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-   -   Does she really want a triad?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6097)

kapablekeri 01-30-2011 02:24 AM

Does she really want a triad??
Good evening... My story is long so I will try to make it as brief as I can... I need help trying to understand... Let me preface everything that in my heart of hearts.. I do not believe she wants me just him...

3 years ago we fell into a Poly relationship.. He and I have been together on and off for 13 years and have known each other for well over 20. He had ended the relationship with me for various reasons and we were still talking.. He wanted an FB and asked a friend to find him one... He started seeing C. They became a couple.. he fell in love with her... But he still loved me... he broke up with her.. (I had slept with him while he was with her, before I met her.. and with his and my relationship this had occured before, so I didn't feel bad about it until after I met her..) Well he broke up with her and he and I were not back together.. He was spending time with me when I would go visit.. and time with her when I was away... everything was pretty much seperate.. and this was before the poly ever started... Then he began seeing a new girl... and he changed many of his behaviors for acceptance from the young girl... Well anyway one night both C and I were there... and I said to her.. why don't you and I be with him.. so we said that to him... and off we were running.. now.. none of us had given it any thought as to how we would really feel... I know I had just considered that it would be like when she and I were seeing him separately... but boy was I wrong.. We had all sorts of issues and problems..

OK so that was the beginning.. at that stage I was still very monogamous minded... so I had an extremely hard time with them having sex... but the 3 of us had good times together.. well this stage lasted for a couple of months.. and I just couldn't handle it.. so we broke up with her.. and at the same time we moved and I started a job working midnight shift.. about a month after that... he started seeking and sleeping with her again and not talking to me.. I found out when he was working out of town my text messages to a number I didn't know.. looking back now I understand a lot more, because he had fallen in love with her.. and couldn't just walk away.. well then he asked to have her move in... I was very honest and explained I wasn't comfortable with it.. and they both agreed that they would not have sex until I was comfortable with it... I was extremely naive.. anyway.. basically she got all of his time because I was sleeping during the day and working all night.. but I wanted to be the primary.. so I would make him promise me things.. and I wanted a heirerachy.. because I didn't really want a poly relationship... Well things progressed this way for almost 6 months and he couldn't take the tension .. he told both of us to get the f... out... I did, she stayed... and then he made her leave... according to what I was told... so then he was seeing both of us.. and telling me he was only seeing me... at one point he wanted me to move back in and I agreed I would move back in if he would stop seeing her entirely for 3-4 weeks... he couldn't so I didn't move back...

but then I started to examine how I felt about her.. instead of looking at her as his partner I started to consider how I would feel about always having a second partner with him.. and realized that that was what I wanted... so I had moved out in October and I had promised him that I would move back in December.. and he was still seeing both of us ... seperately... and this entire time she had been saying that she really wanted this.. that it was me that didn't want it and she was fully on board...

ok so then I got sick.. so 2009 Dec I was sick.. the 3 of us were supposed to have a "friends" New Years and it didn't happen.. but in late January I went and the 3 of us spent time together.. and I talked to her about the three of us being together.. and that i would never be with him just alone again.. and we agreed to try again with the 3 of us..

Then in March her Mom came to California and the 3 of us met at a hotel.. with her children... and she didn't want me to meet her mother, not even as her friend.. which was very upsetting because it made me feel excluded and not included.. and it was not possible to talk about anything with her kids there.. so that day after they left to meet with her mom I left and returned home, because I didn't want to argue in front of her children..

So then in June we all met for a wine weekend festival.. and things were even worse... then in July I went up there and we had a campground for a week and a half.. and things came to a head.. and she and I were talking about some issues.. but she and I were on thin ice.. and then something happened between him and her and he told her to leave... Which she did, and her children were there with us at the campground too.. anyway she went home with her children for the month of July.. and during the month I was asking her what she really wanted from a relationship.. and he and I talked exhaustively about what we wanted from a poly relationship.. and did a lot of internet research... he and I set some guidelines as to what we were seeking.. and she convinced him and then the two of them convinced me that we should try again... she agreed to a triad.. we all agreed to a triad.. that we would share sex and include each other in what was happening in our lives.. and about 10 ground rules.. that we would all be equal in the relationship.. that we would share..

I left at the beginning of August to go back to schoolf for a semester to get a job.. so we could move forward with our plan of all of us moving to the bay and living together.. and we had all agreed to get our own stuff together so when this happened we could have a more care free living ...

