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-   -   Let's try this again.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=607)

AJbear77 08-06-2009 02:15 PM

Let's try this again....
I wrote my life story basically, and when I went to post it, it said I was not logged in. I will try my best to break it down because I don't have all the energy to write that again, lol.

-I am a gay female in a 9 year closed relationship with a bi female. We moved in right away and have been pretty much married ever since
-When I was first exposed to swinging/open relationship/polyamory about 5 years ago (I know the difference between all but was exposed to all at the same time) I was very threatened by it, had a negative emotional response and since I am very introspective, have been trying to understand why ever since.
-I have always been insecure in our relationship that she would meet a man and leave me for him, because she has been with a lot of men and been married, etc.
- We love each other immensely and thinking of ever being a part causes us great pain
- still, we recently had a talk about the idea of an open relationship and she did admit to missing men, not that she had to act on it. I have only been with one other female and it was a dysfunctional relationship and I have always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman because i was almost 23 when I met my partner.
- I can't imagine sharing my partner with a man (as illogical as it sounds. Intellectually I see how this is wrong, emotionally is another story) and have this fear that opening this can of worms was not a good idea
- I don't know if I could share myself with another woman. the idea sounds nice, but like what i have read by Mono (of Redpepper and Mono) I feel the same. I think I am one of those that can only have those deep emotions for one person, and sex is only good for me if those deep emotions are present.
- how do either of us know if bringing someone else into our relationship will not destroy us. And I am not keen on the risks of trial and error
- I am sad that she wants to be with a man. I feel like I can't compete with that. I am not intimidated by women because they just don't threaten me. Men do for some reason. Again, sorry. I am working on understanding that one now.

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay. If it is someone who respects our life partnership and can love and respect me as a person, well, then that sounds nice. I think it would be hard to find,though. I would not say I would not foresee problems, as I think there still would be. It is just now that we had these conversations, I worry that she will want this now and I don't know if I can handle it. I have been shaky and had an upset stomach since we have been talking about this since last week. I don't know what to do or think anymore...I just don't know.

Please go easy on me. I know there are a lot of atheist here, but I am spiritual and going through a spiritual awakening and have been for a few years consciously. There is a tug-of-war going on between my ego and my higher self or whatever. I feel the internal battle. I trying to cut through fear, but it is really hard.

MonoVCPHG 08-06-2009 02:51 PM


Originally Posted by AJbear77 (Post 4281)

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay. If it is someone who respects our life partnership and can love and respect me as a person, well, then that sounds nice. .

I need to clarify one thing here. The person I am now is completely understanding of Redpepper bringing a woman into her life. I simply can't provide the energy or physical intimacy a woman can so it is easier for me to understand. As the person I am now, I cannot pretend that the concept of another "intimate" man coming into our relationship would not change it. It would.

I think she will be able to offer a good perspective into this though.

Take care and always do what keeps you healthy.

MonoVCPHG 08-06-2009 02:54 PM


Originally Posted by AJbear77 (Post 4281)

But, then I read things like what Mono writes, and he sounds so loving and non-intimidating and non-threatening and think, well, if she found someone like him, it may be okay.

Sorry, I misread this..this was sort of a compliment:)

AJbear77 08-06-2009 02:57 PM

something more
I thought of. I guess I am trying to get to a point if we are monogamous because we WANT to be....that that is the only thing that makes sense, or because of fear. Fear as it concerns ourselves, fear as it concerns the other. I don't wan to tell her No, you can't do this. I don't want her to tell me No, I can't do something. Ya know?! That is where I struggle the most, as I don't WANT her to fall in love with someone else, I want her to only feel overwhelming love for me, but I don't want her to feel that she has to force herself to only have feelings for me.

I can definitely say that polyamory does not come natural to me in that i can't see myself with just one person for the rest of my life. I can! I am not like some I read where that 'C' (comergence?? i don't remember) word just comes naturally - that it just makes sense that I love other people and want my partner to love other people. More power to ya. I could consider myself attracted to the idea of polyamory as I did fall for someone while being with my partner, but we had been very distant and had problems, so I can't honestly say I fell for this other female because I am able to love 2 people at once and it wasnt because I was lonely and missing something. I told my partner immediately when me and this woman acknowledged our feelings for each other. We never acted on them.

