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-   -   Definitions and all that such stuff... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=605)

DestinyWaits 08-06-2009 11:20 AM

Definitions and all that such stuff...
Ok, I was trying to explain the differences in "Open", "Swinger", and "Poly" relationships to a friend of mine the other day who was asking a lot of questions (the woman is in a normal relationship but asks questions cause she finds me and my lifestyle different and interesting) and I'm not so sure I did the definitions justice because I think I have her more confused than she started :p..she did have one question that I thought was good and honestly I couldn't answer for her except for to tell her it was and emotional thing as opposed to a sexual thing...she said "I understand what you are saying but honestly what is the difference and if you are seeing more than one or two people isn't it all the same thing?" Usually I'm great with words but for some reason I just stared at her and she actually giggled at me..I punched her in the arm for that one! Can anyone help me with a response for that one because I would like to give her something more than just "it's an emotional thing instead of a sexual thing".

Quath 08-06-2009 01:34 PM

I have a hard time explaining that to my wife. On some level, she finally gets it, but she still sees it as a sexual.

When I have to explain it, I just say that poly and swinging are both "open" or nonmonogamous. I see swinging and polyamory on a scale based on the emphasis. Swinging is more about the sex and polyamory is more about the love. But there is a lot of cross over.

The example I usually give is that polyamory just states that love is not a finite resource... so why limit love? So it is not so much about "doing" something but instead it is an expression of philosophy. If we are capable of loving many people, then the question can easily be reversed back to "Why choose monogamy?"

AutumnalTone 08-06-2009 07:24 PM

There are times I scratch my head over the difficulty folks have in sorting out the differences between poly and swinging. The best phrasing I've found to differentiate them is to refer to swinging as polyfuckery. That's cleared things up for lots of people. Fucking around is nowhere close to having multiple close relationships. Most folks know somebody who is always playing the field, picking up new sexual partners and never building relationships with them--that works as a basic description of swinging when applied to couples. Swinging is primarily about sexual variety and poly is about emotional variety.

It has to do with the strength of ties, too. When I was still involved with my recent ex, the discussions my wife and I were having about where to move in the future expanded to include my ex--she was part of the family and had a major stake in the decision. Were I just involved with her sexually, she wouldn't have been included in that discussion.

NeonKaos 08-06-2009 07:51 PM


Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 4354)
There are times I scratch my head over the difficulty folks have in sorting out the differences between poly and swinging.

It's because some folks are able to enjoy sex without being "in love", while others cannot separate the two.

"Swinging" is what you would find at Hedonism II during "Lifestyle Week".

"Poly-A" is something ABOUT you, whether you "practice" or not.

A "non-practicing swinger" is an oxymoron.

I apologize for my cavalier use of the word "is".

km34 02-16-2012 03:19 AM

"Polyfuckery" come up in a thread on another forum I'm a member of (swinging based), so I decided to search the term over here to see what came up. This was the thread closest to the concept that I was interested in so I've decided to try to revive it and see where the people here stand...

My main questions/topics of interest is: What is the difference between polyfuckery and swinging? Between polyfuckery and polyamory?

I found a couple of interesting sources...

This defines polyfuckery as "getting down with many without giving two shits about any," which I would argue is different from swinging because in general most swingers do care about the people they have sex with in general, even if they don't want to pursue a lasting relationship (whether friendship or other) with their playmates. I would also say that it is different from polyamory because of the "amor" part. Polyfuckery would be people who just have sex with others selfishly, without even concerning themselves with whether or not their partner experienced much pleasure and completely move on whereas polyamory would indicate some sort of deeper feeling (i.e. love) even if it is a short term relationship.

This is a debate/discussion on exactly what I am trying to initiate here... Definitions of various terms. Some of the people believe that polyfuckery IS polyamory. Some people are adamant that it is not even CLOSE to being polyamory..

I suppose all I want is a sort of census on where those that participate in this forum stand.

AutumnalTone 02-16-2012 03:39 AM

I used polyfuckery to denote sport fucking, or just having sex partners to have sex. I used the term to refer to swinging without any thought that it might also apply to plain, old screwing around without regard to any form of ethical nonmonogamy.

I simply used it to contrast with polyamory, which is about multiple romantic partners. That one can have romantic partners and not have sex with them, it's difficult to justify using any "-fuckery" term for polyamory--sex isn't a requirement.

I differentiate between swinging, open, and polyamory. The former seems to be primarily a joint effort of a couple without intent to develop new romantic ties, the next to be primarily about individual efforts without intent to develop new romantic ties, and the latter to be about developing new romantic ties (whether individually or as a unit).

I don't know that I'd really bother worrying about what to call unethical nonmonogamy of any sort.

AnnabelMore 02-16-2012 03:53 AM

To me, polyfuckery is just a silly term to contrast with polyamory. For instance, if your rules with your partner are that you can sleep with whoever you want but you can't fall in love, I'd call that polyfuckery, and I'd probably only use that term in order to directly contrast with polyamory. For instance, "We engage in polyamory but without emotions allowed!" "Ok, no, amor means love, what you're doing is polyfuckery."

So I'm not sure it has an independent definition, I think maybe it exists only in counterpoint.

I think of swinging as being a specific community and type of lifestyle that's focused on couples and sometimes bi females (lesbians, bi dudes, single dudes, gay dudes, and transsexuals don't seem to be invited to the swinging party, so to speak? am I mistaken about that?), characterized by sex for fun, sometimes with warm feelings, but no real independent dating/relationships. In contrast, polyfuckery, like polyamory, seems to me to be, in connotation, less limited in terms of gender, orientation, and configuration.

AnnabelMore 02-16-2012 03:55 AM

Oh, also, in my mind swinging implies that generally you're open to having sexual contact with relative strangers, whereas polyfuckery could occur exclusively with people you know well.

AnnabelMore 02-16-2012 04:08 AM

It occurs to me that I could be completely wrong about all of my conceptions of swinging, having gained my knowledge exclusively from people who've mentioned it here.

redpepper 02-16-2012 11:35 PM

Well, having done a search, I came upon a whole thread called "polyfuckery." It might help to do a search and see te others there too. Here's the thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ht=polyfuckery

As far as I recall the term "polyfuckery" is used for a type of "poly-dating" whereby the person is engaging in poly for sexual exploits only. They like to find people to have sex with and don't really have a need for any more depth than that. Not that its wrong or unkind, just very clearly the relationships they have are for sex. Often they don't pass that info on and it can lead to confusion, assumptions of something more and they portray themselves and untrustworthy, uncommunicative and insensitive/inconsiderate. Some poly people take issue with this as its not generally thought of as best poly practice to be that way. Poly people tend to promote open honest communication, consideration, promoting integrity etc. (You can do a tag search for "foundations" if you want more).

Kind of like how someone the other day told me that they didn't understand ho anyone wouldn't be poly because it meant more sex. This person, to me, was an example of someone who is a polyfucker, :p.

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