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Njordis 08-04-2009 11:08 PM

Hi! I'm Jin
 
:cool: I need another point of view or two. My fiance' told me as we were considering wheather or not we wanted to date that he was poly, he completely explained it and told me where to find another group on the net. I just found this one. He currently has no other person in his life and he is in prison yes he will be getting out but not for nearly 7 more years. I did not know him prior to his going to prison, and he is paying for what he did at a very young age. If he had had a real attorney instead of a court appointed joke he wouldn't have ever gone to prison to begin with, but then I would have probably never met him. Anyway I had had some personal baggage, I pretty much hated men, and I never considered another female yet I fell hopelessly in love with him and felt like I could do whatever he ask me to do ~ when he gets out. He knows he has nothing to worry about concerning cheating. I thought I had plenty of time to get used to the idea. We might not even be togeather in 7 years.
I had no problem with this... yet. Now the problem, he ask me to go try poly without him, because he obviously cannot do this with me yet, or if I'm not comfortable with that to go find a girlfriend. He's not jealous of "my needs", he wants to see my needs fulfilled. He cannot imagine an unfulfilled sex life. He wants to see me happy. We do fantasy "stuff" on the phone and it's great, but that's all it is, fantasy. I don't know if I can truly do this poly, however I agree with him that I cannot know if I like or dislike this until I have tryed it. I've kind of been looking for a girlfriend. I have confided this for the last couple of years to my daughter who really liked the idea of poly and has since when out and found a couple. She likes it... hey mikey... I feel stuck. I thought about faking like I have a girlfriend, just like a fantasy. He would be happy but I know this is not what he wants. I don't even know where to begin, he says to go get a girly magazine and look through
> the personals to find either a couple or a girlfriend. I don't know where to start. He told me that regardless of wheather or not I do this he will still love me and want to be with me, reminded me that he told me from the beginning that he wanted this, I'm not trying to change his mind. I don't know how to move it past fantasy to reality.

AutumnalTone 08-05-2009 12:24 AM

I guess the first question is simple: are you bisexual? I'm thinking it wouldn't be a good idea to find a girlfriend if you're really not romantically interested in women.

And if not, then you're looking at having to find a man. Have you worked through your issues with men?

Finally, I think you'll need to confront the question of whether or not you're cut out for poly life. Are you really ready to make serious romantic connections with more than one person? Trying to maintain a relationship that you really aren't cut out for is never a good thing, for you or the person you'd end up hurting.

Beyond that, I wouldn't begin with the ads in a girly magazine. There are many online dating sites that would work so much better--you can get more information on people before making contact and so forth. Some dating sites prohibit poly folk, some are neutral, and some support it (OKCupid.com is one of the latter).

Quath 08-05-2009 12:58 AM

SeventhCrow brings up some very good points.

In addition, you may want to try to understand New Relationship Energy, NRE. Is that feeling of euphoria yoy get when you start a new relationship with someone you really like. It is very natural and lasts about 6 months to two years. During that time it is very easy to be in a relationship. Everythink is a cute little quirk. Later on, that quirk becomes that annoying habit you wish they would just stop!

So this applies in two ways to you. One is that if you go poly and meet someone, you may feel NRE. Your fiance will heave to deal with the jealousy and worry that you could leave him for someone right now. That is something that can be worked through by careful communication.

The other issue is that you may be in NRE itself with your fiance. Seven years is a long time to go. NRE helps us set up relationships that last. I am not sure how much quality time you can get with him in jail.

I hope it works out for you.


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