AJbear77 08-06-2009 02:58 PM

Yes Mono - It was not sorta a comment, it was genuinely one ; )

MonoVCPHG 08-06-2009 03:13 PM

For me, honoring, respecting, and in fact holding the relationship of Redpepper and her husband above all else is a matter of loving both of them. This is my contribution to the strenght of our "v". I love both of them and thier son in a way that is not selfish or possessive. Thier growth and connection is internally more important than my own needs and wants in this. This isn't a sad thing, it is a profound sense of love I have never felt before.

Thanks for the compliment..Redpepper could still have done better, just a little bit of poly in me would have been nice. Sounds like you may have that.:D

redsirenn 08-06-2009 04:12 PM

I am new to the polyamory world too. I am currently dating someone with the intent on opening up our relationship to other loves. I understand how you feel - every time Ourobors mentioned this idea earlier it freaked me out. All the thoughts you posted ran thru my head as well.

If she is not considering exploring this right now, just take some time to think about it for yourself. There is no need to force yourself to believe one thing or another, just sit with it for a while and talk to her when you feel comfortable or when you have questions.

Time and patience will probably reveal alot to you both. There isn't really any need to rush, especially if you feel uncomfortable right now. But remember to keep an open mind, and try to develop your own, independent thoughts about this. It is best if you come to an opinion or conclusion based on YOUR true feelings, not because of someone else - although they might open your eyes to begin with.

The goal, to me anyhow, is to feel centered in my decision and to be sure I am looking out for myself at all times.

XYZ123 08-06-2009 05:59 PM

Right now it is not a reality, but an idea. Which means you (hopefully) have time to think about it, talk it over, and ask any questions you might have. Keep the conversations with our gf open and honest and let her know your thoughts and fears. It doesn't seem as if you need to come to a conclusion immediately so give yourself time and relax. I've had one true poly relationship since being married and all of these thoughts filled my head as well. Just as they fill my head again now when considering seeking a new relationship in the future (first didn't work out).
I do wonder what it is about men specifically that threatens you. As a bisexual woman married to a man, I can see why he isn't up for opening our relationship to another man. But a woman does not threaten him as he could never provide for the same physical and emotional needs as a woman. I'd like to understand your reasons should you figure those out. And maybe some of the men here can help calm those fears.

vandalin 08-06-2009 07:02 PM

One thing that might help is something my husband has come to accept. I am the poly person in our relationship although we have yet to fully achieve a third for our "V".

Love is not a zero-sum game. Meaning, just because someone else is receiving love from your partner, doesn't mean you are loved any less. This is where the silimarity to having more than one child come into play, would you love child A any less when child B is born or comes into your life? Did you love your partner any less when you found yourself falling for the other woman you mentioned?

And for most people COMPERSION (that c word :) ) takes time and effort, especially if you are not used to a poly lifestyle. My husband is working on it for me and I know that if he ever choose to find another partner, I would have to work hard to have it for him even though I am of the poly persuasion.

Whatever happens, talk about it, be honest and open. If you are uncomfortable tell her and most importantly figure out why. Then you can ask yourself if it is a good reason or a fear that can be attacked and destroyed. If you do choose to go and attempt a poly relationship, go SLOW.

Things to think about, are you threatened by any male friends (plutonic) that she has? Why or why not? I am also curious as to what it is about men that you find threatening.

Good luck and keep thinking and questioning!

AJbear77 08-06-2009 07:10 PM

I don't know xyz
I would love to know why, too. I have narrowed it down to a couple of good ideas:

-I was not hardly around any men as I was growing up because of my mom's own intimacy issues with men. I did not even meet my father until I was 15. But on the rare few occasions my mother was with a man in my life, her attention turned from me to the man she was with...and I felt forgotten and abandoned. This was hard as I was an only child and the focus of my moms attention until the men entered the picture. This is only something that has even come into my mind in the past few days as an 'Aha' thing.
-My only past girlfriend and my first love, left me for a man.
-I am a very attractive gay female that is decently feminine and no one ever suspects I am gay. I am very confident about who I am and what I am able to offer as a woman and a lover. No other woman threatens me about that. Not so with a man. I don't like the idea that a man can penetrate her and I can't. This is WAY more intimacy than I am able to have...the ability to feel her inside, and I don't want to share her in a way that I am not able to have her if that makes sense. A man can do whatever I am able to do (although probably not as well ; ) )

That is about all I have come up with so far. I know I need to work on my unhealthy attitude towards men. I mean, they are fine so long as they are not a threat to me concerning my near and dear. I am not a man hater.

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