Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   can't stand it anymore,confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5900)

aslesa 01-25-2011 01:37 AM

can't stand it anymore,confused
 
i'm back...i used to have a profile on here before but i forgot my info so i had to start over...my husband is sheiksquall and we have been together 12 years, married 11. thing is hubby within the past year or two has decided or discovered he is poly and i have tried to understand it and him and have gone to many different kind of sex events just to broaden my mind. i had never been with another girl until gf#1 came into the picture. We all met at an anime convention and she is poly as well as bisexual. it took a few months but eventually a threesome happened and my emotions have been bouncing around ever since. also in the past year gf#1 introduced us to gf#2 (huge longs story involving me fucking gf#2's boyfriend, an orgy at gf@1's house for her birthday which is how we met gf#2, i ate her out while someone else did me,etc.) thing is, *I* wanted gf#2 ALL TO MYSELF. i didn't want hubby involved. i felt i clicked with her immediately like i had not done in such a along time, but hubby did not listen to my SPECIFIC AND IN NO UNCERTAIN WORDS when i SAID: "i want her!! mine!!" i still carry this resentment around to this day which i think is a foundation for my hurt and confusion today. i never speak my mind or stand up for myself and what i want and when i did, to the most important and closest person to me who had been encouraging me to do so, it fell on deaf ears and he fucked her the same nite too and then proceeded to pursue her himself. so fast forward to recently, i am being so jealous of both of our mutual gf's...i get angry upset fearful that i'm not enough for them when i see or hear of them being with others...i am reading the ethical slut which is making sense but it's still soooo hard. i never was a jealous person before hubby decided he was poly, i was confident that i was enough for him and that we were all each other needed in life but now i am questioning everything all the time and it is pushing the gf's away (not hubby cuz he says if i ultimately decide at any point i don't want this or can't handle it, it will stop; and if i change my mind and want to again, he's ok with that too)
i just don't like hearing about the gf's doing stuff...it hurts worse than when hubby wants to do stuff almost. and i don't know why and i don't like it. what do i do?? this is a real sticking point with me and gf#1, she says she loves me and won't leave me but she does not want the drama involved...

gemini 01-25-2011 01:47 AM

this is my second post so i am by no means an expert. sounds like you and hubby need to have some serious talks about ground rules.

1)are you ok with hubby having his own girlfriend as long as he does not neglect you are tell you about their advertures?

2)are you capable of have 2 seperate relationships and not neglect one or the other?

3)are there any trust issues between you and hubby that have not been resolved that can complicate this further?

nycindie 01-25-2011 01:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aslesa (Post 63082)
thing is, *I* wanted gf#2 ALL TO MYSELF. i didn't want hubby involved. i felt i clicked with her immediately like i had not done in such a along time, but hubby did not listen to my SPECIFIC AND IN NO UNCERTAIN WORDS when i SAID: "i want her!! mine!!"

Hmm, well, she's not a toy, you know. She just might have a preference about who she wants to be with, don't you think?

aslesa 01-25-2011 01:57 AM

1.so far we have only kept things to just these two ppl as far as hubby and i; i on the other hand have been with numerous other guys with his permission and knowledge; so far he does not ever appear judgmental or jealous of me doing so. there is ONE other girl he would like to be intimate with but due to distance, it's rather impossible for the most part. i don't know about him having a total "stand alone" relationship with out me being at least in some way involved. that IS scary for me to think about actually. we are all friends which makes it a bit easier to swallow but if he wanted to cut me out totally i don't think that would be mentally ok for me at this point.
2. i have one specific guy i am seeing, more or less as a friend with benefits totally separate from hubby. i get jealous of the gf's mainly and THEIR relationship with EACH OTHER and then their other relationships as well with yet other ppl...makes me hurt and sad just thinking they may be closer to each other or to other ppl than to me.
3. i don't think i have a whole lot of trust issues other than when i said what i wanted with gf#2 and it being patently ignored.

aslesa 01-25-2011 02:03 AM

she was interested in ME first. hubby just kinda horned his way on in and then she realized she liked being with us both. but had he not pushed his way in then she would have been happy with just me...i think

parcimonieux 01-25-2011 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 63086)
Hmm, well, she's not a toy, you know. She just might have a preference about who she wants to be with, don't you think?

Very much so. Did you discuss your desire with gf#2? Did she agree to fidelity with you inside your shared circle of partners? There is simply no substitute for communication, and *lots* of it, no exceptions. You cannot control people, but you can set mutually agreeable boundaries which should be honored.

redpepper 01-25-2011 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aslesa (Post 63088)
i don't know about him having a total "stand alone" relationship with out me being at least in some way involved. that IS scary for me to think about actually. we are all friends which makes it a bit easier to swallow but if he wanted to cut me out totally i don't think that would be mentally ok for me at this point.

do you see how this could be seen as hypocritical? You want gf 2 to yourself, but he isn't allowed the same thing... or at least you wouldn't like it? Why should you have partners that are just for you and he not... a one pussy policy so to speak..

