself and did not realize how it would effect me.
I'm sorry you hurt. :(
Are you sure you want to be dating a poly person? That's a fundamental you could determine ASAP. Because if your preference is for monoships rather than polyships, dating outside preferences isn't going to be fun.
You have chosen to participate in a polyamorous/bdsm relationship. Your shared hinge sees other people.
You yourself seem to be monoamorous and do not indicate a desire to love another. You do indicate a desire to become more "poly-friendly" so you don't have to wig out emotionally and can feel more secure.
Is that it?
If so? Could note you are only 7 mos in. That's might not be enough time for you to have built up enough trust with a new partner to start shaking things up by adding NEW partners to the polymath.
You are ok with the other GF because she was there when you started. She came as part of the the package when you agreed to dating. This new potential -- that's something else. There is nothing wrong with telling your BF "I'm not ready yet. It's too soon for me to think about you adding another partner. I do not feel safe/secure/trusting enough in this 7 mos old thing to be open to that at this time."
Your concerns about time management are also fair enough -- you could ask the hinge how his new potential relationship would affect time spent with you.
You seem to feel better after talking it out -- well, could remember that for future. Instead of allowing yourself to go all wiggy emotionally if you know you started to feel better after expressing your feelings to the BF -- go express your feelings to the BF rather than holding it in.
Could not lie. Either directly or through lies of omission.
After examining your behavior, you could examine his. So far all his behaviors point toward what? Does his behaviors help ADD or TAKE AWAY from clear communication and the health of the relationship? Building trust?
He probably likes you for YOU and what you bring to the table. The very things that you think set you apart from the others that are "bad." They are different, yes. But they are not "bad." You could stop evaluating.
You could read about jealousy or more jealousy.
You could not let self-esteem do the work of self-respect. It will drain away that emotional bank account.
When you cannot feel proud of your behavior, your self esteem takes a ding. If you tell yourself you are crap in your head, how is this thinking behavior highly esteemable? It isn't. Could learn to talk to yourself in your head less harshly. That stops withdrawals. But what ADDS to the self esteem account?
Being emotionally honest in your relationship and not doing lies of omission is or isn't self respecting toward you? Respectful toward the BF? ADDS or TAKES AWAY from the self esteem account?
Could remember you are NOT your feelings or your thoughts. You are the person DOING the feeling and doing the thinking. Sometimes feelings and thoughts are spot on. Sometimes they are static on the channel. They are not YOU.
At some point you have to start taking some small emotional risks to find out that "Hey! It wasn't so bad and nothing horrible happened!" so you can let go and relax. You BECOME comfortable by doing. You don't have to canonball into the pool, but you do have to put toes in the water and keep expanding if you want to become comfortable.
Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone -- you stretch it out a bit so your comfort zone increases. If this is what you want to achieve, you could talk to BF about that and how he could support you as you move forward toward gaining that.
You can do this! Keep going!
Hang in there!
Ooo sounds painful, I've been there, the crying for days, in D/s relationship, being mono with a poly. Having to accept it because that's what my Dominant wants. Heartbroken and furious that he would be so selfish. I take a serious look when a relationship starts to interfere with my ability to function.
But with lots of reading this forum, journaling, therapy, meetings and talking with poly friends, I am able to reframe the above. I don't have to accept it, even if he is my Dominant, I always have the choice to leave. But I didn't want be released, so I explored the choice of changing my perception about the situation and my interpretation of what it means about him and about me. I learned that it doesn't really mean much about me, he still loves me. I learned that he is really really different than I am, that he can care for more than one. And recently he has demonstrated the emotional maturity, focus and self discipline to pursue the relationship without neglecting the rest of his life.
All that to say, it is possible to get more comfortable but in my opinion it won't be easy. Six years into my relationship I still don't know how this all will work out, but I've learned a lot about myself and him along the way!
About being on the surrender side of D/s: in many relationships transparency is important, he needs to know what you are experiencing. For me that was the hardest part. I wanted to be a good girl and I didn't want to spew all my emotions all over him. In an attempt to be good I just wasn't disclosing enough of what I was feeling. I took years to trust that he could handle it, it makes sense that you might need more than 7 months to learn what you can trust him with! And of course, I learned that it is possible to be sufficiently transparent without making a drama mess, just learning to find the time and the place to be honest, and honest more than I was comfortable. I wish you the best!
@Galagirl, yes, I do want to become poly-friendly. I really think its beautiful how people can have many relationships and love everyone. With my BF I feel comfortable. As I have never been before.
I have been open with him now, I haven't kept anything under wraps. It felt like a cannonball in the pool even though it was a pretty small risk. I just wanted to be ok with everything so I wouldn't cause any trouble. My irrational emotional side and my logical understanding side have been warring.
I somehow thought that simply trying to let him see this new girl would prove more that I trusted him.
And thankfully, the more risks I have taken the more he has proven that this doesn't change what we have or how much he loves me. So thank you for reply and helping me determine the questions I needed to look into.
Of course I am not perfectly comfortable as of yet. But feel much better.
@HisPet, I was hoping to find hear from someone regarding the D/s side of things. Thank you very much. I know this road will not be an easy one and I was very afraid I would get a lot of people saying I should quit now if I'm not poly. So I appreciate your insight.
I just read this thread all the way through. There's a lot of parallels between this and what we are currently going through. Plus we're also kinky and also new to polyamory!!
Firstly I suggest you ignore Londons first post, it was negative and seemed to focus on your insecurities. You don't need negativity right now. Nor should you be made to feel bad for any insecurities you have, they're natural!! They're irrational, but that doesn't mean you're wrong for having them.
Secondly I suggest you read both of the threads that myself and my girlfriend posted as there is some great advice from other posters which was given to us. There's a lot of bitchiness and negativity aimed at my girlfriend from some members of the community (which pissed me off!!) in amongst it so be warned... but on the whole there's some great advice.
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