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-   -   Jealousy... but what else is new, lol (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611)

itsazoo 08-06-2009 07:46 PM

Jealousy... but what else is new, lol
I don't know if this is the right area to post my situation and ask for advice. I started telling my story in Introductions (Hi from Canada). If this is better somewhere else, please move it, lol.

Anyway, bf #1 is older, aging prematurely, and not up to much any more. This hasn't really been as problem as he has strongly encouraged me to see others during the 2 1/2 years we've been together. While none of them worked out long term so far, it has been fun. I'm not jealous by nature regardless. And he only had an issue with one of my bf's, on account of my talking so much about what a wonderful person he was. They had a chat with each other and all was then well.

I know I'm prone to getting excited while getting to know someone new, and saying whatever comes to mind, which apparently can be taken to imply that they are better than my current bf. But how does one avoid it? Of course the new person will have some great qualities, or I wouldn't be with them! I see them as individuals with unique qualities, each excelling in different areas (and having different weaknesses), thus meeting different needs. I don't see that one takes away from the other.

Anyway, bf #1 met a new couple fairly recently (unmarried but living together), and brought us together as a group. Both men are bi, and we thought it would be great for each couple to "borrow" the other man. I had trouble warming up to the other man at first, but with bf #1's encouragement and through spending time together, I found we were actually very compatible and we had a lot of fun together.

Then it happened that the woman in other other couple needed to leave town for a couple of months for work. I was happy to have more time with him myself; bf #1 wasn't available very much, and didn't have the energy in any case. Bf #2 is physically fit, and thus capable of many things bf #1 is not (but that was the whole point, lol).

The other woman stipulated only that she be told of everything we do, and she was fine with us doing whatever we liked. Bf #2 and I both told our partners how wonderful we were together. And apparently we became more intimate than bf #1 was expecting...

So now bf #1 believes bf #2 is responsible for all the evils of the world. He has left it to me to do as I see best, but it's clearly tearing him up. And bf #2 seems to be treating his partner rather poorly, and won't tell her what we've been doing in my presence any more. We are unable to contact her, and bf #2 claims she isn't interested in playing as a group in any form any more, but he and I can continue on our own. He tells me she is fine with everything, but it doesn't ring true.

This is not the way any of us expected it to go. I do not wish to be involved in any situation where anyone is cheating on anyone else. The point to poly was openness and honesty!

Any input welcome!

NeonKaos 08-06-2009 07:54 PM

Sounds like the four of you need to get together and go bowling.

River 08-06-2009 08:37 PM


itsazoo 08-07-2009 01:18 AM

Ok, I get it... it looks like such a no-brainer now that the story is written down and I've come back to look at it again, lol.

But lest someone take the bowling idea literally, it would surely be bf #1's last and final complete mortification to lose to bf #2 at bowling too! Besides the logistical detail that the other woman is away at work about a thousand miles away, lol.

But yes, message received. Thanks!

Of course, I'm still open to any other input.

Lemondrop 08-07-2009 02:59 PM

Yikes. This sets off all kinds of alarm bells. I don't think I'd be able to continue anything with bf#2 unless I'd talked to the female partner. Do you have any relationship with her at all? And if my primary was upset, I'd have to fix that, too, before I could continue. The experience I've had is that if anything feels off, then something needs fixed or it will grow exponentially until something explodes.

redpepper 08-07-2009 05:31 PM

In my experience it is best to put all activity on hold until the girlfriend comes back.... This is hard to do I realize but time works wonders and helps to sort things out and remain respectful to her and the relationship.

I don't think I am getting any of the rest. lol.... geesh, confusing!

Yes, a step away for awhile sounds like a good plan to me...

DestinyWaits 08-08-2009 01:23 AM

Bowling sounds like a good idea but alas it is competitive, I was thinking something less, such as going out to dinner and a movie or maybe a nature hike so you can all just talk and I have to agree that stopping any activity till the other partner gets back would probably be best so you 2 can visit and try to straighten those issues out. I can admit that my advise in this area is not as good as others though as I have no desire to be with other men than my hubby. Good luck with whatever happens, I hope it goes well.

Mark1npt 08-08-2009 04:25 AM

Lemodrop and Redpepper raise great points and make a compelling argument. I'd have to agree with both of them. Destiny, you too.

itsazoo 08-08-2009 06:53 AM


Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 4494)
Lemodrop and Redpepper raise great points and make a compelling argument. I'd have to agree with both of them. Destiny, you too.

Indeed they do!

Yes, I was thinking I'd need to chat with the gf long distance, but really, why not wait until she returns. All sorts of things could happen by then. Realistically, this thing with bf #2 isn't working for either of our partners, and harming existing relationships is not acceptable to me.

I think fixing things with bf #1 is proving beneficial to our relationship, as this has brought up issues we hadn't really thought to discuss or address before. Of course, I'm not the one being torn up on the inside.

Learning how to live a successful poly lifestyle is going to take a lot more work.

Mark1npt 08-08-2009 03:14 PM

I can tell you from the 8 months I've been in a poly lilfe, there's been tons of soul searching, heartache, joy and ecstasy......more frustration than I had ever encountered but then again, more fulfillment, too. Hope you can work things out to your heart's desires......

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