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-   -   Triad... ???? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6138)

kapablekeri 01-31-2011 06:03 AM

Triad... ????
Good Evening,

I posted a very long arduous post the other night.. very convoluted.. so I am trying a different tack...

I have an idea of what I want for a triad... I would like to know if anyone could give me some examples of triads that worked for them.. or what they consider a triad would be...

I am not interested in a vee.. and, admittedly I haven't read a whole lot of posts, but the ones I have talk about a hinge.. and wouldn't that make it a vee instead of a triad??

Isn't a triad supposed to be equal footing on all sides??

Any information about triads.. successful triads, unsuccessful triads.. would be greatly appreciated..

Thanks K

kapablekeri 01-31-2011 07:43 AM

short short brief synopsis
very very short synopsis of what I posted the other night....

my 3rd partner just told me she only wants to be my bestest friend... and this is the 3rd time in the past 2 years that she has done this... I am fearful that she is monogamous and continues lying about being poly just to be with him... I am really struggling with this.. because he loves her to pieces... she loves him with everything in herself.. I love and care for her.. but am quite pulled back and thinking that i don't want to lay my heart on the line again for her to do this yet again in 6 months... and I am watching hiim be torn apart because he wants a triad and has asked her to move out... he is a mess... I am a mess.. she is a mess... It is a friggin nightmare...

So I am hoping that someone can share what their healthy triad looked like... so I might have some ideas that make me feel comfortable going back into the ring with... or to help me determine if I should find a new ring .....

and then maybe my idea of what I want for a triad is just completely unworkable I don't know... thanks for any help

Thanks - Keri

NeonKaos 01-31-2011 02:57 PM

Tag Search for "triad"

Tag Search for "third partner"

GroundedSpirit 01-31-2011 03:14 PM


"Successful" triads from our experience most often just fall together almost accidentally. Trying to create one by design seems to have poor results.

So by the same note, "unsuccessful" triads - or any relationship - often are the result of design & specifications.

It seems the best concept is just to be open and aware as people come in and out of our lives. Things can spark and grow totally unexpectedly. But first you have to notice them, then nurture them.


RfromRMC 01-31-2011 04:55 PM

Lots of grey area Vee vs Triad
We call ourselves a triad and for all practical purposes we are one.
But we definitely started as a Vee...and even to this day, we still have Vee-like patterns here and there.

For example, the one who was our hinge (M) still is the one who sleeps in the middle 99% of the time. Occasionally, he'll be the one who acts like a group leader too. Now, part of that could just be him being the alpha male...or the fact he's the oldest of the three...but more likely it's just that he's still used to being the hinge and that will always be a part of him in this relationship.

C and I still work to strengthen our bond whenever possible, but no matter what we do, the fact is that if it weren't for M, we'd probably wouldn't have been more than casual friends. But that does not mean we don't love each other very much! We still call each other boyfriends or partners too...so we're still a triad. And I will always try to find new ways to build more of a bond with him.
But again...M was the one who brought us together....he's the connecting factor.

redpepper 01-31-2011 07:24 PM

I suggest you follow Neon's links and see what you find. Triads are well talked about here and I am sure that you will find some useful and interesting threads if you do a tag search.

The relationship dynamic I am in is a vee by sex only. This seems to be the case with most established vees. There is often not much future in a vee where the parties are not equal in terms of status. Not to say that longevity is the goal, but it quite often is.

In my experience a metamour relationship between all parties is necessary in order to sustain a relationship. My PN and Mono are very good friends and are closer to each other in their lives than anyone else besides me. They really are the back bone to the success of our relationship. If they had not ended up being close friends I would not be with either of them today. I fully believe that. I rely on them to keep their friendship together in order for "us" to succeed.

Some people seem to think that in order to be a triad that everyone should be having sex. That is not necessarily worth pursuing I don't think. Some people think that if you are in a vee then the two arms are not close and are completely separated from one another; again, not necessarily the case. Most long standing vees make me think of a "hug" more than a vee. I am the body, they are the arms crossed over in a such a way as we are all giving ourselves a hug.

Have you seen the book, "the hug?" Its a kids book with a cover that makes me think of vees. Great book btw.

MonoVCPHG 01-31-2011 07:58 PM

I think the concept of "equal footing" is an artifical product that probably has no validity when real emotions are involved. To seek it out seems to be more like looking for someone to fulfill a contract between three people. Triads are viable and I know of one in particular that is thriving after much struggle and finding a workable balance. Even in that case there is an aknowledged difference between primary and secondary relationships (for lack of a better word). There is no illusions about everything being equal it seems. They are all in love however and so they continue on without any notion that everything will be equal.

Moonglow 02-01-2011 06:25 AM

it has been a while since I posted
My triad for the tiny little time it existed (Feb to Aug of last year) worked beautifully. It broke up due to outside influences but it was a kind and thoughtful friendship between my husband my secondary and and me. They often did things together without me. We all played music together. We shared meals together. I spent time with my secondary at his home and the rare occasion my husband went there as well though mostly they spent their time together on outings and building things. It was quite harmonious for the most part. I don't have that now but things are ok. I am still free to come and go as I please. I have never contacted my former secondary as I felt crushed when it ended not even maintaining a friendship (his choice). I would certainly hope another relationship can happen again but it will be hard to repeat for me. My primary relationship almost came apart when the other relationship ended but we seem to get stronger now and I appreciate him more than possibly I did before. Sadly he misses him sometimes and does wonder why we couldn't maintain the friendship. Maybe someday we'll see him again but I don't know... I know I will not be the one to seek him out.

I think when it was successful was when we all did things together like a family. That's what it felt like. I hope you can find some peace in what you are looking for. :)

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