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-   -   An Update (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=597)

TankDiveGirl 08-05-2009 04:35 PM

An Update
Hi Everyone,

Sorry I've been gone for so long; things have been pretty hectic and crazy around here.

So this is an update to the thread you can find in the new to poly forum, but i figured i'd put it in here since it's kindof off topic but still on topic? If that makes any sense.

Old thread is here

Alright, so since June a lot of stuff has happened. I have had very little to no contact with S, and he's started dating someone who happens to be a friend of my wife's... Interesting... we had initially thought that that relationship wouldn't last more than a few weeks simply because of what we know about him and what we know about her, but AFAIK they're still together. Great, more power to them, and if they're happy, cool.

L and I have been really working on our relationship and our marriage, and things have started to get better. We still have some bumps in the road, of course, but things are way way better than they were at the end of my relationship with S. L continues her relationship with her other partner, who is in a different city for the summer due to school and job, etc. They see each other when they can.

I have recently started dating a man that I've known for about 2 years, give or take. He's about a year and a half younger than i am, really laid back, understands the situation, desperately wants everything open and on the table (not like S, who was willing to hide things to get his way). The three of us have been doing a lot of stuff together, and L loves him. She wanted to know why we weren't dating 6 months ago (he used to drunk text me fairly often, and I've known that he was interested for a while, but i didn't think of him as more than a friend, etc.)... So we're trying it. For the moment, everyone feels good and it's working, and things are moving along really well. We'll see what happens.

I'm sure i'll be around more often now that school is about to start again... =)


Mark1npt 08-05-2009 04:47 PM

Nice to hear the update jamie....I think we've all had that friend at one time or another who we probably should've hooked up with but never did...good luck and good loving in your future!

vandalin 08-05-2009 05:30 PM

I wish you luck too. You seem to be having more success with that "should have" friend then I am. ;) And thanks for the update!

AutumnalTone 08-05-2009 05:50 PM


Originally Posted by TankDiveGirl (Post 4149)
L and I have been really working on our relationship and our marriage, and things have started to get better. We still have some bumps in the road, of course, but things are way way better than they were at the end of my relationship with S. L continues her relationship with her other partner, who is in a different city for the summer due to school and job, etc. They see each other when they can.

I have recently started dating a man that I've known for about 2 years,

Well, hot damn! I'm a sucker for happy stories!

TankDiveGirl 01-22-2011 04:21 AM

Long Time, No Post (A Novel! Sorry!)
Hi Everyone!

It's been a LONG time since I posted here! I haven't forgotten about you all, things have been really really tough around here for quite some time, and I haven't had a whole lot of internet access. Fortunately though, that will change shortly.

So i wanted to give you guys an update, those of you who might remember me and my situation.

S and I never got back together. In fact, he ended up seeing me with another man, who i had just started dating, who he never even knew existed, and instead of speaking to me about it or asking questions, he jumped to conclusions and sent my wife, L, threatening text messages. So, this was, as you can imagine, completely uncalled for. S and I did not speak throughout this. He was dating a girl who my wife has been friends with for more than 10 years and had not told her that he had possibly been exposed to the STI that my wife and i both carry (not life threatening, just annoying), and my wife was the one who told this girl that, though he and i had always had protected sex, there was still a small chance that she had been exposed. She, of course, got super pissed, and we thought that would be the end of the relationship between S and my wife's friend (also S, so i'll avoid confusion there. This is complicated enough!) It wasn't, but that's neither here nor there.

I ended up dating my secondary for about 4 months, but it never went anywhere because i really didn't find him physically attractive. He was one of my best friends, had an incredible mind, but i just couldn't sleep with him. We parted amicably, or so i thought, still friends, still hanging out, whatever.

My relationship with my wife was rocky for a while, but in the last 6 months has improved incredibly. We're almost back to where we were before i started dating S. I have no real desire to date anyone at the moment, but poly is still on the table for both of us, should the right person come along. I've learned a whole lot about what to do and what not to do, we've talked and talked and talked, and we're both okay with where things are right now.

So that's the good part.

Now the weird part.

S has been dating my wife's friend for about 18 months, give or take. For about the first year they were dating, he had me and L blocked from his facebook, but recently unblocked us and friend requested me again. I didn't think anything of it, friended him, figured that i'd not speak to him and just have him as my facebook friend and life would go on as normal.

