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Lobster 01-25-2011 05:43 AM

Trying to figure this whole thing out
I'm so glad that I found this forum, I am trying to figure out how this whole thing works. My wife is poly and she has a boyfriend their relationship is fairly new and growing. I was raised in a very traditional family with traditional values. My wife was raised in a "poly" family. I put it in quotes not to devalue it only that I don't fully understand weather it was a true Poly relationship or if they were swingers who had slightly permanent boyfriends and girlfriends, I don't fully understand. So she fully understands why and how this works out to everyones favor and how it can all work. I am still working through some of my more major issues. Red (my wife), monster (the BF) and I all have a great relationship. He and I are becoming very good friends.
However I am working through some major issues of jealousy, envy, and time management. I never thought I was going to have to divide the time I have with my wife with someone else. Because of my job I spend a lot of time away from home, and monster does too. Actually right now because of our jobs she has a husband and a boyfriend and is still alone physically right now. But it does on certain levels bothers me that she would choose to spend a night away from me, and with someone else. There are also the more obvious physical relationship things that I am still having issues with. However I know that this makes red happy and that is the most important thing for me. This forum has helped me already in another thread that I posted and continues to help me by the support that is given across the board to everyone on the forum.
I know there is not some magic answer that is just going to make this all better for me, but I am working through it all. I am doing my best to have an open mind and work through my issues. I hope that I can continue to count on the support from everyone here. And I am glad that we are as open and honest about everything that we are even if that honesty hurts from time to time. Like I said I guess I am trying to figure out how this is going to work out

ImaginaryIllusion 01-25-2011 06:24 AM

Welcome to the Forum.

I'm glad to see you sticking around and trying to find your way in all this. Regardless of who you are or where you came from, it still take a special kind of person to be willing to try this kind of life.

Keep talking, keep asking questions...you're on the way even if you don't know it yet.

For me, I get a lot of processing done by asking questions. Ask the hard questions, even when there's no answers. Ask them of yourself, be totally honest with yourself, and dig deep.

Another thing I'd suggest to you, is that instead of trying to read the portents of the future to figure out how things will turn out, make the decision of how you want it to turn out. Make that decision into a vision of what you want to see happen, and then figure out how to get there. Charting a course is pretty difficult without knowing the destination.

GroundedSpirit 01-25-2011 03:32 PM

Welcome Lobster !
Glad to have you join us.

I suggest approaching it like you would any other challenge in your life.
As Imaginary suggested - have a general plan is a good start. Accepting occasional setbacks comes with any challenge too -right ?
But what happens to us when we step up to a challenge ? Worth it - right ?

Jealousy. Fueled by insecurities. Not a bad thing to work on for any reason eh ? :)

Envy. Probably the easiest one to deal with. And worthwhile too.

Time management. Just plain sucks ! LOL But we do get better at that too.

Although you are 're-learning' some things, you're already showing signs of real love and compersion by putting her happiness and well being in the equation. Such is the foundation of all good relationships - right ? That action can do much to grow the bond between you ! Not weaken it.
Just don't be sacrificing all of yourself in the process and growing into a codependant situation. Emphasize that there has to be a tribe/team effort here. Have that discussion regularly to make sure things are staying as balanced as possible and that course corrections are made as necessary.

it can be a fun and highly beneficial journey.

Enjoy !


Derbylicious 01-25-2011 08:35 PM

Hi Lobster,
First of all I love the name. I have a friend and we call each other lobster friends because when a lobster finds another lobster they stay together forever.

Being apart tends to stir things up that normally stay hidden. My husband and his girlfriend started their relationship while my husband was away for work. It does make things just that much harder to not have that physical reassurance from your partner when they are embarking on a new relationship. Be patient with yourself and let yourself feel whatever it is that you are feeling and then ask yourself "why"?

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