October I went to visit.. and she admitted that when I was at the casino.. she had not wanted the three of us.. that she just wanted a relationship with him.. and that she was having a hard time considering sex with me, because we had discussed in July that since sex had been such an issue that we would invite the 3rd partner for sex.. "the two of us are horny and are going to have sex.. would you like to come watch and or play.." we had already had a number of threesomes at this point.. well during this visit we all went out and had a great time.. both of them were drinking and I was DD.. but when we got home I was able to enjoy some beers and we had a beautiful threesome.. or beautiful to me.. I was able to pleasure her with him.. and when it was my turn.. it turned sour.. but that was ok, because we had just had a beautiful thing.. So the next day she told us that she was completely freaked out about it.. so then we didn't change the rule about inviting the third.. I just knew that things would be slow with her and I.. so then one night she and I were on diffferent couches and pleasured ourselves.. which was also very nice.. and she said that she enjoyed it to.. so I was thinking that is great.. that is progressing nicely..

On this visit she and I also had a conversation about having a relationship with another woman and I had been doing some research so I had discovered.. that a relationship with another woman was not necessarily supposed to be like the relationship with a man.. that there were different aspects.. so I talked about our relationship not having to be centered on the same things the relationship with our honey was.. because we were women and could relate differently...

OK so then I went back to visit for Christmas.. and I spoiled the crap out of both of them.. I spent equally, but both were spoiled because that is what I do for my partners.. The visit was tense because there was some arguing.. between him and I and between him and her.. but we kinda pushed it aside to have our time together.. then I left and came back for new years... and it was completely different.. Her children were there.. and up to this point she had been saying that multiple mommies were great because that just provided more love for the children.. but during this visit she disagreed with basically everything I did with the kids.. and She and he were arguing like cats and dogs.. and I explained to both of them seperately and together that I did not want to get in the middle of their arguments... anyway.. I got sick and my one week visit extended to three weeks... and she had said that there were some serious issues she needed to discuss with both of us.. the night she said that we had a threesome.. and she got up and left when it was my turn to be the focus.. and while I was there they had snuck off to have sex while I was sleeping on the couch... which is against the ground rules.. so my visit was strained to say the least and I was definitely feeling that she wanted a monogamous relationship with him and no relationship with me... so when I left the communication between her and I was limited and I was discussing my concerns with him.. and I voiced them to her as well... anyway he said he would talk to her..

The night he talked to her, about a week ago now, she called me... She explained to me that she didn't want to be with another woman intimately.. that she couldn't wrap her head around it .. that she just wanted to be my best friend... that she and I could be intimate with shopping and talking and other things.. and I said that wouldn't work, because one sex is supremely important to her.. and if she and I couldn't be intimate there would never be that softness between us.. and that what she had expressed she wanted.. a vee.. was not what we had signed up for and that it was not enough for me to just be her bestest friend.. I even asked her what about the two of us on seperate couches as that had been successful before so she and I would have intimate occasions/time together... and she said no.


kapablekeri 01-30-2011 02:25 AM

she also admitted during this conversation that she had said whatever she needed to in July to come back into his life.. so basically on my end my girlfriend just told me she wanted to be my friend... so in my eyes.. it is over between her and I... so she and I talk about this repeatedly for a few days.. and she is relieved that she finally told us... I talk to her about she has now made her choice.. my choice hasn't changed from July and now he will have to decide what he really wants for his life and to be true to himself.

So then the communication between the two of us drops off.. and I talk with him concerning this.. that what I said I wanted in July hasn't changed.. that I want a triad.. that he now needs to consider what he really wants.. and that if he wants to stay with her I understand.. and that if he stays with her and then still wants to be with me.. would he like for our relationship to be open.. to be a poly poly relationship instead of a triad.. so he is stuck between a rock and a hard place because he has a full partner in both of us.. and the triad is now dissolved... so a few days ago.. she has asked him to fix this.. and make it better.. so he convinces me to talk with her on the phone.. for all of us to talk.. so he calls... and instead of her talking she goes on the D and starts arguing and tries to bring up other issues.. anyway during the conversation I ask her was epiphany she has had that she wants all of us again.. she said none.. and we go through the conversation that she and I had ... well it got ugly.. and he told her to leave because she only wants to be my friend... so she left. That was 3 days ago.. and now she is saying again that she can't explain it.. that she loves both of us.. and wants both of us..

Anyway... I think she really just wants to be with him and be my friend... I feel that in my heart of hearts.. because for the 20 months she has been saying she wanted this, even though she didn't...

