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-   -   Choosing Polyamory Before Identifying a Second Lover? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61018)

Cherub 10-25-2013 07:20 PM

Choosing Polyamory Before Identifying a Second Lover?
 
I’m wondering if many poly folk realized that they were “wired for poly” or chose to become polyamorous BEFORE realizing that they were truly in love with two people at the same time, neither of which they were willing to lose?

About two months ago, my wife alerted me that she has felt strongly drawn to polyamory for about the last five years, but had not sought a potential second lover / bf, and was doubtful that I would seriously consider permitting her to seek. She told me that she is “wired for poly” and confident that she can love a new partner without lovin me less.

After spending a fair amount of time reading the posts in this forum, it seems that her approach is unusual in that most of the situations I read of here are people who identify as polyamorous only after they realized that they are in love with a second person and wanting to maintain them both as lovers. My wife has been drawn to a friend of her’s situation who for 10+ years has two husbands, and feels that each fills unique needs that she has and my wife explained that this is what she wants / needs if I can accept it, but would reluctantly give it up, if pursuing it meant ending our marriage.

So far, I’ve given her the okay to look and learn, but on a trial basis, as I don’t truly know if this is more than I can accept in reality than in theory, but am willing to let try on that basis. She accepted my terms and has been looking on OKC, with her search going slowly up until this week. She started chatting with a man who very much intrigues her, who says he’s open to her poly intentions, but cautioned her that he is not sure that he’s really looking for a committed long-term romantic relationship, but NOT surprisingly is open to meeting her at least for friendship and if things progress well for both, for meeting their physical desires. She was interested enough to agree to meet him at a coffee shop this weekend, and may eventually allow things to go further, but assured me not on this first date. She appreciated that he was upfront about what his intentions are, if not a little disappointed, and if things don’t develop towards a romance, will continue her search.

My original hope was that it would take a few months longer to find a suitable serious person who understood what she’s really seeking. A lady on this forum, warned me that many guys on OKC view poly women profiles as seeking quick NSA sex. So far I cannot tell if he is one of these who talks a good game, or really is open to being poly, but knows that his career situation is unlikely to keep him in our area for the long term.

Trying to Understand.

Respectfully,
-Cherub

LovingRadiance 10-25-2013 07:29 PM

I didn't. I never encountered the term.
I DID know early on I loved more than one and before I married Maca I was in open relationships for years.
But-I didn't realize there was a word for that.
When I learned, I was already well on my way to destroying my marriage with Maca.

Thankfully-we were all willing to educate ourselves and work together to find a functional family solution.

But-I do have friends who are poly that came to it single or mono and moved into poly dynamics after establishing an agreement with their current partners. So it does happen-but all too often, people don't go searching for information until they are in crisis and need it.

You are fortunate that your wife found information and choose to address that with you before getting herself into a messy sticky disaster. That speaks highly of her ethics and personal responsibility.

central 10-25-2013 08:33 PM

I knew in my teens that poly was very appealing to me - that was over 40 years ago. I was inspired by the novels of Robert Heinlein. I also knew that it would be very difficult to find someone who shared similar views, so by default I lived a mono/married life for many years.

When I divorced, the internet existed, and far more information. I met someone who shared my views, and not only did we become a couple very quickly, we had also met other people while dating who were also comfortable with a poly relationship model. So, we had a primary-secondary style N configuration that lasted a couple of years until our secondaries met others who lured them into primary, monogamous relationships. We were mono for several years thereafter before finding other people - but that's going into another topic.

I think some people know they are either wired for poly or philosophically poly. That may not necessarily translate into real life, however, unless the usual issues and negative emotions (such as jealousy) can be dealt with successfully.

InsaneMystic 10-25-2013 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherub (Post 242164)
I’m wondering if many poly folk realized that they were “wired for poly” or chose to become polyamorous BEFORE realizing that they were truly in love with two people at the same time, neither of which they were willing to lose?

*raises hand* I started subscribing to a philosophical view that I would later learn to already exist and be called "polyamory" in my late teens, thinking about the question "What is love?" (and no, the answer isn't "baby don't hurt me" :p). My first actual relationship, however, didn't happen until I was thirty-two.

I'd never agree to enter a relationship unless it's open right from the start, and I'd definitely identify as poly regardless of the number of people I'm with - zero, one (<< my current sitch for the last five years, and not terribly likely to change soon, mostly because there are very few folks I'm actually compatible with), or more than one. For me, poly is more about rejection of monogamy/exclusivity as a model that does not fit my needs and values, than about any particular lifestyle in actual practice.

nycindie 10-25-2013 11:04 PM

I don't believe in this "wiring" idea, but polyamory is certainly not only about a couple branching out or one person falling in love with two people and discovering poly as a result.

