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-   -   Opening the Relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=60307)

polydisputes 10-22-2013 06:17 PM

Opening the Relationship
 
My partner and I have been dating for a year and a half. I am a lesbian who fell in love with a poly man. We both agreed that we would be poly since he is and I will need us to be since I primarily like girls. Last January we decided we would have our relationship closed for a year and a day to focus on building a strong foundation, since we are primaries.

My problem right now is that I am paranoid that he might be setting up his past relationships for when we open. Him getting involved with other people doesn't bother me, not knowing about it does. I have not proof that he is doing such a thing, but I know that he talks to his ex all the time and won't tell me what their interactions are about.

I do not know what to do about my paranoia, I know it's irrational. But my fear is that I will have no secondaries when we open up and he will have a deep relationship and get caught up in the energy of that. I don't know what to do about this and i don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding accusatory.

PolyinPractice 10-22-2013 08:24 PM

So, what? You're just going to worry obsessively every time he talks to someone? Don't be ridiculous. And where do you think secondaries come from? You think you buy them at a store? Build out your own friendships and stop worrying about his. ...

polydisputes 10-22-2013 08:38 PM

The problem is he is not telling me. We agreed to be open and honest about everything, and when we talked about opening up the relationship on of our agreements was to never hid any love interests or crushes. The point is we said we would not develop any other relationships right now, so I have not been developing mine because I respected that agreement. I'm worried he may not be holding true to that and may be working on another relationship behind my back. Be honest to your partner is the difference between polyamory and polyfuckery.

pulliman 10-22-2013 08:49 PM

I'd say that if you agreed to be open and honest and feel that he's doing something hidden and dishonest, then you have reason to talk to him. But, since he can't prove that he's not doing what you fear, it might be more that you two figure out what it is that you're afraid of. Pull him in as a partner in the conversation, rather than working from a place of fear, perhaps.

Since you name his ex(es), do you fear that he's trying to rebuild something there? Do you know enough about their pasts to know why they are no longer together and not presently together? I'm the kind of person who likes to know a person's past, so I'd ask about the person, regardless of what's going on in the present. Might give you information about what's going on in the present, too...

PolyinPractice 10-22-2013 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polydisputes (Post 241150)
The point is we said we would not develop any other relationships right now, so I have not been developing mine because I respected that agreement.

Sorry, but by "any relationships," do you really mean "any"? No other friendships allowed?

I've definitely had friends who stopped any and all interactions with friends. While all well and good, if you want to have another relationship there to support you, you need to start nurturing them now.

Marcus 10-22-2013 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polydisputes (Post 241150)
The point is we said we would not develop any other relationships right now, so I have not been developing mine because I respected that agreement.

How did he feel when you told him you think he is not trustworthy and is developing romantic relationships even though he "agreed" not to do so?

Ariakas 10-23-2013 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polydisputes (Post 241120)
I do not know what to do about my paranoia, I know it's irrational. But my fear is that I will have no secondaries when we open up and he will have a deep relationship and get caught up in the energy of that. I don't know what to do about this and i don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding accusatory.

Paranoia is sometimes simply bred by lack of knowledge. Try asking him.

But really, even if he is building friendships that may be relationships.. so what? Thats sometimes how this works. Every poly relationship I have had was built up like that so far. I would meet someone, chat, talk, become friends.. something would flare, we would end up dating. :)..

Unless he is actively dating, I don't see how he is breaking the rules.

Unless of course you want to know every detail about every personal relationship. But thats a whole other challenge. :)

london 10-23-2013 07:57 PM

Not being honest with your partner(s) is't called polyfuckery, its called being a douche. Polyfuckery is basically having multiple sexual relationships. If I understand this correctly, he terminated other relationships to give you your year of monogamy, or "foundation building" and now you are worried he will rekindle those relationships. To be honest, if I have understood correctly, I'd be nervous too. He previously treated people like disposable commodities and he might do the same to you.

If that isn't the case, then you simply have trust issues that won't be conducive to healthy poly relationships. This might be because he has given you reason to mistrust him or because you just jar trust issues. Either way, they will fuck things up, long term. You need to establish whether he is trustworhy and then make your decisions from there.

alibabe_muse 10-26-2013 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polydisputes (Post 241150)
The problem is he is not telling me. We agreed to be open and honest about everything, and when we talked about opening up the relationship on of our agreements was to never hid any love interests or crushes. The point is we said we would not develop any other relationships right now, so I have not been developing mine because I respected that agreement. I'm worried he may not be holding true to that and may be working on another relationship behind my back. Be honest to your partner is the difference between polyamory and polyfuckery.

I have a problem with discussing things with my DH (primary if we need to label) and that's mostly because I could be chatting up with 1 guy or 20 guys but until the guy and I actually start making plans to meet or have sex (sometimes I might want to skip the date and get down to business) I really don't feel that I have some one new (a secondary) in my life. I mean seriously, I am not even sure I want to meet someone, if there is even a connection, so why would I tell DH there's a possibility that there's a possibility I might possibly make a date with so and so. It's hard for DH to understand this because I'm not trying to hide any thing from him, I just don't feel like I'm at a point where this other person is even viable as a relationship meet & great. kwim?

So your man talks to ex's, what's wrong with that? Why can't you talk to ex's? And just because he's talking to an ex, doesn't mean he's broken this promise the two of you have. What if this ex is truly a best friend he needs, whether or not he has romantic feelings for asaid person? When you open, do you plan on dating others? Dating women only or both women and men?

This insecurity your feeling, I admit I felt it many times with DH (never about someone else) and it usually was because he didn't feel comfortable enough to open up a discussion with me on his feelings. Maybe your man is feeling this from you. He wants to communicate but you're giving him definite signs you are not ready to communicate.

Maybe help him out and open up your communication with "So our day to go "open" is fast approaching, do you still want to stay closed or continue with our plans to open"? That way you bring it up without sounding crazy jealous and are asking for an evaluation of the status of your closed relationship.


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