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-   -   New baby-mama in the picture... drama? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=59044)

Piroska 10-16-2013 05:56 PM

New baby-mama in the picture... drama?
So, I just got knocked for a loop.

Morp and I met online in March. We started talking every day July 1, started dating July 16. We “officially” got in a relationship on September 7. So this is a really really new relationship.

A week ago he was contacted by an ex girlfriend, I'll call her L. They had broken up March a year ago, and had not been in contact since then (so 18 or 19 months). He didn't tell me she contacted him until yesterday, cause that's when the paternity test came back, 99.99% chance of her 8 ½ month old son being his too. Apparently she didn't know how to contact him (I find that a little hard to believe, but I know he moved some time in the last year or two, so maybe.) and finally tracked him down on facebook to let him know last week. I'm assuming he sent in the paternity test shortly thereafter.

I have 4 kids, ages 10, 8, 6 and 3, and he had 3 kids, 21, 19 and 17 – we haven't met each others' kids yet, wanted to wait until we had been together longer, so we don't get their emotions involved before he and I are solid and for sure planning on long term – and our time is always limited because his kids are at his place on the weekends, and he works nights. I know (and he confirmed) that he's going to be as involved as possible with the baby, though how that will play out we don't know yet. L has three older kids the same age as Morp's, so at least there aren't other young ones to complicate things.

Other than him having less time and money, I'm not sure how this is going to impact us. I was stunned – but it doesn't affect how I feel about him. He was “really leery” of telling me, because he was afraid I'd break up with him. I wasn't sure why he thought that, but a google search revealed that that's the standard advice for women in my situation, given that it's usually a lot of drama with the “baby-mama”. Still, I don't really expect things to get too crazy.

So – this is me trying to be prepared. Has anyone been in this situation, or similar? What can I expect? I have zero idea how this is going to work, no idea of what is usual or not in this situation. To complicate matters, he said he wasn't interested in getting back together with L, (which I would be fine with if he did want to, I mean, he needs to be able to spend time with his kid) because apparently her ex-husband is the aggressive jealous type and he and Morp got into physical fights a few times and Morp decided it wasn't worth the hassle to try to keep the relationship with L going. (My construction of the little he did tell me about their relationship, I might not have it exactly right.) Is there anything I can/should be doing to support him? How does custody/visitation/whatever work with kids this young? Is it likely he'll have CM (new baby) a few days a week or unlikely? Is it more likely he'll have to go to L's place to spend time with baby? (that's what I would think, considering CM is less than a year old)

Patience is not my strong suit, but I'm thinking I'm going to have to be even more patient with his-my relationship moving slowly, and it'll probably slow down even more on the meeting each others' kids now, cause he has a little one, but I kinda wish it could speed up more instead – I've been wanting to meet them, and now especially CM. And I have no idea how I would relate to L; I mean, she's not really a metamour, but he-she are going to be much more tightly integrated if they're going to coparent, than he and the mother of his older kids are now.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Thanks!

nycindie 10-16-2013 06:09 PM

The first thought that comes to my mind is that this is going to be awkward and really like walking into unknown territory for all three of you, so don't try and pretend to be all smooth and cool, and like it's easy and no big deal, business as usual. You don't have to have all the answers yet. When you meet L., I think it's perfectly acceptable (and may even be a good way to break the ice), to say something like: "I've never been in this kind of situation before and I'm not sure what I should be doing or saying, but I hope we can all be friends and figure it out together."

I'll post more as I think of it.

Inyourendo 10-16-2013 06:17 PM

there doesnt have to be any drama. sounds like they are both well over each other. Im assuming if they are both mature then they will set up some kind of reasonable custody arrangement and he will just have to pay child support.

My ex and I have 2 kids together (ages 15 and 8) and we have been apart 5 years. he and i share custody of the kids but have nothing to do with each other, other than the occasional text. he and his gf have been together over 4 years and I haven't even met her. so just because he has to deal with his ex, doesnt mean that you will have anything to do with her.

Is his ex poly as well? will your new boyfriend be open with her about being poly? if he does decide he wants to get back together with her, will you still be in the picture?

As a mother of a small baby right now, there is no way I would allow anyone to take her for more than a few hours, esp if she's breastfeeding. i would think his time with the baby at this point would be very limited unless she's not the attached type. some moms just want to hand the kid off so they can do their own thing.

Piroska 10-18-2013 04:54 AM

nycindie, that is a good point - that it IS new and different and unusual and awkward. So it's okay to acknowledge that and try to work out how it will work out.

Inyourendo, also good points. I don't actually know yet if I'm going to meet L, or if Morp intends to keep everything very separate. I do know that Morp does not intend to give me up; I assumed L was poly, since Morp's been poly for many years now and from what I understand, the only two times he was monogamous were for his two (short-ish) marriages, at the requests of his ex-wives. So I guess I assumed that if he did get back together with her, I would still be with him too. But I think you're right, I don't think it's likely they will want to get back together.

I guess mostly I just need to wait and see how things go, wait until I have more information from Morp about L, about CM, about how they are going to fit into his life, and therefore, how I'm going to continue fitting into his life.

LovingRadiance 10-18-2013 09:35 PM

There is always potential for drama. But there is always potential for no drama as well.

Really-this is his situation to manage-so how involved you CAN be is going to be up to him.

I wouldn't stress out too much at this point. It's new info for everyone. The best thing you can do as his girlfriend is be supportive of him with this new info. Ask him what you can do for him.

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