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-   -   ...And suddenly everything became complicated. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6139)

Aesthareon 01-31-2011 06:43 AM

...And suddenly everything became complicated.
 
So, to start off, I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful, handsome young man, who I am very much in love with. He is also quite polyphobic due to some personal issues. At the beginning of the relationship I told him that I was polycurious, but that it probably wouldn't be much of a problem for me to be monogamous.

But of course, that didn't really turn out to be true, or I wouldn't be posting it here.

Somewhere around the same time that I met my current boyfriend, I also met another person, who I was also somewhat attracted to. When I started a relationship, however, I decided that the best thing to do would be to put such thoughts out of my mind.

Well, that didn't actually work so well. Last night, I was chatting on Facebook with the other boy, and discovered that my feelings for him were, and still are, mutual. Now things are a little more complicated. It was a lot easier to ignore my feelings while I wasn't sure whether or not he felt the same.

I have told my boyfriend about these newly resurfaced feelings, and he's understanding, and has told me that he wants to try to work out his issues about polyamory. However, I know that he's quite scared of this new situation. I don't want to ignore the feelings I have, but I want to wait until my current boyfriend is absolutely comfortable with whatever arrangement we decide on. The other boy has told me that he is willing to wait until this happens.

So, I guess I'm mostly looking for advice for this situation, about how I can support him, and how I can make him feel more comfortable.

Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any advice. I'd be really grateful for it.

sage 01-31-2011 10:38 AM

Hi and Welcome

Is your boyfriend the kind of guy who will actually invest the time and energy that's generally necessary for a mono in coming to terms with polyamory?

You can be understanding, empathetic and patient but ultimately it's him that has to do the work; issue by issue.

My blog is specifically aimed at polymono relationships (link in signature). There is also the polymono group at yahoo
which is a forum especially to support monos in relationships with monos.

Good luck

redpepper 01-31-2011 07:58 PM

There are many threads on here about mono/poly dynamics and i suggest that you do a tag search to find them.

I don't advocate for mono/poly relationships, truth be known. I have not found one example where all concerned are perfectly happy and understand one another. There are huge compromises and I have not seen any way through them to become solid boundaries in my own personal struggle. I do know relationships that are working for now, but the future is always unpredictable in mono/poly... with poly relationships love is added and not generally taken away. Relationships change and morph into something else, but generally no one leaves unless there is some huge reason. In mono relationships, when it is over, its over. Things are far more black and white. Trying to understand both sides of that is next to impossible.

That being said, if I were you I would not make any promises you can't keep. Be perfectly honest and realistic; what hurts now will hurt a hell of a lot more later. Know that there is a possibility that you are going to hurt your partner like no one else has. They will also cause you pain too as you make compromises to be with them.

I would suggest going very slowly and exploring if there is a chance they are poly also... at least in theory. They don't have to practice it to be it. There might be a chance that an understanding can be developed out of that.

What has worked for me is to prioritize who I want to be with and then work towards boundaries that reflect that. I hate having to do that, but it has been necessary. At this point in my poly journey of 15 years I am at a place where I see no boundaries between people, no hierarchy of primary/secondary etc. I just see and feel love for those I resonate with. I want the opportunity to let that go. But mono/poly relationships don't allow for that. At least if there is any depth and connection... if it's just dating then perhaps, but it sounds like you are established and have connection.

I wish you well, perhaps if poly is all new to you then you will have a chance to create something from scratch that works for you both. Good luck...

(sorry this is rather defeatist. I assure you its my own shit that is guiding me right now. I hope that others that are a bit more positive will chime in... still, I figure that knowing everything honestly is better than a glossed over version that makes it sound like it will all be chocolate and roses... hope you get that)

NeonKaos 01-31-2011 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 64140)
I don't advocate for mono/poly relationships, truth be known. I have not found one example where all concerned are perfectly happy and understand one another.

:confused:

Um, you just got through telling us in another thread how wonderful your relationship(s) are and how it's a triad in every way except sex.

Last time I checked, your boyfriend is "mono", which would make YOUR relationship(s) a mono/poly one.

So what do you mean you "have not found one example" and "don't advocate"? You "advocate" it through actions and the way you run your life.

redpepper 01-31-2011 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 64144)
So what do you mean you "have not found one example" and "don't advocate"? You "advocate" it through actions and the way you run your life.

True, I have an awesome relationship, only because I am a sucker for punishment and so is Mono. I think if we didn't enjoy torturing each other then we would not be in this today...

OP, if you enjoy torturing your partner and them torturing you.... with long drawn out conversations, discussions and debates that don't seem to ever have and end... followed by tons of heartache and great make up sex... then go for it! Mono/poly all the way!;):p

MonoVCPHG 01-31-2011 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 64151)
OP, if you enjoy torturing your partner and them torturing you.... with long drawn out conversations, discussions and debates that don't seem to ever have and end... followed by tons of heartache and great make up sex... then go for it! Mono/poly all the way!;):p

:D Thanks for the laugh Sunshine :) So true though!

River 01-31-2011 08:48 PM

Such drama is about as common in other variations of relationship, including the very conventional mono- couple situation. Only the topics of difficulty, debate and disagreement differ.

What probably allows people to deal with one another up close is ... lowered expectations. Not lowered loving. Just less demands placed on one another to be EVERYTHING to one another and agree on every damn thing. In other words, we're -- the overwhelming majority of us -- difficult. At least sometimes. Even a lot of the time. Ain't nobody perfect and ain't no two people compatible in EVERY respect.

That said, it's good to be clear on what is a deal breaker for one's self. But don't get TOO picky, this is Earth and we're human. We can work things out when we want to--sometimes.

sage 01-31-2011 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 64140)
I have not found one example where all concerned are perfectly happy and understand one another. There are huge compromises

I can honestly say that this is where we are at the moment and neither of us feels compromised. It's been a journey to get here though but isn't anything worthwhile?

Each relationship is unique as is each person's experience of the whole polymono thing. It's a spectrum and RP I think the problems you guys are having is because you are both so firmly fixed at opposite ends.

Part of my process was finding the positives for myself in a polymono relationship. I initially came up with 11 Positives for a mono in a poly relationship but I could probably come up with more now.

Yes, we've both gone through hard times to get here but I went through hard times in a mono marriage too and never experienced anything like the positives. Yes, who knows how long this will last, but who knows how long anything will last?
I don't agree with RP that with poly poly relationships the love isn't generally taken away. I know of plenty of poly relationships where love has been wrenched away, sometimes very cruelly.

For poly support in a polymono relationship there is also a yahoo group called livingpolymono


I love my polymono relationship and wouldn't change it if I could but as I've said the success or failure of it is a shared experience and not something you can do on your own. It will come down to how far open your partner can stretch his mind and how much work he is prepared to undertake.

redpepper 01-31-2011 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 64156)
I can honestly say that this is where we are at the moment and neither of us feels compromised. It's been a journey to get here though but isn't anything worthwhile?

Glad to hear it Sage :) I was hoping someone would prove me wrong.

sage 01-31-2011 09:10 PM

:)Hmmm in the light of your posts mine looks all squeaky clean and goody-two-shoes but someone has to fly the hopeful flag for "polymono". I think Mono needs to get the "monopoly" word out of his signature it could be causing serious subtle energetic disturbances.;)


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