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gemini 01-25-2011 01:39 AM

new guy here
wanted to introduce my self and tell everyone a bit about me and my life. i am a happy married man of 12 years with 2 sons, 2 and 3(almost 3 and 4). my wife and "experimanted" with a friend of her's several years ago and it went bad because we didn't talk about it outside the bedroom. we didn't have a good understanding about........any of it really. the relationship between my wife and i went down hill for a while, but in the end, i know it was for the better. we are far closer to one another than we ever were.

after our rough times and our healing, we had our boys. after the second one turned a year old, over dinner at a resturaunt, my wife tells me she wants to have a anniversary surprise for me that we need to talk about first. she wanted to have another woman join us/meet us on a trip out of town. this time, we talked about it ALOT. wants, desires, expectaions, limits. ALL of it. as much as we could think of as a point of intrest. never did find anyone for our anniversary but we did share ourselves a few times with a few different women(one other woman at a time). but we both agreed, something was missing. we both wanted have a connection with woman.

a few attempts to make a connection, a few connections and then being hurt by the third brought us to where we are now. back the ground floor with the woman that hurt us with a new start, taking things very slow and trying to heal and prevent any one from being hurt.

wife and i will be 32 this year and our girlfriend will be 37 this year. our 2 boys (almost 3 and 4) and she has 4 kids. 18 boy(man lol) 17 boy(again man lol) 14 boy and girl(twins). all of her kids know very well about us. our boys don't "know" but already show signs of loving them as family.

i found this forum as a result of trying to find an area to talk to others that may have some insight to this style relationship and issues that can arise. i look forwards to reading any responces to this topic and the topics that others create. i will answer pretty much any question that you can think of.

sohuman 02-01-2011 03:56 AM

So my question is about the older kids, was you guys' girlfriend poly all along? How did she manage things so that no one got into trouble (I am thinking in the most paranoid vein of having our child taken from us for a lifestyle choice that was shared through gossip)

I don't believe in radical honesty for the same reasons cited in Opening Up (that you have to be sure the person hearing the truth is ready to hear and process it)... but I think that there is waaaay too much lying in society - the film Liar Liar is based on that. We are also both atheists and have so far refused to lie to our kid (age 2) about Santa. The gifts are from us. Why should she have the two people she should most trust in her life blatantly lie to her? Doesn't feeling like you need to lie to make a holiday more fun insinuate that time together as a family with gifts from each other is inherently not fulfilling enough?

I am friends with this other mom (that's another story, I think she is obsessed with me and I am not sure I want to be her friend anymore) who is constantly telling her son (same age) not to kiss boys on the mouth, not to run like a fairy, and she filled the house with plastic crap her kid never touches, all from Santa. Meanwhile, she went ahead and told him about his grandmother dying in another country. I just think he wasn't ready to process that. He acts like a terror, does not listen even worse than the average toddler, and has been biting and hitting a lot (enough to prompt several conferences), and may get kicked out of the daycare, but she will never have her parenting criticized, because everything she is doing fits the mainstream. Both she and I spank. She says she would never ever leave her kids to be babysat overnight at a trusted neighbor or friend's house (we are considering doing this for the upcoming conference). I know, rambling, but thus far my husband and I have decided no to lying to our kid about Santa, yes to spanking only occasionally, no to trying to insinuate that anything would be wrong with her if she were homosexual, no to enforcing the message that women are only good to the extent that they are pretty, possibly yes to having her babysat for a weekend so we can go to Atlanta or just get away as a couple together (if my husband turns out to be not ready for the conference), and yes to teaching her in the grand scheme that you can love more than one person. However, we are at a complete loss as to how to handle the fact that we are henceforth embracing a lifestyle that the religious right would assume was deviant and therefore unethical, making us potentially unfit parents (the gay analogy is again very apt). Any words of advice or wisdom are appreciated.

gemini 02-01-2011 02:00 PM

our g/f wasn't poly before us. she has been bi for a long time. as for the kids, we all met at the same time as jsut friends. as things evolved, most of it was kept out of site. the kids aren't dumb. they saw little things here and there that cought their eye. "that look" that their mom would give my wife or i at times i think was the first clue for the kids.

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