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-   -   Making full circles (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6075)

Lobster 01-29-2011 10:32 AM

Making full circles
 
Ok so just when I think I am making headway in accepting things and appreciating what this is about for red and monster and that this isn't about shutting me out. The deep dark side of me comes out and I loose it. For those of you who might be reading this and don't know the whole story, a few months ago my wife asked me if she could open our marriage to another man. At first it I was hurt and enraged as I suspect most people are when this happens, but as time went on I tried to accept what she told me she needed for her happiness. I don't fully understand why she needs this for her happiness but I want her to be happy so I do this for her. First I was insecure, blamed myself for not being enough for her, tried to be more, crawled up her ass for a while, was an absolute ass whole to the both of them, and just generally put them through Hell.
At one point I thought that if I had someone else this would all make sense. There was a girl who I talked to who cheated on her husband before and was willing to do so again for me. However, the one thing that makes complete and utter sense to me about poly is honesty. It is the one thing I grasp to and keeps me looking at this forum rather than running back into my shell of my former self and curling up in the fetal position and loosing it all over again. So that started the questioning of what it was that she really wanted and unable to get a straight answer from her more than one time, and realizing that I didn't like the guilt I felt when I thought about being with her, and the fact that red spending time with someone else and that if I were spending time with someone on top of that I was loosing too much time with her.
Circumstances keep changing too, thanks to recent events red is now monster's only, so I now I worry that monster will eventually not be satisfied with the time that I am willing to give up, and begin asking for more and eventually it will either cause a rift between them or between us. I know that their relationship is an unpredictable ever changing thing and that no one could ever be sure of what would or could happen but I want to be her primary and I don't want that to change. She reassures me that's not going to change but I worry. Its hard for me not to worry, and I am still struggling with all of the things that I would assume that anyone who gets introduced into this the same way I did, the time, the nights alone, the physical aspects.
I have tried so many times in so many ways to get it out of my head but I can't seem to do it. So I come back around to feeling hurt and wanting to be the only again, being angry at her for wanting this. Then its back to her happiness and making sure that I can stand by her in this. Round and round it goes, its hurting me and more importantly I am hurting her by not being stable. Its not fair to do this to her. Is there anything I can do to stop this cycle to finally just be happy. I know that there is a long road ahead I just need a little help I think.

FlameKat 01-29-2011 11:07 AM

perhaps if you could bullet point/list the things you worry about/fear...

then attack them with what you know deep down is the truth about them...

i.e. he may want more time.... attack: you have an agreement that is unbreakable unless negotiated... attack: red will honor your needs as well as his... Attack: it is your decision too and they will both honour that...

I don't know if that will help any?

and just for good measure... big hugs :D

SNeacail 01-29-2011 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lobster (Post 63819)
For those of you who might be reading this and don't know the whole story, a few months ago my wife asked me if she could open our marriage to another man.

Don't be so hard on yourself. A few months ago, is not that long ago. Read through some of the blogs, you are not the only one on this rollercoaster, people who have been on this ride for years are still struggling. I'm not saying that you won't find the peace you need, just don't beat yourself up about needing that extra reassurance now and again.

Lobster 01-29-2011 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 63840)
Don't be so hard on yourself. A few months ago, is not that long ago. Read through some of the blogs, you are not the only one on this rollercoaster, people who have been on this ride for years are still struggling. I'm not saying that you won't find the peace you need, just don't beat yourself up about needing that extra reassurance now and again.

I have read a lot, like I said, i know this isn't going to fix itself tomorrow. its just a very hard road to walk sometimes. It does make me feel better when I read and see that I am not alone. I am glad to have a place like this where I can reach out for support without getting some of the attacks that I get from most people about how horrible she is for asking this of me, and how stupid I am for even trying it. I just worry about needing the reassurance more than she can give. 4 kids, she's got a full plate already without me adding too it. I know that she is going to try, but I don't want her to burn out.

ImaginaryIllusion 01-29-2011 07:09 PM

You're right about it being a long road...and I find it requires a lot of introspection and soul searching, and sometimes what we find out about ourselves in the process isn't always pretty.

Sometimes I think it's almost like poly is this vast unexplored forest...and we all have to blaze our own trails through it. It takes a lot of effort for apparently little progress, and as people lost in the woods sometimes we find ourselves back in the same place we started, having put forth all the effort just to end up walking in circles (Blair Witch Project anyone??).

It can be all to easy to allow despair to accompany us on this journey, but he's not a terribly useful fellow when it comes to moving forward...or at all. Hope or Faith, or both are far more useful, and usually far sexier (which is probably why some people name their daughters after her...either that or they want them to be strippers when they grow up). All we can do is keep trying to find our way through...

Glad you are still trying...keep the faith brother, and you'll find your way.

Hannahfluke 01-29-2011 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lobster (Post 63855)
I have read a lot, like I said, i know this isn't going to fix itself tomorrow. its just a very hard road to walk sometimes. It does make me feel better when I read and see that I am not alone. I am glad to have a place like this where I can reach out for support without getting some of the attacks that I get from most people about how horrible she is for asking this of me, and how stupid I am for even trying it. I just worry about needing the reassurance more than she can give. 4 kids, she's got a full plate already without me adding too it. I know that she is going to try, but I don't want her to burn out.

I worry about that with my husband too, that he'll get sick of reassuring me that he loves me still, that him loving his girlfriend doesn't change that. So sometimes I don't ask and hold it all in. Then I end up exploding about stupid little things, because the pressure has built up. We've talked about it and he'd much rather reassure me as things happen and take the little bit of time it'll take to reassure me as it's happening, then have me repress it when I need it. The time and energy required to repair everything when I explode is much more than if I'd just ask for help when I needed it. Plus then we have to deal with the anger created by the explosion. I'm working on getting better.

On the flip side, I don't mind reassuring my husband that he's important to me and my dating other people doesn't change that. Doesn't change the fact that I want and need him in my life.

My husband and his girlfriend just celebrated their 2 year anniversary and I'm still dealing with needing reassurance, so don't feel bad that you need it after a few months. I don't think it's a bad thing to need reassurance every once in a while.

Hannah

redevil 01-29-2011 07:19 PM

Burn out is an honest possibility for me right now. HOWEVER we are taking steps to help with that. You are trying as hard as you can..I do get caught off guard by the 180 turns you make sometimes but if you give me a sec, I can usually follow again. We are forging our own path here and the 3 of us are trucking right along with our 2 steps forward and 1 back pace. It's what's working for us. :)

dragonflysky 01-29-2011 10:48 PM

Well I'm not sure this will be helpful....but it's truthful. I was the "outside" person in the poly relationship. "They" were the initial couple. I wasn't supposed to be a "secondary".....but he burned out...got overwhelmed...and now I'm the one left out. He's still with his original partner.


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