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-   -   Secondaries: Integration/In a Bubble (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61390)

WhatHappened 10-26-2013 08:06 PM

Secondaries: Integration/In a Bubble
 
I'm curious, from those who are secondaries: how much are you a part of your bf/gf's life?

Are you kept completely isolated, and a secret from, from their friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, or anyone else?

Is your relationship known to some of the people in your partner's life? Is there some integration, but some people from whom your partner chooses to keep your relationship secret (or private, if you prefer?)

Or are your partner's friends, family, neighbors, and co-workers as much a part of your life as they would be if you were a spouse?

If your partner, or the two of you jointly, decide to keep your relationship private from some or all, what are your reasons?

Atlantis 10-26-2013 10:39 PM

I have met quite a few of Prof's friends and neigbours. He calls me his "date" aargh. "Friend" works fine for me.

I haven't met his family, but none of them live close. I am not sure how out he is to his family. Interesting question. He is not out at work so I would be introduced as "friend," if that happened.

His primary does not want secondaries meeting mutual friends.

He divides his time between 2 cities so I am integrated here as much as I want to be, which is not much :)

Kips is not out at all, agreement with wife. He has told a couple of overseas friends but none in his city or at work. This also suits me just fine.

I am out to family, friends and a few work colleagues. I don't discuss my private life easily.

My best friend hasn't told her husband. She thinks he would be a bit upset, I respect her decision. I am not bothered either way.

I really don't like and am not good at good chit-chat, classic INTJ. So not meeting people works for me. I do best one-to-one, same with friends, I make friends veeeery sloooooowly and rarely have get to-gethers. I find group events torturous.

Would it be different if we were married? Not really. I would try to keep out of their work and family relationships as much as possible, that was how I operated when I was married.

I am quite happy with my level of integration.

CattivaGattina 10-26-2013 11:30 PM

I met pretty much all of Seven's friends when we were together. I also met his dad, step-mom, and one of his brothers. He would also talk about me to other people that I hadn't met.

I wouldn't be someone's secret. And even if I couldn't introduce them as a boyfriend/girlfriend I would make sure my family knew how important they were to me.

JaneQSmythe 10-27-2013 02:04 AM

I voted for Dude - since he doesn't post here.

Since the question specified "all" of the people in partner's life, I had to answer "less than half" as there are a ton of peripheral people in my life that I don't share ANY personal info with (like co-workers and neighbors) as I am basically a private person. (It took me 3 years to learn the names of my neighbors for crying out loud :rolleyes:)

Now, if you limit it to important people (i.e. people we care about) - probably more than half. We are out to friends (mine, MrS's, Dude's) - these are the people we socialize and hang out with regularly. They all know. Our immediate families know that Dude lives with us and we consider him "family" and we leave it at that. He is invited to all "family" functions that don't involve extended family (which we are not close to anyway).

Due to professional considerations (mine) - this will continue to be the case until I retire (hopefully in 10-15 years :p). When we are traveling or someplace where I am not likely to be recognized by clients (concerts, restaurants in the city, etc)...we are out publicly as well. (I love the looks I get dancing with/kissing on/holding hands with my two boys...I'm a bit of an imp that way :D - I always read them as "jealous disapproval")

WhatHappened 10-27-2013 02:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 242713)
I wouldn't be someone's secret. And even if I couldn't introduce them as a boyfriend/girlfriend I would make sure my family knew how important they were to me.

In what situations would you be unable to introduce them as your boyfriend? With your family? Would you feel that being introduced as someone important, but not specifically as a girlfriend, is the same as being kept a secret?

LovingRadiance 10-27-2013 02:59 AM

I didn't vote. Neither of my partners have any other partners.
But I wanted to notate-that neither of them is secondary either. One is my husband. One is my boyfriend. Both know everyone in my life and everyone meaningful in each others lives. We all live together and I don't do secrets. I could never disrespect anyone I love by treating them as "less than" a meaningful person in my life.
I don't even keep friends secret, I can't imagine doing that to a lover.

CattivaGattina 10-27-2013 03:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhatHappened (Post 242765)
In what situations would you be unable to introduce them as your boyfriend? With your family? Would you feel that being introduced as someone important, but not specifically as a girlfriend, is the same as being kept a secret?

My husband's family. My parents and my co-workers did know about Seven and mine relationship as did family.

My husband's family is very conservative Christian so they knew that Seven was my best friend who I would spend a day or two of a week with. But they had very limited interaction in regards to Seven and I.

For another relationship if they felt there were people who couldn't know I was a girlfriend, as long as the closeness of our relationship was still expressed, I'd be fine.

Inyourendo 10-27-2013 03:34 AM

I don't have any other partners buy j is N's secondary ans she is includes in all aspects of our life. She spends the night whenever she wishes. She's included on all our social functions and she even lives with n's mom at my bff's house. I even picked up food for her and took it to her work lol

Mya 10-27-2013 11:24 AM

I can't vote because I'm nobody's secondary and I don't have a secondary partner either. I have two partners, one of them doesn't have other partners and the other has one other partner. All of my important people (and actually less important people as well) know about both of them. And both of my partners have told about me to all of their important people and most of their less important people as well. There's only a few exceptions when we have to hide being poly.

Nadya 10-27-2013 01:14 PM

I did not vote, since I am nobody's secondary. I think Mark can be seen as my secondary, due to the realities of life (physical distance of my two homes etc.) For him I should have voted "Less than half", due to very similar reasons than JaneQ.

We are all very private, and I'd say both my relationships have been extra private in the beginning. I told about CJ only to very few most important people until we moved in together. After that I let my co-workers know, and my bio family got to know about him only after we married. Still today most of my relatives have not met CJ, and probably will never meet. I go to the few family functions of my bio family, to which I get invited, alone.

I have started a similar kind of integration process with Mark, little by little. I have told about him to the most important people in my life, and he has met some of them. He has been very happy about being integrated into my life and being accepted by my closest ones. People who are not important to me and/or whom I know would disapprove, do not need to know. He has been introduced to some people as "a friend", and he seems to be good with that.


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