This morning I got a facebook message from him that just says "call me". Now, ive gotten a new phone and number since he and i were together and LONG since deleted his contact info, but i wrote back for him to send me his number and i would call him. He sent his number about 4 hours ago, but I'm absolutely terrified to call. I have no idea why he wants to speak to me. L knows, i told her as soon as i got the original message, and she's curious as well, but she understands my apprehension. My mind is churning, but i've already decided that i will not be rekindling our relationship. I believe he had unrealistic expectations of what poly really is, and I also feel that the things he said to my wife make having another intimate relationship with him impossible. I'd still be his friend, but i'm even willing to cut that off, should he attempt to take our contact further than friendship.

THAT being said. AUGH! I had really basically just gotten to the point that i didn't even really think about him about 6 months ago. For him to contact me out of the blue like this has really flipped my @&*%(.

Anyway, thanks for listening, all. Hopefully I'll be back to being a regular poster here again soon.


Fidelia 01-22-2011 07:55 PM

Hi J, welcome back.

I'm not familiar with your story, although I've been a member of this community almost as long as you.

"Call me." seems pretty dramatic and imperious to me. Is this guy the sort to want to stir the stink?

"Call me, please, I'd like to speak with you about ___" would be more likely to get me to pick up the phone. But that's me.

Call him, don't call him; whichever you prefer. Or you could FB message him and ask him why he wants to talk to you. But it's nothing to get too worked up over.

TankDiveGirl 01-23-2011 02:15 AM

Well, i did call him. It turns out that he's gotten clean (he was addicted to hydrocodone and klonopin, to my knowledge), and he wanted to ask for my forgiveness, make amends, what have you. We actually had a pretty good conversation -- a little awkward, but not bad. He'd like to hang out with my wife and i, and begin to be friends again.

I'm willing to give it a try. We were friends before we had an intimate relationship, and it's been weird not being friends with him.

So we'll just see what happens. :)


Fidelia 01-23-2011 08:22 PM

Good for him, getting clean. Is he working a 12 step program? Asking forgiveness and making amends is one of the steps.

And good for you, that you are willing to rebuild a friendship.

TankDiveGirl 01-23-2011 08:26 PM

He is, he's doing NA. He got his 2 month chip last night, which i think is just great. I know the forgiveness/amends thing, because my dad is doing AA also, well, he did it for a long time but dropped out semi-recently. He's not drinking though, so i guess that's good.

I'm just going to see what happens with S for now. We were really close, so it will be interesting seeing if we can rebuild a friendship.


TankDiveGirl 01-31-2011 02:12 AM

Well... An update to the update is in order!

Dinner was great. The three of us had a wonderful time, laughing, joking, catching up. My lovely wife L was really impressed with how S has gotten his stuff together and is taking responsibility for his actions and his past. We had the same connection we've always had. It was both wonderful and terrible, because I had no idea what was going to happen -- if L would be uncomfortable, if S would behave himself, etc.

I couldn't have asked for a better night. L said at the end of the evening that if "whatever happened happened" later on down the road, she'd be alright with that, and she felt very very comfortable with him and his position.

So he and i have spoken every day since then, L knows that we're speaking and is fine as long as I keep everything on the up and up, which i intend to do. S and I will take our time this time and not jump right back into bed and into that intense emotional connection that we lost ourselves in before. We're both very aware that my marriage comes first, and that we need to re-establish our friendship, and that's going to take some time. We're going to hang out as a trio until further notice, just to make sure that everyone is comfortable with the situation, and to get a feel for each other again.

I know that my feelings for him have not changed, and his feelings for me have not changed, so it's going to be an interesting ride. BUT, i love my wife, and i have my primary marriage relationship to take care of, and that's the most important thing.

So, i guess we're at a wait and see point. S and L and I are going to see a movie this week i think, and then we'll see from there. He's going to at least 2 meetings a week (that i know of), and working full time; and i'm in my last semester of college, so it will actually be good for all three of us that we can't see each other all the time. We HAVE to wait and see what happens and how schedules work out.

I'm quite optimistic. I think this will be a really good thing, but again, i'm not going to count my chickens. :)


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