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-   -   Hi :) It's a long one! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5951)

JenAgain 01-26-2011 06:49 AM

Hi :) It's a long one!
Hello, my name is Jen and I've been reading a lot the past week on this forum and finally decided to register, introduce myself and see what advice I can get!

I'm 30, been married almost 7 years to the love of my life. Before we got married I was a very sexual person. I had been involved in a couple of threesomes, both MMF and FFM, and enjoyed them. More than that, I felt connections, attraction, and even love with them.

A few years into our marriage my drive seemed to dramatically decrease. I don't know why, I'm very attracted to my husband and enjoy him thoroughly in the bedroom, he's very attentive to my needs. I always blamed it on hormones and kids (we do have two children), but since no longer being on b/c, pregnant or nursing, it still continued along that path.

We have talked before a few times about having another male, or female in the bed with us if the right situation were to come about. He said it would totally turn him on if it were a female, but he thinks he would be jealous if it were a male. I told him I would be okay with a female, but didn't think it would be fair if it only worked one way.

Fast forward to last weekend, and he had a friend over that has been over several times, I consider him practically family at this point. I've always found him somewhat attractive, but each time he comes over, that attraction grows. We all had some drinks, and were all flirting. When we went to go to bed, I asked hubby if I could kiss the friend goodnight. He said yes and friend and I kissed until hubby said, "okay.. okay".

Something about this moment just hit a button with me. After that we had incredible sex all week and I'm still turned on by the whole situation and have been thinking about it a lot.

We did have a couple of conversations about it. I told him how I felt, and that I didn't feel like he wasn't meeting my needs, I don't know why it lit such a fire, but it did. It's not that I would want any guy, but I trust his friend, and I feel a connection with him. He eventually agreed that maybe we could give it a try once and see how it goes but he doesn't sound like he really wants to. He did say that he thinks watching me with another man would make him jealous. From what I read on here, that is a natural feeling, and it's how he deals with that feeling. We discussed that there would need to be boundaries and if we decided to go ahead with it, we would need to set those before hand. He did say it was something that would only be once in a long while.

While I feel like things would be more comfortable if it were a separate relationship, I also feel like that would increase the jealousy issue.

I want to bring it up more with him, but I don't want to push the matter. He's not one to get angry, he's the most laid back person I've ever known, but I don't want to stress our otherwise perfect relationship or even worse, hurt his feelings. There isn't a woman in our life right now that really fits the bill for what I/we are looking for so I don't want him to think I'm being unfair, the right opportunity just isn't there, where as for a man, there is.

I would never leave my husband for anyone. I would never do anything with anyone without his permission. He's the perfect man for me, but sometimes my heart aches to love. I feel like I get plenty of love, I don't feel like I'm missing anything there at all.. but I feel like I can give so much more. It wasn't until stumbling across this site that it hit a chord with my feelings...it honestly brought me near to tears. I don't know how to explain/relate these feelings to my husband or how to get him to understand... or how often I should bring it up without pushing it too far.

Feeling confused. Any insight would help. How do you "come out" so to speak.. as poly? How do you know if that's what you are? How do you come to terms with it if your SO is not?

IF you made it through, thanks for reading. :)


JenAgain 01-26-2011 07:02 AM

I jsut realized this probably ended up too long and in detail for introductions.. so Hi! and if you feel this needs to be moved go ahead.

FlameKat 01-26-2011 08:30 AM

Hi JenAgain,

Personally I would recommend bringing your husband here - explain to him how much this strikes a chord with you. And tell him all the things you told us :D then work from there together

Hugs and welcome :D

Senga 01-26-2011 02:04 PM

Yes, that's the best advice, is to educate him. Tell him the facts & how you feel. Also to maybe prevent one of the mistakes I made when we had a mfm relationship, make sure you do not hang over their relationship. Such as, don't try to make them get along, just tell him how you feel & let them keep their relationship, don't micromanage it. Ryan said that it is important for the guys to respect each other constantly, this will cut down on the jealous reactions I think. Let your "boy-friend" know that his respect is expected. This will hopefully let your husband see that he does have the right to "input" his feelings and discuss different options with you if he needs something.