I am not a big fan of casual sex or relationships based on sex first, love and connection after. It's just not my poly... Just so you know :) I have done that and ended up in a jealous, crazy, and a losing it mess where I felt like I had no control and had given myself away entirely. I had nothing special left to give or share with others, because it was all on the table, bed, ...couch,,,...:p

I don't know if you are like this, but perhaps you develop connections through sex more than you think? Or perhaps you just clicked with her by mistake or at random and the fucking was all just part of knowing everyone on a superficial, fun, sexy level where you can all say I saw you naked and fucking... I dunno...

It sounds like the whole thing might be about how you relate to women too. The two women seem to be closer than you are and that perhaps relates to friends you've had in the past where you felt left out. I struggle with that. I got left out a lot and then just chose to not get close enough to care. To this day I am unable to be friends easily with women in a triad situation... it only works because I don't invest in them or make an effort to be in it.

Is there any way you could talk to them all and set some boundaries about your relationship structure? It sounds like a free for all to me and that "partner" is a lose term. Perhaps you are ready for something a little more serious and less about fucking.

As for your man? If I were him in the situation that you describe I doubt I would take you seriously. Why would he? It's always been a free for all before, why should this be different? This is the impression I get... everyone is a sex toy in the situation you describe, feelings, connection and really being attracted to a person for their inner being didn't seem to come into play at all. I would of shrugged you off too.

aslesa 01-25-2011 05:15 AM

verrrrry true...i do NOT get close to people...on purpose mainly because i have been hurt before and now if i don't HAVE to take the chance i usually opt not to. but with gf#2...it was different, and we did just have a convo and she said she would just like being with me bc i don't pressure here for physical. i let her know i am interested and if something comes of it, then it does, but it hasn't in a while and that's fine too with both of us. she was honestly the first thing i ASKED...nay....put my foot down for...and it got stepped on. poor me, i know. it's all in learning. and it's also verrrrry true that i am very physical based in the way that i figure that is all i am worth so that's what i immediately give...i don't GET TO KNOW ppl first....and that ALSO is a behavior i need to modify. i am VERY IMMATURE in a lot of ways, which is why i am making the effort here, to try to get insight and advice. i don't want to be this way anymore. hubby calls me his "Firework" (after the katy perry song) and i am SO SO trying to make my colors burst. i want to be fabulous and whole and complete and satisfied by myself and WITH myself and make my own happiness. i just need some help from the village.

redpepper 01-25-2011 05:25 AM

I love that song!:D I sing it at the top of my voice with my boy in the car when I take him to school... :o heh. Can't believe I am admitting that. :o

If you are on your way to a change I suggest you read some of my blog. I have had quite a year with this very same kind of transformation... I'm sure everyone here is fed up to the teeth with my going on about it... :D

It started last year when my friend had a sex party and has been a huge shift for me ever since. It was Mono coming into my life that facilitated my looking at my self worth and what I get out of "giving" myself to others in ways that are not appreciated and cause them to treat me as if I am only worth my body... unfortunately it is a big cultural thing right now in pour sex positive era. Slut culture, raunch culture and feminist theory, I have read it all in order to figure out a new me. I finally have and am better for it in so many ways. This was my journey however and I don't promote it as a journey others will want to take or need to take. I learned a lot about myself and now the bar is set so high on loves there is really no reason to invest in many people that are around me.

I suggest that you look at the links on "sex" "sex positive" "casual sex" and see what you come up with as well as my blog.. we have pretty much all weighed in on the topic. At least those of us who have been here awhile. Perhaps it will help you figure out what is best for you so that others can take you seriously rather than ignore you.

GroundedSpirit 01-25-2011 04:19 PM

Hey Aslesa,

I think there's a lesson here for the future.
I agree with RP that, from what we can see from your writing, the lifestyle you are living right now lends itself more to just open sexuality than involving deeper connections. And nothing wrong with that at all long as you are sensible about it.

But especially when you are open a lot like this there's always the potential that some 'connection' may enter your life. There's something about some person that you feel a draw towards. Our nature is to want to explore this new phenomenon. We want to find out what it's about - what's 'different'.

So the lesson is there now. It should now be a topic between you and BF - and anyone else you feel really close with. There's times we need to explore these things and other people in the picture can distort things, break the focus we need to truly explore what this is all about etc.
It's nothing personal towards anyone (BF or otherwise). It's just that a 3rd party can interfere with the exploration. It's kind of a distraction. It can prevent people from opening up truly to each other. People need to understand and respect that ! After some of this exploration though it's the best thing to come back to any SO's and talk about the discovery. Leaving them out of the picture can leave them open to all kinds of imaginary stuff, feelings of being shut out etc. This is where trouble begins.

Make sense ?

Summary..........

Hey, something's different here. I need to explore this and find out what it is. I'd prefer to avoid distractions. I may miss what's important. I'll let you know what I discover !

GS


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:29 AM.