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-   -   Being by yourself (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=593)

NeonKaos 08-04-2009 08:59 PM

Being by yourself
This was mentioned in another thread, and I was wondering if folks would sound off about it.

Who (besides RedPepper) is poly because they can't stand being alone? Who likes being alone despite the fact that they can be in love with more than one person at a time? What are people's thoughts about this?

I have a few minutes left before I can leave work so I am throwing this out there for discussion.

Myself, I prefer to be alone as opposed to keeping up the kind of energy required in social situations. Although I am loud and gregarious, I like to be able to escape from a situation at the drop of a hat. Therefore (and for other reasons) I don't tend to have people over to my house except maybe one or two at a time with long periods in between. When we go camping as part of a group or where there are group activities (such as dinner), I prefer to keep to myself until most of the people have left. It's not that I am shy in large groups, but i feel as though i'm expected to contribute something and if I'm "quiet" i get asked "what's the matter" a lot. I like having my husband around, but he likes social situations more than I do so I am perfectly OK with him going out to bars and other events without me. Then I ask him "How was it?" I used to think I was a people-person but trying to live up to that image was very stressful. When I let go of that and acknowledged my anti-social disposition, I felt really relieved. My husband (and also my "other guy" who I don't see now) thinks I'm a high-functioning autistic / Asperger's, but I have not sought a professional opinion about this yet. The internet gives me a level of interaction that I can tolerate and remain in touch with people. It's not so much PEOPLE that I mind, just having them around constantly is kind of irksome to me.

Time to leave work now. See you's when I get home.

River 08-04-2009 09:41 PM

I don't mind being alone, and often enjoy it. I also like to share time with people, but mostly with people I have chosen to spend time with. That is, I don't much like having to hang out (or work) with people who rub me the wrong way.

I have a mild, or "sub-clinical," social anxiety problem which comes and goes as it gradually falls away. The symptoms typically appear when I'm with new people, face-to-face. It almost went away altogether recently, but certain recent events have triggered the underlying causal issues, which, not surprizingly, relates to self-esteem and confidence.

vandalin 08-04-2009 11:10 PM

I'm also in the mild anxiety problems group. I don't mind certain groups of people, especially if I know them, but I definitly prefer small goups of people if I'm new, especially if they all know each other. I used to and still occasionally have a problem being out and about shopping and running errands, the anxiety will hit and I'll have to leave the building and go sit in the car until it either goes away or I go home.

But I also hate being alone, always have...I've never had to live alone, the closest I've come to it was living with another person and her son and her nephew (totally platonic, way before I knew of or thought I was poly). So technically I wasn't alone, but I did have to forge new relationships. I went to the community college and although did have two experiences with WDWCP I had 5 roommates each time so wasn't ever really alone.

I hate when my hubby has to go on the rare business trips out of state which are usually overnight stays. Although when I was staying in IL to talk to "Elric" I didn't seem to get hit with the paranoia or anxiety which usually hits me. Curious...

AutumnalTone 08-05-2009 12:01 AM

I used to be highly introverted. Now I can happily operate in crowds or by myself--I actually require doses of each to keep an even keel. Too long without either one and I get anxious, which kicks in the OCD.

I'm not convinced that preferring solitude or small groups is rooted in any disorder. Some folks just prefer to interact with others in a fashion that doesn't support large groups. Perfectly social people that have to regulate their interactions and make certain they get enough time alone to reduce the sensory input. The anxiety that surfaces from too much stimulation is not, I think, due to any underlying disorder, it's just a sign of overstimulation.

XYZ123 08-05-2009 12:27 AM

I've mentioned before that I have bipolar 1 disorder. This has a great deal to do with whether I prefer to be alone or in a social setting on any given day. If I'm hypomanic or manic I can't stand being on my own. I have to be out socializing and talking and doing something active with either one person or, preferably, a group (it takes a group to keep up with me). If I'm depressed I tend to like being with just my hubby or a close friend. Being completely alone isn't good for me for long periods of time either way. My thoughts tend to get out of control with no one to bounce them off of. I've become a text message FIEND for that reason. I also suffer anxiety in large groups of unfamiliar people or on long trips alone where there are many strangers like the occasional subway ride.

I don't know that any of this contributes to my wanting another love partner but it does contribute greatly to my desire for close, affectionate, non-sexual friendships. I feel lonely if there's no one to share a loving touch with for long periods of time. My poor son is smothered. But, luckily, he's a mush like mommy so he likes my cuddles.

berserker239 08-05-2009 01:46 AM

Oddly enough, i like to be around people, listen to them talk and sometimes not say anything, sometimes i like to talk for hours. Usually im just content with laying down with my girlfriend and just listening to her talk about things. Im an odd fellow as youll all learn, haha, sometimes i dont even understand myself x)

My brother is the same way as you though, he cant stand to be around people for too long. His reasoning is different but in the end its the same

happybird 08-05-2009 02:45 AM

I am a really social person...I can be alone, but it's not my favorite! My husband works out of town Monday through Thursday, sometimes Friday. Makes for long, lonely weeknights after kiddos are in bed...It sucks, but we have gotten used to it, and he does get long weekends at home with us. Our girlfriend is a teacher, so she spent a lot of nights here this summer, and it was great. Now, she's back to work, so I am readjusting to alone time. The interwebs help. ;) And knowing that Friday we will all be together again, laughing, cooking dinner, living it up...also helpful.

Part of the reason it is SO hard for us not to tell all right now is that we are very social with a tight group of friends. Several of them have inquired about our relationship, but so far we have brushed them off. It's SO hard to hide our affection at all these events though! So for now, we hang out a lot less!

Derbylicious 08-05-2009 02:52 AM

Most of the time I don't like being alone but there are times that I value my solitude (especially if I've planned for it). But I don't like big groups, I feel really akward. Ideally I like to have a small group around to talk to and socialize with. I always feel like I'm on the outside in a larger group, kind of like everyone else is in on something that I haven't quite caught on to.

vandalin 08-05-2009 02:57 AM

I'm going to add this note to my little info blurb above...

I like to be alone in a group. I'm the person who sits and watches and listens whether it is to one person in a group or to everything going on.

I also sometimes prefer to sit alone in the house but with other people, my mom and daughter, being in another part of the house. I'd be upstairs or in the basement while they are on the main floor usually. I'm around if they need anything but otherwise I can feel basically by myself if not alone.

Sunshinegrl 08-05-2009 06:23 AM

Im a bit of Both. Sometimes I need alone time. Where it can be physically alone Or even Mentally alone (like at the gym). I love to be around people too. And I often Am around alot of people ...Alot of the time.
I do get lonely. Especially if I havnt seen those Who I care about. AB and AL..And Usually my Bestie.. I Crave certain people. Those three being the main ones. But I think thats because they understand me best.

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