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-   -   Seeking Triad Advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61367)

phantazmagoria 10-26-2013 04:41 PM

Seeking Triad Advice
 
Bio: I am a wife, with a husband of 10 years, start dating beautiful girl 2 months ago. We all date each other: me and him, me and her, her and him, and the three of us.

#1 question: Her and the Husband have had sexual relations without me, but not vaginal, penetration sex. I know they both want to, just waiting for me to say "go", and where I don't feel much pressure, I do feel guilt.

How do I get to a place where I'm totally fine with this? They only thing I can think of is just to let them do it, and see what happens, but that sounds so risky!


#2 question: How does one become totally comfortable with their third seeing other people outside of the triad?

It's obvious that she has needs that aren't being met from being a third, but so far into this, she's deemed it worthy to stay unofficially monogamous to us. Then last night, she had drinks with another man and they kissed. ugh!

How do I get to a place where I am cool with her being with other people?

I feel like I'm supposed to be totally fine with them having sex alone AND her having sex with others .... but how??

I feel like the future of our relationship depends on me finding a comfortable place with these two issues.

Any advice?

pulliman 10-26-2013 07:00 PM

Hi, phantazmagoria, here's to hoping I can answer some of your questions...

First off, congrats on what sounds like a pretty great situation of everyone talking to everyone, everyone dating everyone, and hopefully to all three of you having time together, too...

Quote:

#1 question: Her and the Husband have had sexual relations without me, but not vaginal, penetration sex. I know they both want to, just waiting for me to say "go", and where I don't feel much pressure, I do feel guilt.
What do you feel guilty about?

Quote:

How do I get to a place where I'm totally fine with this? They only thing I can think of is just to let them do it, and see what happens, but that sounds so risky!
I gotta say, this seems to be the approach that will work best. They're already fooling around, happily so, and respectful of your desires. That's awesome, and a skill you three shouldn't lose. Also, they want to go further, and if they do that with respect, and you do it with love and compassion for them, then just let them go there.

Are you afraid of where it might lead? Why would this be risky? Are you able to do things with her that he can't? I'm going to guess that this is a situation of opening up, because you and your husband can do things together that she can't do with him, and perhaps not with you. What pathway do you see to being a real triad that can honestly intertwine?

And is that the risk? Of losing something with your husband because of his (and your!) involvement with someone new? I'm going to guess that you've already changed your marriage in subtle ways - making those public is a lot less risky than keeping them hidden away...

But again, I'm just guessing. If you could talk more about "risky" and "guilt," that would be really helpful...


Quote:

#2 question: How does one become totally comfortable with their third seeing other people outside of the triad?
You say that she wants more than she can get from being in this triad, but it also sounds like this triad includes space where she can't go, yet. Is that a permanent choice? Are you really seeking a triad, or are you seeking a playmate on the side? (Either one is fine, as long as you know what you're seeking and what the consequences of that choice are.) If you see a pathway toward a balanced triad in which she has meaningful relationships that fulfill her, maybe you'll end up in a closed, fidelitous relationship. But if she's feeling left out and wants something you can't give her, for whatever reason, then she's in her rights to seek a relationship like she really wants.

Sounds like communication on this is going to be meaningful and important.

One recommendation: don't call her a third. That puts her on the outside of your couple. That, or accept that your husband is a third to your relationship with her, and you're the third in his relationship with her. I really dislike that phrasing, because it implies that the "third" is the one left out. It doesn't have to be that way, it can be an enjoyed space where that couple has something awesome, and because you're dating them both, you get to enjoy the awesomeness they share with each other.

Quote:

How do I get to a place where I am cool with her being with other people?
Based on your first question, are you cool with her being with your husband? That sounds like a strong place to start - you're scared of where this might go, it seems, and also wanting it to go places you haven't articulated yet. You like her being monogamous to the two of you, but you haven't wanted her to be together with your husband. Am I reading that right? because it could be that she needs security that she doesn't have, yet.

Quote:

I feel like I'm supposed to be totally fine with them having sex alone AND her having sex with others .... but how??
Aw, man, I don't know of any "supposed to's" when it comes to triads and poly. There's what works for you, based on ungodly amounts of communication. What do you really want? What does your husband really want? What does she really want? In what way are you happy together, and what will you have to change to find the happiness that you seek? Those questions are real, and difficult...

For all that my answers ask for clarity and such, I'm not critiquing. I think communication is key. I think openness and honesty and inclusiveness are key. And remembering that a triad is way more complicated than couple-and-a-third is key. (It's impossible to say that you're half of a couple, but she's a third of it all... that's a recipe for her to feel less. All of you are one third of something larger, now, and your thirds combine into two-third segments, and the whole of you is much larger and more intricate than what you had before....)

PolyinPractice 10-26-2013 10:31 PM

Wow
 
You can be not okay with her sleeping with your husband. Or you can be not okay with her seeing other people. Not both.

You say she's okay being monogamous with you. .. even though you treat her as something on the side. Clearly she isn't, or she wouldn't have gone on a date. She has needs you won't allow her to get met by her boyfriend/partner. Fine. She's allowed to get those needs meet elsewhere. And you freak out over a KISS? ??

What she has demonstrated is a clear patience with you..... but if you keep being unreasonable and controlling, she'll probably leave. Or start ignoring you completely. I would if I were her.

Also she's a person, not a pet. I agree with pulliman. Don't call her "your" third. Not only insulting, but implies you own her.

Dagferi 10-27-2013 12:31 AM

Holy double standards there Batman.

How is denial of her wants and needs fair? Yet you and your husband get to get your sexual needs scratched.

london 10-27-2013 12:40 AM

Easy, you start treating her like a person. If she is in a relationship with your partner, she should be able to interact with him how they both want to. If they want to have sex, they should. They are girlfriend and boyfriend. Not your possessions. Let them have the relationship they want to. If you have a good husband and/or a good girlfriend who want to be with you, they'll maintain the relationship they have with.you too.

Why are you trying to.deny her the opportunity to meet te needs that you.don't even want to meet? Don't you feel.selfish and uncaring?

phantazmagoria 10-27-2013 02:40 PM

I'm just scared. And it's only been 2 months. Still figuring things out. Learning as we go.

Dagferi 10-27-2013 03:02 PM

In the process you are hurting someone else.

She is not a possession or toy.

pulliman 10-27-2013 03:10 PM

Trite phrases are no less true for being trite: The opposite of fear is love.

If you're scared... try, anyway. Otherwise, you end up hurting the person you wish to love.

PolyinPractice 10-27-2013 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phantazmagoria (Post 242958)
And it's only been 2 months. Still figuring things out. Learning as we go.

Exactly. Only been two months. If you want her giving up all others but you and him, that takes time. Don't scare her off by telling her how it'll be in future according to YOUR plans. Ease her in.... make HER be the one to ask, make it feel like it's HER idea. Encourage her by making her feel her relationship with him is natural. Help her to feel comfortable with you.

But it doesn't have to happen today :( Take your time with it.

bookbug 10-27-2013 03:26 PM

Okay, try this: pretend you are the new woman.

How would it feel to be her? Try writing down here on your thread, what you think she is feeling. How do things look from her perspective? (The reason I am encouraging you to write it as opposed to just spinning the questions in your head is because it gets you out of your own head.)

I think once you can develop some empathy for her, you may well be on the road to achieving what you want.


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