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-   -   When the hottest thing ever is the worst idea ever (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6102)

MaybeSparrow 01-30-2011 06:00 AM

When the hottest thing ever is the worst idea ever
 
I have a BDSM play partner with whom I've been scening with in person for the past few months (we've been talking online/on the phone for a year). We've decided that our relationship is Domme/sub, not girlfriend-boyfriend; we're not having sex with each other; and we are free to have outside relationships. A major aspect of our dynamic is that we aren't part of each other's lives (eg. I tell him that he's my "dirty little secret"). It is super hot.

I also have a friend with benefits, and we have a DADT policy (with a promise to always use protection).

This is fine for now, but maybe some day I won't be an emotionally constipated grad student, and when that day comes I might want a boyfriend. However, I can't continue playing with Sub under our current rules if I want to honestly and ethically be in a relationship that has a level of sharing beyond what I have now with Frienifits. And even if I were to disclose, I don't know that "I have a submissive but you can't ever meet him and I don't want to talk about him ever again" would go over well with most folks.

So naturally, I take this hot mess and turn it over to the Internet. How do I have my cake and eat it too?

nycindie 01-30-2011 06:06 AM

Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet? Enjoy the here and now!

MaybeSparrow 01-30-2011 06:34 AM

Hmm. It sounds crazy, but it just might work... and considering I'm spending my Saturday night sitting around worrying about hypothetical scenarios, I don't think I'm going to be in a meet-cute anytime soon... ;)

AutumnalTone 01-30-2011 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaybeSparrow (Post 63925)
This is fine for now, but maybe some day I won't be an emotionally constipated grad student, and when that day comes I might want a boyfriend. However, I can't continue playing with Sub under our current rules if I want to honestly and ethically be in a relationship that has a level of sharing beyond what I have now with Frienifits.

Um...why not? Seriously, if you were to get involved with me, I wouldn't give a thought to anybody with whom you're not having sex and whom isn't part of your daily life. You seeing him is much the same as you going to watch a chick flick at the theater--have fun and I'll see you later.

Quote:

And even if I were to disclose, I don't know that "I have a submissive but you can't ever meet him and I don't want to talk about him ever again" would go over well with most folks.
The only way to find out is to go through that very situation. I wouldn't care and I doubt that I'm much of an outlier in the poly world. I suspect finding somebody who won't be rattled by that will be easier than you think.

I think that's much the same as telling about a hobby that you don't want as a shared activity--"I disappear into the shed once a week to polish my father's old garden tools, something I don't do with anybody else, so I'm not available then." Would you really want to get involved with somebody who has issues with you getting your dom fix?

Quote:

So naturally, I take this hot mess and turn it over to the Internet. How do I have my cake and eat it too?
Schedule a dinner date with somebody who doesn't care if you have dessert and make certain you have enough time to enjoy it. Order it with extra frosting.

ray 01-30-2011 11:50 PM

As some one that is discovering my interest in the less conventional play world (fetishes and what not) I'm realizing how hard it can be sometimes to find a person to play with. My SO (I'm his secondary-ish) has limited time and even less interest in the stuff I want to try. I think in some ways these things that are so a part of your sexuality are almost like an orientation. I know that I would not be happy in a monogamous relationship that didn't address these needs. So, either you get really, really lucky and find a BF who is into what you like and you don't need anyone else. Or you explain to him that this is something you need and there's a good chance he might be totally ok with that. Especially since he's not too likely to want to volunteer himself. This hypothetical man we keep referring to. And if you're dating in the poly world, I don't see why any of this is even an issue. But I mean, given that you don't have sex, I think you have much better chance of a mono being just fine with the arrangement.

opalescent 01-31-2011 01:46 PM

MaybeSparrow,

Well, your post already contains the solution to your potential disclosure issue. Tell any potential interested party just what you wrote above, that not talking about it is part and parcel of the hotness for you. Be prepared to answer some questions. At that point, I would feel that you have acted responsibly and ethically.

And at the risk of making light of your situation, it would be the perfect time to pull out that handy Fight Club reference!

MaybeSparrow 02-01-2011 01:23 AM

Thanks for lending me some perspective, folks! I had been feeling like maybe I was the worst person ever. I feel much better now. :)

Somegeezer 02-03-2011 12:08 AM

Hottest thing ever that is the worst idea ever... Flying a rocket into the sun. I would expect to be insanely hot and certainly a stupid way to get yourself killed. =]

I have no real words of wisdom that haven't already been said, sorry. =P There are a lot of good words here and you seem to understand fine. =]


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