I honestly think that often jealous feelings are triggered by insecurity (and time management is also a factor he says). It helped allot when I told him I was willing to go at his pace & also that if it wasn't working for either of us that we could stop. There are ups & downs & ups again just as in any other relationship. Just be advised that you can be disappointed and heartbroken. But I really am grateful that I had the experience, it taught me so much! Best wishes for you!

midwestmama 01-26-2011 02:55 PM

Do you know how his friend feels about all of this? We have many friends that would love getting to kiss a man's wife. They'd even more enjoy having sex with her. But, most have no desire for an emotional relationship. Keep in mind we are swingers, but just because this man kissed you doesn't mean he is interested in an involved relationship. A poly relationship for the single mono to join could be daunting to him. I am not trying to rain on your parade at all. I am glad to see you are working together on all of this and the conversations are important, just one more thing to think about with it... Do both of you (and the other man) want it poly vs swinging?

Best of luck, you're in a good place!

GroundedSpirit 01-26-2011 03:41 PM

Hi Jen,

Yep, what you're experiencing is perfectly natural. It's got sound biological basis and is not a 'failing' on anyone's part. Nor does it reflect badly on your relationship.

I'd suggest picking up a copy of "Sex at Dawn" and both reading it. Preferably before you take action. It will do much to put what happens in the future (potentially) in proper context. And this goes a long way towards keeping jealousy in check. Will it still rear it's ugly head ? Probably. But when we understand something it's not so scary and dramatic.

Keep us posted.


JenAgain 01-26-2011 07:23 PM

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice! I am definitely going to read that book, I'm all about reading!

I did actually have a conversation with our friend today, before I even brought more up to my husband I wanted to see where he stood. I didn't get too in detail, but I asked him what his thoughts were about last weekend, and he did say that he felt an attraction towards me, and that he didn't want to step on any toes because my relationship with my husband is most important, and we are like family to him, he wouldn't want to disrupt that. I said I was just curious, that we wanted to discuss things but not if it was a moot point and he said he would be willing to talk with us about it too whenever we were ready. He was in an open marriage before that failed, but they didn't have boundaries or rules, I don't think he's against a poly relationship, and there is definitely that attraction there. Whether it will be Poly or Swinging, I don't know yet, a lot of it depends on my husband, but I would prefer a poly situation.

I did type up almost a repeat of what I've said here as well as proposed boundaries, I get everything out in the right order when I write things as opposed to when I speak. I'm going to have him read it (with me) and see how it goes.

Thank you all again, and I will definitely be frequenting these forums. It's been a real eye opener for me!

JenAgain 01-27-2011 09:09 PM

Well, we discussed things, and he did come here to read and will continue too. I suggested maybe he make a name and ask some questions if he felt.

He's very receptive, and trying to be understanding. He wants me to be happy, but his mind is reeling from all of this information, and he feels change is coming. He doesn't really "get it", but is willing to keep discussing it and give it a try.

I am not unhappy, even if he pulls the plug, I will still be incredibly happy in our marriage, but knowing how much this feels right and normal for me the more I learn will be difficult.

I did get a copy of the book am reading it now, he said he would read it as well. Our friend is most likely coming over this weekend, so we can all discuss it together.

In the meantime, every day we have had more questions for each other, and I feel the communication is going well. I actually feel a stronger connection in our marriage and with my husband.

I'm soo glad I found this site!!

River 01-27-2011 10:15 PM

Thanks for sharing, JenAgain. Here's a short message for your husband.:


Try, as you explore this new territory, to keep in mind that love is very unlike cherry pie. When you give a slice of cherry pie away, the whole pie doesn't stay the same size or grow. But love can. It often does. Also, if X loves Y and Z, that doesn't mean the love has been divided in half between them. X has a full love for both! (or can).

Beodude123 01-28-2011 04:08 AM

Boy, I've got a lot of reading to do!! I'm Jen's hubby, so I'm sure I'll be seeing many of you in the future.


Originally Posted by JenAgain (Post 63552)
He doesn't really "get it", but is willing to keep discussing it and give it a try.

I am not unhappy, even if he pulls the plug, I will still be incredibly happy in our marriage, but knowing how much this feels right and normal for me the more I learn will be difficult.

I think this is a big one for me. Ultimately, making Jen happy is my goal. I could probably count on one hand how many times I've said no to her. That being said, if I don't feel comfortable with something, I'm worried that I'll be stifling her, and that she'll potentially have regrets. I know everybody has regrets throughout their lives, but I'd like to keep them to a minimum.

We have done a LOT of talking, and are starting out very slow (if there is such a thing!). Our friend that is going to be included in our relationship is very respectful of our wants and needs, and I have a lot of trust in him. I'm sure it helps that we were friends before he even met Jen, so we have a mutual respect for each other.

Jen gave me some reading material, so if I don't post much, it's probably because I'm reading!

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