Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   coming out time? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=590)

happybird 08-04-2009 04:08 AM

coming out time?
 
Hi! Just posted in my intro that my husband and I are totally in love with our "unicorn". She's a friend of both our familes, and she and I have always been best friends, so the fact that we are all together a lot has not raised too many eyebrows...I am sure my parents suspect....they have dropped by a couple of mornings to find us enjoying coffee in our pj's. :) All of our parents are decently open minded, but I know it's going to come as a big shock. She and my parents are close already, and I don't want thier feelings for her to change. Any advice on what to say? Who should be there? I am super close to my parents...and we are all in a small town, where honestly, I'm not sure anyone knows or gets the concept of poly at all. Our friends are going to flip. We're close to ready for it though...I'm ready for her to not have to feel like a secret. We're so proud to have her in our lives.
Any tips or experiences? Thanks!

Quath 08-04-2009 04:29 AM

Just say, "Mom, the doctors say I have just 6 months to live." She will say, "What?!?!?" And you say, "Just kidding. I am polyamorous." :)

But seriously, judge what may work better. Since they are open minded, you can tell them without anyone else present. That will help them ask more questions. If they were closed minded, I would say that you should have them with you as a unified front.

You can probably just bring it up like, "Have you ever heard of polyamory?" And go from there.

When I told my mother, she just said it was an experimental phase I was going through.

I wish you luck.

XYZ123 08-04-2009 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 3991)
Just say, "Mom, the doctors say I have just 6 months to live." She will say, "What?!?!?" And you say, "Just kidding. I am polyamorous." :)

Why didn't I think of that? Lol.
I have no advice on how to tell parents. My friends have all been pretty accepting but the parents not so much. I think they'd take poly better than my bisexuality. Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

happybird 08-04-2009 01:08 PM

Haha...perfect! Nothing like terminal illness to lighten the mood!;)

Just got off the phone with my mom...We talk almost every day, and it's SO hard not to just blurt it out. She's just so protective, and I know she will worry more than anything.

To take this a slightly different path...what's the WORST that could happen? I have read up some on the legalites of it all (kinda tries to rain on the beautiful love parade!) and I wonder if there are precautions we should take as we do start to tell people. This small town is going to be on fire with the gossip. And my gf is a teacher in a local school. :/

River 08-04-2009 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happybird (Post 4008)
This small town is going to be on fire with the gossip. And my gf is a teacher in a local school. :/

Honestly, at this point on my own polyamory journey, poly just seems so natural and normal and healthy to me that it's a bit difficult to take people's shock and awe about it terribly seriously. Same with the bisexuality. So what?!? Not A Big Deal. Just let everyone know that you're happy, and let their dust settle where it will. Most importantly, have a good laugh at their bizarre reactions -- whether with or without them present to your laughter. (Without may be the better choice, if you can contain yourselves.)

Isn't it amazing that people can react negatively to the great good fortune of having multiple loves?!? Keep this astonishment close to the front burner of your minds as you unveil yourselves. And if the whole town is gonna be gossiping, why not make a real show out of it and have a really good time... by really rubbing it in their faces with lots of public displays of affection, three-way kisses and handholding?!?! It's not like you're beating a puppy or tormenting kittens!

Let the joy spill over visibly, just because you can! And laugh!

happybird 08-04-2009 04:11 PM

Great advice. Love what you said about it being THEIR dust. :)
I keep having to remind myself that whatever issues they have are theirs, even if I am the one causing the shock.

Quath, did you mean you HAVE told your parents and got a negative reaction? I really hadn't even thought about the bisexuality part...doh!
That's how NOT a big deal it is. I wish more people got this!

AutumnalTone 08-05-2009 12:15 AM

My mother found out years ago, when I was with my first wife. She, being an evangelical, objected highly. I explained why we had an open marriage and that I wouldn't entertain any more complaints from her on the matter. She's not mentioned it since. I've no idea if she noticed that I was dating my recent ex, despite knowing that I was in town visiting and didn't stay at her house, but at the ex's place.

So, while my experience with telling my mother wasn't good, it wasn't as nasty as I think it could have been. I was pleasantly surprised that she didn't try to push the issue after I explained why it was the way it was. She didn't approve, yet she didn't fuss about it after that.

Quath 08-05-2009 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happybird (Post 4017)
Quath, did you mean you HAVE told your parents and got a negative reaction?

Well, I am not sure if denial is positive or negative. She didn't want to talk about it even when I was with my two girlfriends at the time.

Quote:

what's the WORST that could happen? I have read up some on the legalites of it all (kinda tries to rain on the beautiful love parade!) and I wonder if there are precautions we should take as we do start to tell people.
The main worry I have heard is issues with raising kids. There are some stories of custody battles dealing with kids where polyamory was used against one parent. But I don't think that is a huge issue overall. (But if it happens to you, then it is a huge issue.)

For the most part, you will probably just have to deal with gossip until something new comes along. Just act proud and not defensive and people will gossip over something else. (I grew up in a small town and I saw the patteern.)

berserker239 08-05-2009 01:42 AM

If she knows your bisexual then itll be less of a bombshell. Just simply say, mom i dont think youll understand but i love (husbands name) and (girlfriends name) (reason why you love them) and being with them makes me happier than you could understand, the only way i could be happier is if we had your support and blessing

Thats what ID say anyway

happybird 08-05-2009 02:28 AM

Thanks so much for the advice, you guys. I think I will say just that. :)

Also, I have read some of those custody stories. It seems to be that in most of those cases, someone (usually a grandparent) raised a huge fuss, causing the legal action. I am not sure what level of support (or non) we will recieve, but I really can't see any of our parents going to those lengths.

I will keep you updated. My mom DOES know that I began to have feelings for my then just-best-friend. I'm thinking this might not be THAT much of a shock.


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:53 AM.