I appreciate everyone reading this and any input would be appreciated.. I feel bad that she is hurting because I do love her and care about what happens to her... I feel really bad for him because she was his full partner and now he has ended it, even though he didn't want to because she doesn't really want a triad.. and we all discussed it at great length in July.. and when she came home in August we spent 2 full days going over what each of us wanted and agreeing to ground rules....

I am feeling betrayed and upset and just ick... but it was her choice as an adult on what she wants for her life...

OK I am sure I have gone on and on and on... And as you have read this please remember this is my perspective as objective as I can be... Thank you for reading and I hope that someone else can relate and any input is greatly appreciated.. Do I try to trust her again? What could be her perspective? Has anyone every been the one in her shoes? if yes, did you ever really change your mind? any input would be appreciated.. and again thanks for reading my novel..

preciselove 01-30-2011 05:30 AM

I think you need to construct what you want to say a little better, especially with the paragraphs being too long and convoluted. It's like a stream of thoughts.

But the gist of it seems to be there are lots of arguments and people not knowing what they really want. If there are a lot of arguments it means people are bad communicators or with people that have different values than them.

People can change their values, it happens all the time. You just need the right education vehicle to do it. However people that have reacted irrationally over a long period of time have pretty much shown their cards already, that's pretty much what you can look forward to. Sounds like someone in this triad needs to put their foot down and no one is willing to do it.

I would simply say to her, you aren't going to see "US" again unless you get with the program. And the "US" needs to be united on it, not this going behind the back crap and having secret sessions. If you can't find an "US" with your guy, get rid of him and start fresh.

kapablekeri 01-30-2011 05:41 AM

thanks for the feedback.. I will definitely do better next time.. I am just going through it right now and needed some feedback..

What you said makes a lot of sense.. Thank you

GroundedSpirit 01-30-2011 04:00 PM

Hey Kapa,

Well, as Preciselove mentioned, there's a lot strung all rambling together.
But from what I could pull out of it one thing came to mind.

It's seems entirely possible that she may just not be either into you sexually (giving to you) or may be uncomfortable with her own bisexuality. She is kind of ok with you taking care of her but mostly because he's in the picture. Alone she might not even go for that.

This is a guess.

However, even given this, it's entirely possible for you three to have a nice relationship. But you (especially her) all need to just be honest about the little details like this. There's ways to express our preferences without it being personally offensive. And ways to HEAR these preferences without taking it personally ! Adults - right ?

It can absolutely work for him to be center of attention and you guys to be close friends with some sexual boundaries. And maybe you can continue pleasing her (if that means a lot to you) without expecting her to reciprocate. You can work that out between you. Just be honest about desires & comfort levels. In short - be respectful & loving !

Good luck !


kapablekeri 01-30-2011 05:03 PM

thanks for your insight..

Magdlyn 01-31-2011 12:29 PM

I am so leery of triads where each partner is supposed to be equally into both others emotionally and sexually. It seems as rare as can be.

I had a similar experience when my ex and I first opened our marriage. The gf said she'd be interested in being with both of us sexually, but it turned out she really wasn't. She just wanted him.

That's why they call them unicorns, these desired single bisexual women who are eager and able to enter into a relationship with an established couple, satisfy them both sexually, and not leave either of them feeling left out, ever.

It's a very hard thing to do, and I've not seen many successful examples of it on this board in the year I have been here. I've seen plenty of hurts and lies and breakups and wishful thinking and re-tries and vague text messages and sneaking around.

BTW, I didnt mind your long stream of consciousness OP. It's good to vent and get it all out. Sometimes when you do that, you can reread it several times and come up with your own conclusions about what happened in the past, and decisions about how to proceed in the future, get your needs met, and heal.

kapablekeri 02-01-2011 12:39 AM

thank you ...
Thank you for your words... I really appreciate it.. It is just a big huge ugly mess... and I have offered and open relationship to him so he can still be with her.. but he doesn't want that any more than I really do... and truthfully I wanted to have sex with her... and I am ok with it taking time etc... but she couldn't even be in a threesome when it was my turn to be the focus.. so it is just a huge mess...

And yes I definitely needed to vent and let it out... because I can't keep hammering him without hurting him more... and I am unable to talk with her about anything at the moment...

Thank you so much for your post

Magdlyn 02-01-2011 02:45 PM

Youre welcome. When my ex and I tried that triad, and it went so wrong, I got super depressed. We went into couples therapy for a year, and i went to individual therapy for 3 years. It helped me a lot. Didnt save our marriage, but we had other problems as well.

Now I am in a great poly relationship w my current SO. We both get our own secondaries, tertiaries,etc~!!! None of this sharing bs.

Good luck on your journey. I know exactly how hard it is.

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