There are lots of people who consider themselves polyamorists athough they might not even be in any relationships at all, and there are plenty, like me, who are solo and happy to remain that way. Most solos have multiple relationships but don't need entangled live-in partnerships.

There are a myriad number of ways to live polyamorously. This site has many types of stories but you will only see what is written by the most prolific posters. Tons more people lurk here, and there are even more poly people who never get online at a site like this to share what kinds of lives they lead. All of them have their own unique stories.

Don't start thinking that there is a "usual" in poly.

JaneQSmythe 10-26-2013 12:33 AM

Like central, I was heavily influenced by the writings of Robert Heinlein (this was before the term "polyamory" was used to describe the type of open and group marriages seen in his novels).

Like InsaneMystic, I really thought hard on the the question of "What is love?" (It is still not a concept that I am entirely certain of).

I had intended to live solo, as nycindie does...my initial conception of how my life would look was very close to what she describes.

Then MrS happened - and my conceptions of love shifted and I wanted the inter-dependent type of marriage that we have developed. But we have never been, strictly speaking, monogamous.

So, the "poly" definitely came before the "love" for me.

JaneQ

Emm 10-26-2013 12:57 AM

Another solo poly here.

I'm not sure how the knowledge that you can love another is able to sneak up on people out of the blue the way you seem to feel is "normal". I'm sure it doesóas you said, a little reading here supports thatóbut it's always struck me as the product of someone having swept all the previous signs under the carpet and then being astonished when the lump gets too big. Your wife is paying attention to the first few crumbs and dust motes rather than imagining them away only to be confronted by them again when she does actually meet someone compatible and can no longer ignore them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherub (Post 242164)
heís open to her poly intentions, but cautioned her that he is not sure that heís really looking for a committed long-term romantic relationship, but NOT surprisingly is open to meeting her at least for friendship and if things progress well for both, for meeting their physical desires.

If that's a direct quote my interpretation is that he's looking for NSA sex, or at most a FB arrangement.

Piroska 10-26-2013 01:37 AM

I remember being confused why both of the adorable 1st grade boys who were fighting over who had kissed me on the cheek couldn't both be my boyfriends.

I read a lot, including a lot of sci fi and fantasy so I was reading Heinlein, McCaffery, and others with non monogamy at a young age.

When I figured out I was bisexual I decided I wanted both a wife and a husband. Since I had also figured out I was something of a submissive switch (bdsm) I decided I wanted a triad with a male dom and a female sub. (Therefore I drew a lot of inspiration from religious polygamy, since that's the closest model I could find.)

When I had my first "serious" relationship with a male I encouraged him to date another girl he found interesting, even though she wasn't interested in me too.

The entire time of my marriage I've encouraged my husband to play with other women if he was interested. For many years I was still in love with my ex, but I was forced to chose.

I didn't actually start researching the term polyamory (and therefore figuring out there are a LOT more configurations than I had previously understood, particularly the idea that I might actually be able to have more than one loving man in my life) until a few years ago. Since then I've deliberately pushed towards a full fledged polyamory model.

Currently, I'm working through the kinks (no pun intended lol) in my first actual relationship with another man that is concurrent with my relationship with one man.

I've always known I had the capacity to love more than one at a time. It doesn't make sense to me, otherwise. I could easily see myself as eventually being the happy slut who loves and plays with many, if it weren't for my habit of attracting D types who forbid it.

So - yup - without knowing the terms, I was poly before I "had" to be.

BigGuy 10-26-2013 02:10 AM

I've identified as poly since the late 70's, before I found the term on usenet in the early 90's. I've yet to personally be involved in more than one relationship simultaneously.

WhatHappened 10-26-2013 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cherub (Post 242164)

So far, Iíve given her the okay to look and learn, but on a trial basis, as I donít truly know if this is more than I can accept in reality than in theory, but am willing to let try on that basis. She accepted my terms and has been looking on OKC, with her search going slowly up until this week. She started chatting with a man who very much intrigues her ....

A lady on this forum, warned me that many guys on OKC view poly women profiles as seeking quick NSA sex. So far I cannot tell if he is one of these who talks a good game, or really is open to being poly...

If she's going to use men on a trial basis to try out poly for the two of you, then you can't be too surprised if they treat her as a trial run, too, to see how they like it.


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