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-   -   making rules? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5889)

dub1h 01-24-2011 09:46 PM

making rules?
If you are in a new polyamorous relationship, is it important to set rules or limits to what you are comfortable with? When I think about bringing up some points, I feel like I am only making demands and it makes me hesitant to bring them up...

what do you think is the best way to approach this?

BrigidsDaughter 01-24-2011 10:06 PM

I believe that you should most definitely have a conversation about what you're comfortable with and establish boundaries that you're both comfortable with. Sometimes its in the wording and approach that makes all the difference between rules/ demands and boundaries. Good luck.

LovingRadiance 01-24-2011 10:23 PM

It's imperative.

The book Opening Up has a LOT of information on that and suggestions. I didn't care for the book itself particularly-but in regards to establishing boundaries-it was pricelessly helpful.

dub1h 01-24-2011 10:30 PM

Sigh man...
I just really don't know if I can adjust to being okay with polyamory....
In theory I can agree with it...knowing that her happiness should make me happy too...
but hearing that her new 2nd partner is okay with poly, and will continue seeing her made my heart SINK. I feel awful right now..

And then she just had to leave and I don't know it might be on a date with him right now...

Is this jealousy something new people have to adjust to or does this mean I am simply incompatible with this lifestyle?

LovingRadiance 01-24-2011 10:33 PM

Jealousy is something you need to work through-it's based in your own insecurities.

THAT doesn't mean that by working through it you will find that you are compatible with poly. You may or may not be.
But, jealousy isn't the key for deciding. You need to resolve those insecurity issues regardless-so that you can have the best relationship with yourself and anyone else, whether it's a poly or a mono relationship.


www.xeromag.com-great place to start reading on how to handle and resolve the insecurities that drive jealousy.

redpepper 01-25-2011 05:06 AM

First of all, calling them rules might be the problem. To me rules are static and confining... no room to move. Quite a few poly people call the boundaries as they are fluid and movable and adjust as you go along. Really its a matter of just starting to talk. Start negotiating and see where she is in regards to where you are. Then start working towards a boundary by inching forward until you reach a place where there is some comfort. Usually there is a compromise made where both of you are giving something up in order for the other to be happier... this means that you are not done yet usually. I suggest digging deeper at this point to find out what the core of your needs are like "I need to feel that you want me around" or "I need to spend the evening with you every Tuesday" whatever... be specific to YOU until you are at a place where you have a boundary.

This should all ease your jealousy also... if you are jealous in not knowing that she is out with another man then really delve into what you need from her around this... a phone call, a text at 10, her to come home to you, a date night the next night... I don't know, only you do.

There have been some good suggestions on here on where to look to get more info, I suggest that you do a search in the tags to find threads that relate also... that and the stickies.. look under search and then tag search and find the tags you are interested in in the tag cloud. I would suggest, "lessons" "foundations" "jealousy" "boundaries" for starters.

MonoVCPHG 01-25-2011 05:10 AM


Originally Posted by dub1h (Post 63038)
does this mean I am simply incompatible with this lifestyle?

Not everyone is my friend. The key is to find out if you can be happy in it and that requires the work already suggested. If the answer is no, then you need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and do what it takes to be healthy :)

Good luck in your journey :)

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